Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 651: 11/10/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke about the incident from earlier in the day "his slip". He said he read my journal and it made him emotional and sad but understands that it is due to his own actions. He told me his side of it again, how none of these women "do anything" for him, even when he does slip, it's just muscle memory and he is trying to unlearn years of it, etc. I get it and can even empathize with where he is coming from, but it does not take away from how those actions earlier in the day affected me on many levels. It was equivalent to having a knife in your hands, walking around with it and giving me a cut on accident. You can say sorry, that it was a mistake, but it still happened and can not be taken back - a cut is a cut, it will bleed, it will hurt and sometimes it may even leave a scar (as these incidents had over the years). Anyway, afterward, he told me that he wanted to give me a massage, even if I may take it as if he is trying to butter me up for what happened, so he did it and it felt good after all the hours of working on pictures I put in.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Answering The Billion Dollar Question: What Do I Really Want?”, in this episode, you're encouraged to ask yourself "what do I really want?" Because the answer to this question will lead you to know what you should be pursuing. Remember, you get what you focus on. So focus on what you want, not on what you don't want.

This morning, during our walk, we finished listening to "Speaking Your Truth" an interview with Sophia Bush, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Sophia Bush starred as Brooke Davis in The WB/CW drama series One Tree Hill and as Det. Erin Lindsay in the NBC police procedural drama series Chicago P.D. The closing of this interview was great and opened up a lot of discussion for us. I decided to look up what happened to her, why she left her show and it was because of consistent sexual harassment and a toxic work environment. This is a good article about her departure: Sophia Bush says she was assaulted in a room full of men, explains why she left ‘Chicago P.D.’. Once we were approaching home, he asked me how I was feeling... about the 'other stuff', he meant the issue from yesterday. I told him the truth, it's still there, it still hurts and feels like someone stabbed me, but I'm just trying not to think about it because when I don't, it's easier to go about my day...

This afternoon his parents are coming... that should be entertaining.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
No triggers today.

#Motivational
What do I really want? | Nicole Greer

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 652: 11/11/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Talking.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we didn't talk much. We watched some TV while he gave me a foot rub, but it was on and off because our little one came down with something, we felt bad because there was nothing we could do to help her.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Develop More Positive Habits So You Can Have A Happier Life", in this episode, we learn how to develop more positive habits. Remember, you'll never change your life until you change something you do daily. You are what you repeatedly do.

This morning, we listened to "Tony Robbins: How To Attract A Loving Relationship" which is a compilation of his and his wife's relationship advice. Where he, of course, made some really good points, especially about how all most women need/want is for a man to be 100% present and honest for them at all times. I really enjoyed this short but educational video/sound byte. Then we decided to take our little one to the mall so she could run around a little because she felt better. When we were coming up the escalator I noticed that the indoor playground had a line going way out the door and I said it's packed, implying that perhaps it was a bad idea for them to go (I'd be walking on my own regardless). As we got a little closer to the line and I saw it was full of threats/triggers aka eye candy for Wade, I again brought up that perhaps they should go elsewhere, but he insisted and said it was fine. So, as I was walking away, I said out loud "Oh, I bet it's fine" or "I know why you want to go" or something along those sarcastic lines, making it clear that he understood that I understood exactly why he was more than happy to wait forever to get inside that overcrowded place... because the reward for him would be so worth it: eye candy galore. After he heard my remark, he suddenly changed his mind and decided to go somewhere else. I left for my walk, he began trying to talk to me, first by phone which I ignored and told him on text that I don't feel like talking to him ... so then he began texting me. We had an exchange that lasted my whole walk, so I couldn't really distract myself from oncoming triggers or the rage that was ongoing within me. I told him exactly how his actions (what I perceive as pure instinctual intentions) show me a lot more than any words ever can. He defended himself and of course, his words these days sound great, I want to believe him, it's extremely pleasant to hear and the kinds of things being said, well, any woman would want to hear. However, when I hear things like how beautiful I am, how lucky you are to have me... then 10 minutes later, while you are holding my hand walking up to a Dunkin kiosk I WATCH your eyes focus in at another woman's ass... then look up asap and not say a word until I say "REALLY?!"... which triggers an onslaught of sorry's and excuses... how else am I supposed to interpret that? or when there are a bunch of hot moms lined up buffet style and I'm suggesting you go elsewhere, but you still insist on staying... what else am I suppose to think? that's why I am having such a difficult time these days distinguishing my own reality and whether or not I could trust my own feelings, what if I've convinced myself again? because I know I did do so, of many different things throughout the years just to make my shitty reality seem less ugly than it truly was. What's to say I didn't buy into this dream fantasy I put in my head for instance on the cruise, what if that shift I felt was nothing more than wishful/hopeful thinking that I confused for something else? it felt so real but what if I was just living in momentary happiness because I wanted to believe in it so badly... I don't know anymore and that's terrifying me. It's what I was trying to explain to him, it just can not be both ways, not in my opinion. He can not be so 'into' me and obviously lose his shit when they are around, like 'slipping' right in front of me or being so mesmerized by them that he ignores what I am suggesting aka warning him about... just because his mission is to get inside to be around that many primes, so he loses all of his other senses, especially the common one.

Like, when it's good, it's really good and it feels so real, unreal sometimes - it's like he's is someone else altogether. The things he says melt my heart, the cute stuff he does and effort he puts it, none of it goes unnoticed by me but when those past behaviors creep back up, they serve as a cold hard reminder, a wake up call - quite literally that just below the surface, that guy who hurt me so badly is still in there and all it takes is something/someone to trigger him to come back out and I don't want to be a fool like I had been in the past, I don't want my heart to get ripped apart again, I don't want to go around avoiding/ignoring red flags because "being hopeful is better!" and it is super scary when I don't know what to believe anymore, I don't think I trust myself, honestly. Look, I want to be hopeful, but at the end of the day, I'm not in his head, only he is and that's where the real truth is. The only thing I have to rely on is his actions sometimes they do show me that I am the world like on the cruise, but other times they just don't match up with the words that he is expressing to me. It's also difficult to believe that someone's preferences could be bottled up for too long without bursting eventually. This is why I believe he still acts out (slipping and etc) because his instincts want/prefer someone, something else and I don't think that can ever truly be suppressed, not totally.

When we met up, we continued talking and getting both our points out and across and I guess it helped, better than bottling up of course. Although I didn't feel like talking much, we were both in a better place after. I was still triggered, but because it is Veterans Day, we decided to take the kids out to dinner (Wade's a Vet). Luckily my trigger was waiting tables on the other side, but I did see her pass a few times, I was already triggered from earlier in the day, so it didn't affect me as much though, I guess I just ran out of mental energy.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I voiced what I was feeling instead of keeping it inside.

#Motivational
HABITS TO START DOING TODAY

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 653: 11/12/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, I didn't think we had much more to discuss, so I figured we should just go and watch some TV, but Wade insisted we talk anyway. He is more of a talker than I am, under any circumstance - good or bad. I love him for that, for being not just his own strength when I am triggered, but for carrying both of us through until I calm down enough to be coherent. We spoke about our morning, elaborating about how I felt, why I felt that way and my understanding of all that occurred and then he shared his take on it. After we went to watch some TV.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Use Affirmations Properly So They Help You To Grow", in this episode, we get some great tips on how to use affirmations properly so they help you grow. Remember, you become what you think about.

This morning, I wasn't feeling too well to walk, so I went with Wade to his doctor's appointment. On the way there and as we drove around running errands after, we listened to "Tom Bilyeu - Why Success Doesn’t Matter". A really good talk where he really hones in on the point that what you tell yourself is what sets you on the path you are on. What you get comfortable with, you'll get adapted to it and find it acceptable. He said "even addicts eventually adapt to their way of life" and that is so true. He makes so many good points that I would do him a disservice by chopping them up into bits here, I highly recommend everyone spends the full 45 minutes and listens to him here. One of the biggest points he was trying to drive home was: "your life is the exact reflection of the choices you have made. Love your life? great you've made awesome choices. Hate your life? I'm sorry you've made bad choices but the good news is you're in control." Then during the Q&A segment, someone asked him about happiness and how to sustain it, his answer was so deep and thought-provoking, he said "here's the thing about happiness, happiness is by nature transient happiness is also a neurochemical state and for me to get out from under my brain I finally had to understand that neurochemistry is fickle and it changes from one minute to the next in fact who's ever had a day in the same day where you thought I'm so fucking amazing like this shit is crazy for real are other people this good at anything like I'm the shit and then I'm not joking forty minutes later you're like oh fuck man I am spastic I can't believe I'm never gonna succeed like this is a joke I'm a total piece of shit who's ever been there alright that's essentially universal hands in the air so just know the next time that you have one of those down moments remember everybody else is feeling that the joke is on all of us we're all feeling it but we think we're the only ones so we hide it so we get these loops about happiness look happiness comes and goes it's super transient you're gonna feel it one minute you're not gonna feel it the next that is the nature of things burn that notion into your head that is the nature of things all right well if I know that it's there if I know that it's predictable then I'm not gonna let it whip me into a frenzy I know that as I'm sure Mr. J Shetty would say this too shall pass learn that phrase and learn it well this too shall pass the highs will pass the lows will pass so don't focus on happiness it's too transient focus on fulfillment, fulfillment is defined very simply you work very hard for a set of skills that have meaning to you you care about them in and of themselves and those skills that you have worked so hard to obtain they allow you to serve not only yourself but others that's the key to making this highly social animal fulfilled and to have something that sustains a time fulfilment is born of suffering it's born of doing the hard things so even in those dark moments you can see beauty you can experience the joy of being alive you can experience the joy of having loved ones because it endures fulfillment in doors now you're not gonna feel the neurochemical high of it all the time but when you look inward and ask yourself am i busting my ass to serve not only myself but others if the answer is yes it's really hard to keep feeling badly about yourself focus on fulfillment and you will make yourself impervious to the sways that is happiness."

We had a lot of good moments and chats throughout the morning, there weren't many triggers in Costco, which is a good thing as I needed to decompress after the last few days I've had.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
No major issues today, which I am happy about, I needed the break.

#Motivational
This Will Help You To Relieve and Manage Your Stress BETTER

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 654: 11/13/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Silence.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we did not talk, we watched some tv and then he had to go to work. No matter how tense things get these days, I hate when he has to leave for work, I rather have him in bed with me.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Be More Resilient", in this episode, we learn how to be more resilient from our friend Isaiah Hankel. Remember, greatness is not achieved inside your comfort zone.

This morning, my parents came in with the good news that my persistent calling on their behalf made a difference and is now an early Christmas present for them. I did a bit of tip researching for a *possible next vacation, yes I know we just got back from one, but a girl is allowed to daydream. Then, I also began doing some research on really tightening our belts financially this year, we've gotten ahead of ourselves again somehow and we need to rein it in for 2020. I am digging into how we can combine some streaming plans and maybe get rid of others, in any event, I felt accomplished even if I didn't get a chance to work due to the frigid weather, Wade's PT and being sick too. Our eldest came home from school almost as soon as we dropped her off there, she had a minor incident at her first period gym class that she could have waited out and felt better within minutes, but she preferred to come home and I said it was okay.

FYI, being on hold with Disney+ for over 2 hours, until I hung up because I lost my shit -- well, it wasn't my best moment.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I was sick and lazy all day, no I didn't really "like" all that, but I liked that I didn't shame myself for it.

#Motivational
Mike Tyson - "ACCEPT WHO YOU ARE"

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 655: 11/14/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Silence.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, oh man, where do I begin... so we were in the middle of our family dinner and we started a little later than usual because it took Wade longer to do the prep. Midway through the dinner, we hear a knock at the door and it was my parents, they see us at the table and they just barge in anyway. On multiple occasions, I have told my mom to call first, so I could let her know if we are done eating or not, so they can come over a little later if anything. I saw Wade's face and I was annoyed too, but I hide it better. My mom went to sit down and I motioned to Wade to just continue with what he was saying. Every few seconds my dad kept interrupting us to ask random questions about a blanket until he finally sat down next to my mom. Wade kept making remarks to our eldest about how she was sitting at the dinner table and I could hear my parents commenting about how we always nitpick on her and can't just let her be (it was in Russian, so that's my best translation). Those comments they make thinking no one hears them... annoys me to no end, but anyway, a few minutes later the eldest gets up to go talk to my mom and within minutes the little one follows suit, leaving some of her meal and us at the table... once the little one gets distracted, that's it, there's no getting her back to finishing her meal. The whole situation was extremely irritating, especially because no matter how many times I've told my mom about this boundary, she refuses to follow it. Wade went to the kitchen and I began helping him clean the table and met him there, he said: "I am going to remind them that they need to call"... I said "NO, do not do it, my dad won't take it well"... he completely ignored my insistence to let it go, so I can talk to my mom alone later and barged into the living room and before he was even done saying "next time, we would really appreciate it if you cal..." my dad jumps up, pitching a - 5 year old child like - fit; yelling in a really aggressive and angry tone (in Russian) to my mom "you see, I told you, they don't want us here, you keep dragging us here, we bother them, we are in their way, they don't need us" then turning towards us he continued "...but don't worry, you'll never see me here again! I will never ask you guys of anything again!...etc" I already don't recall all of it, but it was exactly what I expected to happen, and precisely why I told Wade to NOT confront them at the moment, especially in front of my dad. He storms off and I turn to my mom and say "this is why I said to you, please call to see if we are done with dinner" and she says "I know but I forget and usually you guys are done by this time, how were we suppose to know you were still eating so late!" and I said "by calling" and she just stared blankly at me. Shortly after, she left as well and I was pissed at everyone, at Wade most of all because I have a sixth sense about people and situations... so when I told him to NOT say anything, it was because I knew what would happen and I was right. Wade left to do the laundry, I asked the eldest to keep the little one busy so I can decompress. After about 25 minutes, I wondered what was taking him so long in the laundry room, then I guessed he probably went to my parents. When he came home, he told me he did go talk to my dad and thinks they came to some sort of peace. I told him I appreciated his effort, but I knew that my parents would probably take it ass-backward and assume I was the one who forced him to march over there and apologize. Nonetheless, it was a good gesture on his part to go and try to mend the situation somewhat, but unfortunately, I know my parents and how they 'work'. Then at night we spoke about all of this and I told him that we would tell in the next few days if my dad was being authentic when he said "everything is good now" and shook his hand or if he was just saying it, just to appease Wade at the moment and would continue to sit in his tantrum.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Overcome Bad Days", in this episode, Freddy Fri Day tells us how to overcome bad days. Remember, tough times don't last, tough people, do.

This morning, I was still not in the place to walk and Wade had PT again, so my parents had to drive the girls to school. My mom came in alone (they usually come in together) and I asked her "is he still in the middle of being a 5 year old?" and she said, "you know he needs time". I am so over being the one to say sorry even when they are the ones in the wrong, sorry for their hurt feelings when I've done nothing but EVERYTHING they've asked of me since I was born! I refuse to beg, plead, walk on eggshells to accommodate anyone anymore, including a 70-year-old man who is acting no better than my 12 or 5-year-old when they get "upset". Everyone is so freaking dramatic all the time, I am at my wit's end.

ANYHOW, while I worked on some vacation photos, I listened to an interview that I had in my "watch later" list, but Wade ironically also began listening too and wanted me to hear it. I listened to "Why Mindset Is Everything" an interview with Tom Bilyeu, on the Rich Roll Podcast. For anyone who is a fan of Impact Theory, Quest or the man behind it all Tom Bilyeu this is a enriching and in-depth interview, where you get to learn so much about Tom and what makes him who he is. There were many great points in this interview, but one that really made me think of Wade and his recovery journey was when Tom was complimenting Rich's journey from Alcoholic to recovered and teacher. When Tom said, "everything that people know you for, comes after this extraordinary battle with alcoholism which is like so red, like, you're so much more interesting to me because you went through that so you did they're like sage-like quality which by the way you feel when you're near you and I know a lot of your guests probably never going to actually be in your vibe and like it's rad and there's it's so cool because it was born of somebody who had to go through like they went through the hero's journey and they've come back to teach." Which reminded me of what Wade tells me from time to time, that when he is in a more secure place in recovery, he wants to mentor others just starting in their recovery journey.

We shall see what else today brings in regard to my parents when they bring the girls home from school. Shit, I so did not need this extra stress and drama, especially as I am still slowly getting over the last few huge triggers with Wade... not to mention that this whole incident was also a trigger from a relationship standpoint because I asked Wade not to do something, then two seconds later he completely ignored the words that were coming out of my mouth (just like when we were at the mall) and he did what he wanted to anyway. Now I am sitting in this clusterfuck, and I don't know what will come of it.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Finding my own inner peace.

#Motivational
MOTIVATION FOR BAD DAYS

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 656: 11/15/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Mornings.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we didn't watch tv, he gave me a nice back rub, while sick! we are both sick and have been feeling like crap lately. I really appreciated it because I didn't expect it nor did I think it was necessary while he is feeling so bad himself, but he did it anyway - so I am thankful for that. During the massage, we talked about the incident with my parents and what he could do next time to avoid something like this again, be it with them, our kids or with anyone. He wants to try and implement Tom's emotional barometer with Lisa, that when he is emotional and she tells him to stop or offers a suggestion, he has made it a habit to listen to her right away and not argue about it, because he is not in his right mind, and she is and he knows that at the end of the day, she has his best interest at heart at all times and wouldn't be stopping him for any nefarious reasons. Although I did tell Wade, flat out DON'T DO IT and he still did, so I'm not sure how he'll change something for next time.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “6 Quick And Easy Ways To Practice More Mindful Living", in this episode, we hear 6 ways to practice more mindful living. 1) Eat consciously, 2) When waiting in lines, use that time to regroup and be thankful, 3) Establish a meditation practice, 4) Breathe, 5) Be mindful, 6) Don't feel the need to fill up time, where you are busy all the time, take time to decompress and do nothing. Remember, your actions are your only true belongings.

This morning, while I continued working on vacation photos, I listened to "Why Even Your Failures Are Just Opportunities to Learn" an interview with Marie Forleo, on Impact Theory, with Tom Bilyeu. Marie Forleo, author of “Everything is Figure-Outable” and YouTube star, is on a mission to help anyone succeed in life and in business and that means showing everyone how to challenge their most deeply-held beliefs, and how to approach every situation as a learning opportunity. During their exchange, Marie Forleo explains the relationship between action and clarity, how to tell the difference between fear and intuition, and why you always have to start before you’re ready. They also go over what it means to say everything is figure-outable, they discuss the only belief that matters, how she uses negative emotions as fuel, why you have to start before you’re ready, she explains the quote “failure is just an event, not a characteristic”, understanding the difference between fear and intuition, and how to listen to your own body and intuition.

We had a school function for our little one today, it was so cute, "Class of 2032, College is our Future" I guess they want to inspire kindergarteners to start aiming for college, starting now lol.

My parents will be stopping by, well, not sure if my dad will, but my mom said she would because as usual, they need me to call someplace for them... I guess we shall see where that ends.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Out of my normal routine still, but surprisingly I don't feel any shame, I just want to get back to good health to get to it again.

#Motivational
6 Best Mindful Living Tips. Living with Mindfulness

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 657: 11/16/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Open Communication.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke for a bit about what he listened to, what I listened to and the various issues of the day (the situation with my parents). Afterward, we began watching the last season of Supernatural; while he gave me a fab foot rub and I did miss it, I'll be sad to see this show end, I just hope they do it justice, not like Game of Thrones.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “You Are The Creator Of Your Own Reality", in this episode, we have an excellent lesson reminding you that you are the creator of your own reality. Remember, your life will move in the direction of your words.

This morning, we took our little one to the indoor playground, Wade stayed with her and yes I quickly noticed a woman in front who triggered me... but I just left for my walk, I had a game to play/distract me... during my walk, I continued listening to "Loving Yourself, Addiction, and Creative Success" an interview with Whitney Cummings, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Whitney Cummings is a stand-up comedian, actress, and producer. She created the CBS sitcom 2 Broke Girls, the NBC sitcom Whitney, and the movie The Female Brain. I have to say, this interview is pretty relatable between how I felt and how Wade must have too, as a kid. So far they've discussed how we learn a lot of coping mechanisms when we’re younger which helps us get through tough times. But so many of us are still carrying around tactics when they are no longer needed which can prevent us from developing relationships. That need to “update our software.” Our situation has changed, but our brain has stayed the same and by working through your issues and not being afraid to change, we can learn healthier ways to move through the world. They go into why we should forgive our parents, how anxiety can help you, how to change the type of people you’re attracted to, why your relationship needs to be “boring” and the difference between interdependence and codependency. After they were done, we met up and had a family lunch, a very vulnerable and in touch conversation, it was very calming (my triggers) and nice. We won some gift cards and Wade got himself a few geeky t-shirts, which was nice. He kept stopping me randomly to tell me how beautiful I was and how lucky he felt, it was cute. Then we had a nice conversation stemming from the Tom interview on Rich Roll, during our car ride home. Overall, it was a good day, I just wish his boss gave him the day off, instead of denying it - so he could have been home tonight.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Was triggered a few times today, but it did get better after talking with Wade and playing my game.

#Motivational
YOU ARE THE CREATOR

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 658: 11/17/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Family time.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we didn't talk, we were catching up on Supernatural. Then Wade had to go to work, I went to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Start Making A Change For The Better", in this episode, we're reminded that life will change for the better only when we making a change for the better. Remember, when you change, and grow and get better everything in your life will change and grow and get better.

This morning, we decided to make it another family day. We went to Dave & Buster's, the girls had a really good time, Wade did too lol especially this Ku Fu Panda game (it was cute aha) and bowling for tickets. There were a few triggers here and there at the mall, it was a Sunday after all but I was able to get through them and become present, there was a lot of distractions so that usually helps. I continued working on figuring out some better options (cheaper options) to replace our Direct TV streaming because in under one year of very spotty service, they have increased the rate three times, it's crazy really. Three increases in price, but nothing is added to the service... we are going to try Sling TV Blue for two months, $30 bucks a month, same channels, DVR and a free Roku device. This is one of many cost-cutting adventures I am going on.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I remained present which allowed me to enjoy family time.

#Motivational
"The Billionaire Algorithm" | (it will change your future!)

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 659: 11/18/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Lunch with Wade.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we did not speak, we went to watch some TV and he gave me one of his awesome foot rubs. Afterward, we ended with... umm 'fun' lol it's been a few weeks due to timing, travel, illness, etc and we felt as connected as ever, it was wonderful.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Dare To Be Great: How To Do The Things You Need To Do", in this episode, we get reminded that before you can dare to be great we must develop our self-discipline. Remember, always remember, an expert at anything was once a beginner.

This morning, I had to see my regular doctor, she has a few screws loose, that's for sure. I miss my good one, why did she have to move to another location and no longer take insurance?! ugh. That whole visit was such a headache man, jeez. After that shitshow, Wade and I had a Groupon and we decided to use it, we went to have a nice Mexican lunch. We chatted all through lunch, about a conversation he was apart of at work that was a bit ridiculous if you ask me, but "boys will be boys", right? where two co-workers were discussing how after 27+ years of marriage and the other said 15 years, they have "no standards" aka about other women... which is obnoxious! They asked Wade if he had standards, he said yes and they joked "he's still in the honeymoon phase" ... if only they knew. I'm more than happy that he is in such a place where those conversations bother him and he stands up for us, our relationship and how he feels about me to anyone, even if they make jokes about it. I can feel a difference and shift, which started on the cruise, and I want to believe him so bad - told him so, but I just can't stop or control these triggers when they happen, which sucks. Last night was so intense, so connected and I know it can't be replicated with anyone else, but the fears are so real, so strong and take over me with a vengeance. Regardless of my idiot doctor ruining my mood in the morning, our lunch made me feel much better.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
The calm I felt at our lunch date, especially after the annoying doctors visit.

#Motivational
THE SECRET TO BUILDING SELF-DISCIPLINE

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 660: 11/19/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we decided to make it a movie night, well date night and watch something lighthearted. We watched "Isn't It Romantic" starring Rebel Wilson. It was Wade's idea and it was a great choice, the movie was hilarious and pokes fun at all romantic comedies without being a corny and overly vulgar "spoof" film. He also gave me a foot rub too which made my headache feel better.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “5 Habits That Will Completely Transform Your Life", in this episode, we learn about how developing these 5 habits will help you to completely transform your life. 1) Do what scares you socially, 2) Defining your ideal situation before your realistic situation, 3) Meditation can also help preserve relationships, 4) Cut out even the little white lies, 5) Stop always listening to sad songs and ones that don't bring positivity. Remember, the fears we don't face become our limits.

This morning, we were relistening to some parts of "Why Mindset Is Everything" an interview with Tom Bilyeu, on the Rich Roll Podcast. Wade wanted to hear some stuff over again. Once we got to the mall for our walk, we tried listening to the Edward Norton interview on the Rich Roll Podcast, but 30 minutes in... for me - it was a snooze fest, so I opted to stop listening, Wade may continue on his own later. So, we just walked around checked out some stores, Wade let me splurge a little on some Christmas decorations and then we finished relistening to Tom interview. We spoke about what he was saying, vented about my parents and a few various things in between too. We had to stop by Costco, there were some triggers there and I think Wade noticed because there was one spot where I was walking, he purposely stopped me to look at something, so she could pass, I did catch that.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Walked today! finally!

#Motivational
5 Habits That Will Change Your Life

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 661: 11/20/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we watched the Walking Dead while he gave me a nice foot rub, then followed it with a soothing back rub, again I feel so spoiled. He keeps telling me to stop feeling guilty about it, but I really don't feel I deserve this sort of treatment... getting so spoiled, I don't feel like I do enough to earn it, it's difficult for me to explain what I mean, but I've tried to explain it to him before. Then he had to leave for work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How Emotional Mastery Can Make You Invincible", in this episode, Brendon Burchard talks about how emotional mastery, or mastering your emotions can make you virtually invincible. Remember, it's not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts that causes suffering.

This morning, Wade had to work, so I walked alone. Initially, I was considering not going because I'm still coming off of a cold, but I decided to just go because it's winter and this is a never-ending saga now. As I walked, I listened to "Why You Need People Who Won't Coddle You" an interview with Chris Colfer, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Chris is best known for his role in the smash-hit television show Glee, but most devoted to his career as a writer of 15 books, he had a bucket list of goals at age 5. And unbelievably, he achieved everything on that bucket list as a writer and singer. In this episode, he talks about drive and ambition, the influence of a grandmother who always believed in him and yet was his harshest critic, and how he overcame bullying from his peers and doubt from an industry that told him he would never succeed. Some key points they discuss are why he likes fantasy, comics, and graphic novels so much (for the same reason I have been a fan since 1992 myself, I so can relate), he describes his drive and ambition, he talks about how much he loved Harry Potter despite being dyslexic, he explains that he does not identify as a victim of bullying anymore, he advocates that adolescence is the toughest time of life, he describes how he dealt with people telling him he couldn’t succeed, he explains how his grandmother being his toughest critic helped him, he talks about the pure joy of escapist fantasy and stimulating imagination, he advocates imagination and magic as creating something out of nothing. Wade was supposed to pick me up, but he ended up getting held up at work, normally I would have just kept walking rounds until he was able to pick me up but it was just way too cold, so I told him I would just walk back. He felt bad about it, I told him it was fine, that it is what it is, it's not his fault, that's his job, so I hope he didn't fill up with too much shame. We both got home at the same time.

Today, I'm getting a few more things off my plate which feels good. I'm thinking up some new financial goals/plans for 2020.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Convinced myself to walk, no matter my circumstance.

#Motivational
Secrets to Developing Emotional Mastery

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 662: 11/21/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, Wade gave me a nice foot rub and followed it up again with a back rub, it feels so good, but I don't do enough to pay him back, I feel.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Why We Must Learn To Embrace Failure", in this episode, Freddy Fri Day motivates us to embrace, learn and grow from your failures. Remember, it's true, you can't direct the wind, but we can adjust the sail.

This morning, Wade had PT but rushed through it because he wanted to walk with me this morning. Throughout the night he listened to an interview that he wanted to relisten to with me this morning. So, this morning we listened to "How To Brave the Wilderness" an interview with Brené Brown, on Marie TV with Marie Forleo. This was a good interview, it opened up a lot of interesting conversations for Wade and me. She spoke about her new book, Braving the Wilderness. They focus on belonging, courage, and why we all desperately need to change the way we talk about our enemies aka dehumanizing them. Wade is more in the Brené camp, me, I feel like do onto others as they do onto you, karma my friend... karma. I'm tired of being walked all over, being nice and taken advantage of all the time. My opinion? one must first be human, in order for me to worry about whether or not I'm dehumanizing them... Wade knows who I am referring to. Then we had a little hiccup at Target, as a woman that he would have most definitely ogled before was walking out (in front of us) ...we were behind her, also on our way out, he suddenly stops, turns to me and begins telling me how lucky he is and how beautiful I am. I immediately put 1 + 1 together and that he was trying to distract me from seeing her (but it was too late) and I hate when there is a 'threat' around, someone he would have 110% enjoyed looking at and tries distracting me from her by playing up the "you're so beautiful!!" thing. NOT A FAN of that at all seems so fake and like he is only saying it for that reason and not because he means it. Of course, he denied all of it, he says it was coincidental, he noticed her but didn't think she would trigger me, that he stopped me because he wanted to relay that message to me, at that moment and that's all etc., I don't buy it -- he hadn't mentioned any of that in the whole hour we were there, up until that point and I don't believe in such random coincidences.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Getting back into my regular routine.

#Motivational
Freddy Friday Embrace Failure

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 663: 11/22/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he gave me another foot and back rub, still can't get used to it but I also love it.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Here’s A Simple Goal Setting Guide That Will Help Make Goal Setting Easier", in this episode, we get a simple goal setting guide that will help make setting goals easier. Remember, a goal without a plan is just a wish.

This morning, the initial plan was to walk, however, things changed. I mentioned to Wade that it was drizzling on and off, when we spoke he made it sound like he didn't want to go to the mall, he thought we were going to go to the supermarket today, etc. Then eventually we decided to go to the mall. On the way to dropping off the kids at school, he began driving and zoning out, missing a turn, yawning, etc., making it clear to me that he was in no condition to drive down to the mall. Then after dropping off the girls, I told him that we should just go to the supermarket and go home after, he argued that he was fine to go to the mall and we had a tiresome back and forth about it, his points and mine. Eventually, I told him to just stop because I was getting more and more irritated, while he was getting more and more emotional. It was difficult for him, he wanted to keep going but he listened to me and stopped. We went to the supermarket and did some shopping, there were some mild triggers there, but nothing too bad. He and I talked a bit there, which helped calm him and he said that our conversation there has helped him move past his feelings/anxiety from our earlier back and forth. Although he still wants to talk about it later, so well will tonight I guess.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
That I was able to stop Wade when I felt myself getting irritated and him being repetitive.

#Motivational
A Complete Guide to Goal Setting

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 664: 11/23/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, oh man, where do I begin... I thought we'd be having a roundup talk about our morning but that was quickly sidelined after his mother called and ask him to invite his brother (and his family of four) to our small Thanksgiving gathering. Now, having said that -- this does not come as a surprise, as I predicted this would happen in the first place, hence why I told him we probably shouldn't invite them. Inviting them always means... his mom always telling him to invite everyone she wants him to invite, to our house, on our dime... dimes we do not have. To be honest, it's not just the lack of money, it's also always too loud, super chaotic because their kids are wild and they could care less about it - so I'm afraid all my hard work of decorating for the holidays will be destroyed while they laugh it off because 'kids, right!' - and that's not how I want to celebrate a holiday where I'm supposed to be happy, humble and reflect upon how grateful I am. Last year was different, I actually told him I realized it was the first Thanksgiving where I was happy, present and not faking it - this year, I will have to be fake again, so I guess that was a short-lived experience for me. I also noticed that the minute he came to me and told me he just got off the phone with his mom, in my gut, before he told me anything else, I knew what he was able to say and of course, I felt so much emotion and rage bubbling up within me because when it comes to this, I am always proven right and for once, on this occasion, I would have loved to be proven wrong. It would be nice to invite his parents, without them adding their two cents of who else we should invite, just take the invite, say thank you and end of story. That's just never the case, pfft. We talked about all this, he feels guilty for having tunnel vision and inviting them, even when I warned him what inviting them means and now regrets putting me in this position and ruining my mood for the holiday, but no matter how many sorry's he gives me, all I can say is... what he does not like hearing: it is, what it is.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Develop The Strength You Need To Win At Life", in this episode, we listen in as Ed Mylett and Rachel Hollis talk about developing the strength you need to win at life. Remember, you can't win in life if you're losing in your mind.

This morning, Wade took the little one to the indoor playground and I walked some rounds. I listened to "Stand For Love" an interview with Marianne Williamson, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Marianne Williamson is an internationally acclaimed lecturer, activist, and author of four bestselling books. In 1989, she founded Project Angel Food, a meals-on-wheels program that serves homebound people with AIDS in the Los Angeles area. Marianne is seeking to harness the power of love to fight the hate she sees in the world. She teaches us to go “all in” for the causes, we believe in while being unattached to the result. Oh and she's running for President in 2020! this was an okay interview, now I know who she is - when I didn't before. During this interview, we learn about Marianne’s philosophy of “The Conscious Samaritan”, why “trickle-down economics” doesn’t work, why people should keep up with the news, the importance of failure, and the reason people attack you when you challenge the status quo. After she was done playing we meet up for a quick lunch before heading home. He began listening to a different School of Greatness interview that I had recommended to him, so we talked about that a little.

Tonight there was a company party to collect money for the family of his co-worker who committed suicide back in June. I was nervous about going because of all the potential triggers that could be there, he told me before that there wouldn't be too many, then yesterday he tells me there should be like 300-500 people there... so the whole way there I was on pins and needles. All I can think about is that, which completely takes me out of the purpose of the events, I hate it and it sucks. He keeps saying that all he see's is me, he needs no one else because he is grateful for what he has with me... but when I see them, I just can not believe it. Anyway, we got there and of course, there were a lot of triggers there, it was overwhelming and my mood really got shot but I was trying my best to keep it together and not let it be seen outwardly too much. I think he was affected by all of them too... although he said he was only worried about me, I think he had some anxiety for slipping and other issues, like wanting to look but trying not to focus on them. It got to the point where I left half my food on the plate because I connect food with weight gain. Weight gain I associate with being unattractive to him, especially in comparison to all of his primes. When they are around, I'm on high alert and feel like I'm in competition mode, which means I can't eat or I'll feel fat and ugly to him, yeah - it's that bad, especially when there are that many of them around, it just sucks.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Made 3 rounds this morning, really happy about that.

#Motivational
Find Meaning In Your Life

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 665: 11/24/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Family time.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we talked slightly in the car on the way home but I was triggered and was not in the mood for it. Then we just watched some TV, he gave me a nice foot rub and we went to bed shortly after, luckily he was off so it was together.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Live A Ridiculously Amazing Life Without Limits", in this episode, we listen in as Les Brown and Tony Robbins talk about how to live a ridiculously amazing life without limits. Remember, the only limits in your life are the ones you set.

This morning, we took the girls to see Frozen 2 and wow it was a phenomenal sequel. Definitely a lot more mature, and even better (more meaningful) story. There is so much 'there-there' about facing your fears and learning to love who you truly are. Even our five year old didn't get up from her seat - not once, which she usually does during any movie (cartoon or otherwise) -- she was glued. Wade really like it too, there was a lot of adults will only get it * humor mixed in, definitely worth the watch.

Tonight we are going to be decorating our place for the holiday season, hopefully, it will help lift the damper his family situation has put on me. Well, his brother declining the invite aka having other plans would make me feel much better, so I'll keep my fingers crossed for that.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Some triggers at the movie theater, but they passed quickly.

#Motivational
WHEN LIFE BREAKS YOU

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 666: 11/25/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spent quite some time ranting about my dad and his aggressive behavior, right fighting and how is it that I turned out the way that I did. Then I told him a little bit about some of the reflections I've had after reading a chapter about PTSD/triggers in The Body Keeps Score. How my rage/anger about his brother coming over was so much more than just potentially ruining all of the decorations. That underneath all of that was my fear of repeating his situational trigger from the last time his entire family was all together. My fear of him getting emotionally wound up and causing a relapse etc. Both of us found the discussion enlightening and educational.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Easy Actionable Tips On How To Make Affirmations Work", in this episode, we get some very useful tips on how to make affirmations work. Remember, if you believe it, you can achieve it.

This morning, we began listening to "Forgiveness and Choosing Happiness" an interview with Jon Dorenbos, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Jon Dorenbos is a former NFL long snapper. He played for the Buffalo Bills, the Tennessee Titans, and the Philadelphia Eagles. He also has a successful career as a magician. He has appeared on America’s Got Talent and on The Ellen Degeneres Show. So far, Jon opens about the difficult situations he faced in his life, but by choosing happiness, he has come out on top and is living his ‘Rock Star’ life. This is a very heavy interview, he opens up about his childhood trauma... like his father murdering his mother... how an alter-ego will help you get through challenging times, about the power of finding peace during a difficult time and how to practice forgiveness.

Wade decided to get the girls two guinea pigs, I told him he is doing this to himself LOL, he is a glutton for punishment! but if he is sure he wants to get into that whole mess then sure. I had pets my entire childhood, but I actually played with them, enjoyed them and loved them... our girls, well they are excited for five minutes and then move on. I ordered the cage already, so I'm roped in... we'll be getting the piggies on Monday to surprise them, that will be priceless though. I want to name them myself, but I will let the girls do it, well maybe with a few hints from us aha.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Listening to Wade's compliments in the car today made me feel good and giddy.

#Motivational
How To BRAINWASH Yourself To SUCCEED

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 667: 11/26/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Shopping.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we decided to have a date night, we watched a bit of Spaceballs (hilarious movie ~ omg) drank some wine and it was nice and lovely... he also gave me a foot rub too, all-star treatment... but my body decided to ruin my moment and be a total asshole by getting insanely tired all of a sudden, to the point where I couldn't keep my eyes opened. So, I told him I would head to bed, but he could stay up and catch up on some of his shows. He said he might feel some shame about it, I told him not to, but I will ask him about it again later.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Les Brown: Showing Up For Life Is The First Step To Winning", in this episode, we get told (reminded) that some days it's OK if all you do is breathe. Because showing up for life every day is half the battle. Remember, some days it's OK if all you do is breathe.

This morning, we finished listening to "Forgiveness and Choosing Happiness" an interview with Jon Dorenbos, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Jon Dorenbos is a former NFL long snapper who now has a successful career as a magician. It was a powerful, in-depth and interesting interview, definitely worth the listen/watch, but it's a little difficult to listen to due to some of the subjects discussed. I don't know if I would be able to ever move on or forgive anyone for what his father did, Jon is a bigger person than I am.

We skipped our walk because we wanted to get ahead on our Thanksgiving shopping. We ran some errands, got what we needed, spent the entire morning together and there weren't any triggers; yippee! We spoke on and off about various topics, including the rancid women he used to ogle, and how to me whether he looked for fun, habit or out of sheer boredom - didn't matter because, from my side of it, he was still ignoring me the whole time. So my reality was; if he's looking (no matter at who) that's what he prefers since he sure as hell wasn't looking at me. He said he understood where I was coming from.

We've also been having a lot of cute back and forths, random stuff really, but it's been really sweet for us both I think.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
No triggers today.

#Motivational
Les Brown: Self-Discipline Will Make You Unstoppable

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 668: 11/27/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we didn't talk, he did my nails and I let him pick the color, he did a fantastic job I might add. I really am grateful that he offers to do this for me, I appreciate it so much. Not only does it save money (salon trips), but it also bonds/connects us, I guess because it's 'our thing' and not many other couples (esp husbands) do this... and it seems like he legitimately enjoys doing it and I really enjoy receiving it.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Tony Robbins On What It Means To Live A Truly Abundant Life", in this episode, Tony Robbins talks with us about what it means to live a truly abundant life. Remember, the day you trade expectation for appreciation is the day you'll become wealthy.

This morning, Wade had to work, so I walked alone. During my walk, I listened to "How to Start Over When You Don’t Know What to Do" an interview with Allison Maslan, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Allison is an American entrepreneur, business mentor, homeopath, and author. She is the executive producer and host of her online television show, Allie & You. In this episode, she talks about how a near-death experience forced her to change her life, the importance of self-care, and the traits necessary for success. During their discussion, we learn what happens when you stop fearing embarrassment, you have to be conscious of change in your life and want it, her advice for people who are in a shitty relationship, how asking for help is smart - it’s not a sign of weakness, why her decisions come down to either a “hell yes” or a “no way”, why is self-care important and a whole lot more.

I'm glad I got my walk in because as soon as I was done with my shower, my mom waltzed through the door... no phone call to see if I was home, busy, in the shower or whatever - she just opens the door and comes in, like nothing... I was so furious, I am so happy Wade was awake and I had him to rant to, it really helped simmer me down a bit. Then he was thoughtful and got me some yummy lunch which I was happy about it.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I was debating whether to walk or not, but I'm glad I went ahead with it, felt great about myself after.

#Motivational
Warren Buffett's 5/25 Rule Will Help You Focus On The Things That Matter

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 669: 11/28/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he gave me a back rub while we talked. He got to rant a bit about some new laws that are going into effect in Jan, which will make his job a whole lot worse. Then we spoke about my morning (my turn to rant) and how he is feeling about his family coming over for Thanksgiving. Then we watched some TV before he had to leave for work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Deal With The Fear of Rejection", in this episode, Freddy Fri Day, explains that we should never let the pain of rejection break us! we have success embedded inside, so never let anyone make you feel like you are not worthy! Remember, I believe that rejection is a blessing because it's the Universe's way of telling you there is something better out there.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!~ remember to be grateful every day, not just today!

This morning, during our walk, we talked about "Russell Brand in conversation with Dr. Drew Pinsky" a live Q&A at Live Talks Los Angeles. I had watched it earlier and told him to give it a listen because I really enjoyed it. He watched it overnight and by morning he was very excited to talk to me about it. There were so many good points that were brought up, how important connection is with just one other person is, how the person who is helping the addict in recovery must do his or her part and not just be a bystander, but actually support, point things out and confront them when needed... two really awesome points that really got to me was Dr. Drews breakdown of happiness versus pleasure: "let me let me just put a little finer point on the happiness versus pleasure thing what I said was that I feel very strongly that we're confused about happiness in this country and we're interested in pleasure and what's called hedonic happiness as opposed to what really makes us fulfill which is eudaimonic happiness, Aristotle had this idea about the purpose of human existence is something called eudaimonia and people have argued about how it should be translated. It was originally translated as happiness but in recent years has been translated as flourishing. Flourishing is really thought to be the reason for human existence; well what is flourishing? well it's not heroin, it's not cocaine, it's not new boots... that will give you pleasure that's a certain kind of happiness but it's very fleeting, it needs more all the time, it's very addictive as opposed to - eudaimonic happiness which is what recovery is about. Which is about being whole and regulated and really ultimately they find that being of service to others, being present with others is how you find eudaimonic happiness. But to actually achieve eudaimonia you have to have some skills, he called that technique, you have to have some wisdom, he called that phronesis and you had to have some capacity, something you trained to do to make the difference, to really contribute in a way that would make you eudaimonically whole." and also what Russell said when he was addressing addicts... "One thing I am absolutely certain about is the accuracy of this word; "recovery", is that you recover the person you were meant to be, that there is an intention on a biochemical biological level, the same way as there would be of a tree barring a negative incident and disease, the tree won't flourish, it will become the thing it was intended. Impediment, impairment, intoxication will prevent this it will prevent the intended journey from being experienced".

This evening his entire family is coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. I'm on pins and needles, I don't know what to expect in the aftermath and to be honest, this is not how I wanted to spend my Thanksgiving at all. I wanted to have a small family dinner, with just us and have it calm, peaceful and stress-free, a repeat of last year. Wade wanted to invite his parents and I told him that by doing so, they will insist on him inviting his brother too (and the brother's family too). He said it's fine and now we are here... he told me he was feeling anxious last night, I've been anxious all week and today most of all. I don't know how it will go, what I do know is it will be loud, chaotic and his brother's kids will more likely than not, mess with my holiday decorations. I hope it goes quickly and so I could have my stress levels come back down. In any event, I am grateful for my little family and where I am with Wade in our connection these days, we are on a whole different level and we both feel it, we have each other to get through anything.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Love how my hair looks.

#Motivational
How To Deal With The Fear Of Rejection

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 670: 11/29/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke about thanksgiving dinner with the whole family. It was just as loud and chaotic as I predicted. I was actually more concerned for Wade throughout the dinner because he was getting overwhelmed a whole lot more than I was. I think it was a whole host of issues, but most of all his parents coming for what appears to be the wrong reasons, but in all honesty - it's all normal to them. Wade is seeking out some sort of connection with them, but they are not reciprocating because they are not looking for connection, they are just checking boxes. For his mom it was a photo op for her Facebook friends, his dad well was there in order to show off a bit, but it ended up backfiring because it kind of hurt/offended Wade. We asked them and his brother to bring a small number of side dishes/salads for the table because Wade was making the main stuff. They ended up bringing a lot of food, way more than we asked for - which of course we appreciate the gesture in theory because they wasted money, etc, however, it was also quite inconsiderate in the same breath because they knew Wade worked the night before, woke up early just to cook his dishes for the table but because they brought so much food, no one had 'room' for what he prepared, I think only he, his mom, myself and our daughter had some. Had they told him the night before that they were planning on getting a lot more than we agreed upon, he would have slept longer, been a lot more well-rested for the evening and not bothered cooking anything for the table - we could have saved the ingredients for our own family dinner later on. Then his mom wanted pictures taken, his dad was messing around and taking horrible shots making this fake (and forced) photo op last what seemed like forever, making Wade more and more annoyed and emotionally exhausted. I tried to hold his hand, so he knows I'm there with him but I could tell his mood was foul. His brother was loud, full of himself and just arrogant as usual. Their kids were screaming 85% of the time, so the noise pollution was insane. Then as soon as we sat at the table to eat, they give both their kid's tablets, which I'm almost certain pissed Wade off because as soon as they did that, our wanted hers too and he couldn't say no since they were using theirs. He is not a fan of electronics at the dinner table, especially not right away, usually 30 minutes in once they get antsy (after they finish eating and we're still working on our meals) we give in, but not while they still have food on their plate. My mom was on guard for my Christmas decorations lol as they kept trying to touch them, which annoyed me, and their parents didn't give a flying f*ck about anything. At the end of this whole ordeal, Wade said: "never again"... I think it finally clicked if it's not an authentic connection, what's the point? it's better to have a smaller table but have happiness, calm and peace (like last year) -- then what we had here, chaos, noise, and emotional turmoil/stress and not to mention feeling unappreciated, well at least I felt like he wasn't appreciated/considered by them, not sure if that's how he took it.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How Overthinking Things Hurts Your Growth", in this episode, we learn about how overthinking things hurts your growth. Remember, there is nothing in the world that can trouble you as much as your own thoughts.

This morning, my little one woke me up at 5:20 am, joined me in bed with the false promise of 'sleeping again'. Shortly after we were both out of bed, at 7:15 am on the dot, the door unlocks and my mom walks in and just sits there waiting for me to doing some Black Friday shopping for cruises, which I quickly saw there wasn't much of a deal on them, she still stayed until Wade got home... within a few minutes after he got home, my dad comes in with more problems for us to solve... "right now!" when all we wanted to go was get out of the house and go for our walk asap, so he can get back home and go to sleep after his shift. After what seemed like the longest delay ever, we finally got into the car and drove down to the mall for our walk. We began listening to "Why You Need to Proactively Change Your Thought Patterns & Beliefs" an interview with Gabby Bernstein, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. She is the acknowledged “spirit junkie” and best-selling author who has devoted her life to helping people unpack and overcome the deep trauma that leads to so many forms of chronic physical and mental illnesses. We only got a few minutes into the interview and so far it is off to a good start about triggers and trauma. We ended up having a nice conversation stemming from her point about blacking out a lot of childhood memories. We would have continued listening during our walk, however, due to the fact that this morning was a total clusterf*ck - I forgot to take our headphones. I guess we will have to finish tomorrow.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
As tired and annoyed as I am by today's nonstop noise pollution, I have not snapped.

#Motivational
Sadhguru - Positive Thinking

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------