Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 632: 10/23/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Morning Walk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we did not talk, we had a very deep conversation in the morning. Our evening was super busy with packing for the cruise and after we put the girls to bed, we watched some TV before he went to work.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “You Got This!”, in this episode, Freddy Fri who uses hip hop, poetry, spoken word, speech, and storytelling to motivate you into believing that 'you got this' and 'you can do this!'. Today's message is entitled You Got This! Remember, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

    This morning, we finished listening to "How to Go From Rock Bottom to the Top" an interview with Lori Harder, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Fitness world champion Lori Harder has learned the highs and lows are all necessary for real change. As they continued, Lori shares her life-changing revelations after getting kidnapped in Cancun, she details staying hungry and finding balance after achieving success, then gives advice to women unhappy with their body and people looking to rewrite their story, and discusses her book’s key principles for developing self-awareness. One quote that really stood out and I really agree with is “Without those really hard times you just don't get the euphoria on the other side.” This one opened a good conversation about gossiping, bullying, etc. because she brought the topic up, but Wade had also just read about it in his Brene Brown book and was excited to share. Then we stopped by Barnes & Noble to pick up a magazine because it was my tearsheet, I worked on the cover and many of the spreads inside. I wasn't going to say anything to the cashier, but Wade said "she worked on this one!" and sounded so excited, it was so cute.

    The cruise is 4 days away, I feel both excited and anxious - however, a lot of my thoughts about the cruise keep being overshadowed about my fears for this Friday, sigh.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: The joy I felt when Wade was excited about seeing my published work.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Freddy Fri - You Can Do This!


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    [​IMG]
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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

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    prettyboichad likes this.
  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 633: 10/24/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Work.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, Wade read a few pages of his Brene Brown book to me about gossip, bullying and stereotyping. They were interesting points (obviously, it's Brene) and really played into some of the stuff we heard earlier in the day on Impact Theory. Unfortunately, I think it is impossible to never stereotype because some things are so engraved within us, that no matter how difficult we try, in a time of anger, crisis or annoyance, those pre-stored "info" are just there. Maybe it's just me, but I'm looking at it realistically. He also gave me a lovely foot rub AND back rub (score!), again I don't feel I deserve it but appreciate it very much.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Quickly Boost Your Self Esteem”, in this episode, several well known motivational speakers talk about how to quickly boost your self-esteem. Remember, having a low opinion of yourself is not modesty, it's self-destruction.

    This morning, Wade had PT and I had to help my parents with a phone call and work. The initial plan was he gets home, lays down for a power nap and after I was done helping my parents - I'd wake him up and we'd go spend some time walking together and then buy some miscellaneous stuff for our trip. However, he was super tired and even me walking around, working and jumping in the shower didn't even nudge him. I figured he was really tired, so... I decided to just let him sleep and take care of everything myself. When he woke up, he was a bit disappointed that I didn't wake him up, but I wanted to do this for him - so, oh well.

    Now he will be getting some dinner and we'll be finishing Wreck-It Ralph 2.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Let Wade sleep and still got what I needed to be done, done.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    5 Secrets To Quickly BOOST Your Self Esteem!


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    [​IMG]
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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  3. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 634: 10/25/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) My Eldest.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we didn't talk, we went to watch some TV while he gave me a foot rub. He did pause in the middle of the show and we spoke for a bit before continuing again. What he said was very sweet and other points he made, he said they bring him shame for even thinking those thoughts, I understand them though because I've thought them too.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Control Your Thoughts So You Can Control Your Life”, in this episode, we learn how to control your thoughts so you can control your life. Remember, you either control your mind or it controls you.

    Today my oldest turns 12! omg, where did the time fly?! I feel so old now, but I wish my bright, beautiful and witty girl the best birthday, as we try to make it a happy day for her.

    This morning, Wade went to volunteer at picture day and I definitely needed to walk because of it. As I walked, I listened to "If You Can't Ditch Social Media Entirely, Try This Instead" an interview with Steve Aoki, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Steve is a monster producer, musician, and label-owner and has not only achieved incredible success in the music industry but has managed to constantly reinvent himself to stay just ahead of global trends. During this interview, he shares the secrets to lasting success, his own family story, and his advice for anyone who finds themselves feeling stuck, jaded or cynical. They discussed what keeps him going at age 40, the need to connect and make an impact, the compulsion to achieve greatness as positive, how he created the space to be free and to follow his passion, how he really appreciates his father’s, tough love, how he reinvents himself in music, cynicism and how he avoids it, he also shares his advice for people who have gotten jaded and explains how he deals with failure when it’s so common. It was a good interview, not as enlightening as some of the others I've listened to but good nonetheless. Maybe it is because I was distracted the whole time too, I don't know. The rolling thoughts of Wade being around one of his primes aka tier ogling prospects all day was driving me up the wall. He did message me a couple of times, I guess trying to ease my running thoughts but it wasn't helping. All I could think about was him and her, together. How he is probably trying so hard to control himself but every time he see's her, he really has the urge to ogle and I don't even want to describe the rest of the thoughts I'm assuming he is having about her each time he sees, the visuals are enraging me. I bet he was also "slipping" left and right. Last night, he also gave me some unneeded descriptions and sound effects of what he used to think when she passed by, which unfortunately made a great addition to the images I already had in my head today... because instead of just visuals, I had sound effects too. I won't go into details of all the triggering thoughts I'm thinking about all that because it makes my trigger worse. He finished and is running some errands, I thought I would do him a solid and warn him not to be touchy today or give me compliments/sweet nothings because, with the vivid picture I'm looping through, of his day with 'her' today, it will only make things worse because I feel like it is being done to "soften the blow". What sucks is now, I'm closer to the "anxious/be scared" version of myself about the cruise we go on in two days, instead of the excitement and calm I was really working at achieving. Whatever... I just hope I can distract myself enough to calm down by the time my kids get home from school because I do not want to ruin my daughter's day.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Trying to really distract myself to bring this trigger down in order to be present for my daughter.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Relationships
    Liza Shaw: Marriage 2.0 -- a system update for lifelong relationships


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    [​IMG]
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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

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  4. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 635: 10/26/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Surprise for the kids.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we spoke on and off about how I felt all morning while he was spending that time at the kid's picture day, with the prime pta mom he used to ogle nonstop no matter who was around in the past. Of course, he explained things from his vantage point and I explained them from how they are perceived by me. We obviously have different opinions and don't agree with the other, not on this. In the back of my mind, I am glad he was able to spend time with our girls, help them take pictures, help out the school and even get a free photo package because of it. However, when my mind flashes the ** remember SHE was there with him! ** reminder, everything else goes dark and my mind and emotions take over from that point on and it hurts because I don't feel like I will physically ever we enough for him or what he truly wants/desires. While we were on and off talking, he gave me the hair salon treatment and when he was done I felt like I wasn't 100 anymore.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “15 Brilliant Ways To Go About Dealing With Difficult People”, in this episode, we learn 15 brilliant ways to go about dealing with difficult people. Remember, be thankful for all the difficult people in your life. They have shown you exactly who you don't want to be.

    This morning, during our walk we listened to "Shift Into a Powerful Mindset at Any Time, in Any Situation" an interview with David Bayer, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. David Bayer has made it his life’s mission to help people actually unwind their limiting beliefs. He believes that the personal growth and self-help industry have done a great job of leading people to self-awareness, but being aware of limiting beliefs and actually knowing how to unwind them are two very different things. During this conversation, we learn how we can change the habitual methods of thinking that we are addicted to, how beliefs are formed and how beliefs trap people, how to unwind limiting beliefs, what causes people to regress are thoughts that are simply untrue, how at any given time, you are only paying attention to what you believe, he explains how to use visualization to figure out what you really want, he shares his story of overcoming addiction, and he describes the exact steps necessary to shift into a powerful state. It was a good one, his theories and concepts make sense, if you can access your rational mind faster than your trigger hits and takes over, I am not sure if that is possible.

    When we got home, we got our girls ready for their surprise! since their birthdays are two days apart, I booked them a special Descendants Glam Party. My little one (and big one too) have been obsessed with the movies and all of the songs. They both loved meeting Mal and Evie! who then did their makeup, hair, and nails! they sang songs together and had a pizza party too. The whole time they all kept shouting happy birthday, both our girls felt so special and really enjoyed themselves and we loved how happy and excited they were. I had to fight some huge triggers (moms that were in there too). It was very challenging but somehow I managed to still remain present and pull myself back in with various distractions, I had to for the sake of our girls. On the one hand, it did feel good that Wade was the only dad there and active, present and enjoying the whole event - unlike in the past. He was just as happy as I was that the girls loved the surprise. I don't know if he had any slips there, but I definitely had triggers and I hate having to constantly worry that he can see us side by side which easily reminds him of everything I am not, everything I will never be and how much more "appealing" he finds them. He told me that no one 'bothered' him there, but I saw them, so... I doubt that. Anyway, overall it was an awesome day for our girls and that is the most important part.

    Tomorrow we leave for our cruise, my stomach is in knots and I do not know what to expect. All my work on trying to be excited, upbeat and positive ... well, I'd say 70% of that has turned back towards the negative end... I'm scared that there will be a heap of triggers and I will not be able to enjoy myself because all I will be concerned about is "what is he thinking?" "Does he want her?" "Is he trying to control himself because that's who he really wants"... when my mind goes there, it is difficult to be "happy" and "calm". I'm constantly having to pull myself back and doing that, all the time is really exhausting. I hope I am wrong and everything will be fine, but I just don't think it will be the case.

    Because we will be out at sea, my journal will be on hold, instead, I will be writing daily there and then combine it all for an update to post here, when we are back.

    Bon Voyage!

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: The joy I felt watching my girls react to their surprise.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care
    15 Ways Intelligent People Deal With Difficult and Toxic People


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    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

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  5. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 636-644: 10/27-11/03/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Vacation.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    This is going to be a compilation of my daily mini-journals from my week on our cruise vacation:

    10/27/2019:
    This morning I felt better after the talk Wade and I had the night before. We were on the way to the cruise terminal and I felt my anxiety of all of the uncertainty rising. However, I am happy to report that today, my little one's 5th birthday and the first day of our cruise was actually a good day. There were some minor triggers and some Wade thought were going to be big ones but for some reason I didn't react to them, I felt some were 'meh' but he said he would have ogled them before. Anyway, the whole day and night Wade kept showering me with kisses, sweet talk and expressing to me how grateful and happy he feels to be here with me. The crazy thing is both of us got this weird eerie feeling because this ship is practically a clone of one of our worst cruises before recovery. It's a bit surreal but regardless, today was actually, unbelievably a good day.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    Bypassed minor triggers and started the cruise on a good note

    10/28/2019:
    Today, was another good day, of course not without minor triggers but those passed quickly. The highlight of today was the lovely (and super filling) dinner we had at their Brazilian Restaurant on board. Both of us ate way too much lol! The food wasn't the big highlight though, it was our talk and we were both in such a good place, enjoying each other's company that we couldn't help smiling a ton and laughing so much and so hard that his cheeks began to hurt and I kept tearing up (happy tears). It was awesome.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    How liberating/freeing it felt to actually enjoy ourselves without triggers.

    10/29/2019:
    Today, while everyone else went out to port, we decided to hang back and have a family day poolside. All of us had a good time and I didn't have any major triggers. Wade got to go on some crazy slides with our eldest and I played with our little one in the kid's area. It was time well spent and nice.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    Went poolside - didn't get triggered!

    10/30/2019:
    Today, we went to the ship's private island and this one is the worst due to the crazy amount of Rick's in the sand, water, etc. Anyway, the wait to get on the tender boat was horrific too. We made the best out of the beach experience. The girls had fun playing in the sand, swimming and creating at with the sand art kit I got them. There were a few moderate triggers there, but luckily between the kids and my parents, there were a lot of distractions.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    How this Swimsuit fits/looks on me.

    10/31/2019:
    Today, we went to our favorite beach in Nassau Bahamas, Blue Lagoon. It's a small beach with minimal rocks, soft sand, and some shade. Not to mention you can take family photos with dolphins for $40, cheaper than swimming with them (and 14 other people for 5 mins each). When we first got to the beach there weren't too many triggers for me, I initially thought one was but turns out it was a young teen dressed like she was 21+, which eased my trigger. There were a few others that to me were 'meh' in my opinion but I know Wade would have had his eyes on them in the past, regardless. I thought at one point I saw him struggling not to 'slip' when he was in the water but he claims he doesn't know who I am referring to. He did say he had a lot of slips because it's a beach and people are everywhere... However, there were guys there too and somehow I manage to not 'slip' on anyone. Aside from all that we actually spent hours more there than usual and had some fun family time.

    Later in the evening we all got dolled up for Halloween. Wade and I were out of the 1920's era and our girls were Disney. We did some family activities, collected some candy and had some fun. During dinner, Wade and I spoke about our day and he, of course, was full of compliments towards me. I still can't get used to so much attention from him, especially on this ship, it's such a surreal experience.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    Feeling good about the compliments I was getting about my costume.

    11/01/2019:
    Today, overall it was a good day, only one incident in the evening, Wade was at the casino. I stood with him as long as I could before my feet got tied. Then I went to sit and listen to a live concert. Everything was okay until the singers began singing a love song. I felt this weird gut feeling, then it hit me, in this replica ship... I began remembering being in this exact position, pre-recovery. The night when I felt so alone after listening to songs myself, eventually getting tired of seeing other couples enjoying each other, I left and went up to the top deck where depressing thoughts took over. I know my situation is different right now, but the feeling is not good, kind of triggering. When he did come there I told him about it.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    Figuring out I was in the middle of a situational trigger and not having it escalate and ruin my mood.

    11/02/2019:
    Today, was a really relaxing day. We spent most of the time packing and tying up loose ends. We had a great lunch where our eldest came up with a fun game to play while we wait for our food. For dinner we decided to go back to the steakhouse because it was delicious, it was just the two of us. We had some small talk and also shared our reflections about the week.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    No triggers!

    11/03/2019:
    We arrived back home and it seems like that's when the fun end, quite abruptly I might add. A lot of small unpleasantries occurred, nothing recovery-related but just life. Anyway, so my summary of the cruise is that is was nothing like I was worried and getting myself amped up about. Wade, really put me as a priority and I felt that, even on days where there were some minor triggers here and there. I would have to say that by far, this has been the best cruise/vacation we had since, well, ever. This even tops last year's trip, we were so connected with each other and it seemed like we did everything together besides bathroom breaks. We felt like a real couple in love and for once we both felt like we were connected as a family with our girls. I can't say that I won't get anxious before another trip 'anymore' but after this one, I actually want to go on another one if money permits.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Happy that the cruise was a success.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care
    Try These Mindset Hacks to Find Your Passion and Conquer Your Goals


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    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 645: 11/04/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Morning Walk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we did not talk, we watched some Netflix and he gave me a foot rub, it felt so good - I did miss them! especially after so much walking.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “5 Helpful Tips On When It’s Time To Cut A Toxic Family Member Out Of Your Life”, in this episode, we get 5 tips on when it's time to cut a toxic family member out of your life. 1. When it becomes abusive, 2. When the relationship has become one-sided, 3. When it starts to affect your health, 4. When it gives you negative feelings, and 5. When it affects other areas of your life. Remember, the people in your life either drain your energy, or they help to inspire you so that you have more. That is why you must choose carefully.

    This morning, it was really cold but we decided to walk locally, which meant outside because we just had so much that needed to get done. During our walk, we began listening to "How to Transform Your Brain, Overcome Trauma, and Live in the Moment" an interview with Jason Silva, on Conversations with Tom Bilyeu. Jason is a Venezuelan American television personality, filmmaker, futurist, philosopher, and public speaker. He is known for hosting National Geographic documentaries: Brain Games and Origins. This is the first episode of Conversations with Tom Bilyeu, a new format and this conversation lasted about two hours, so we did not get through the whole thing. So far Tom discussed why he wanted to start a new format, Jason talks about ego and watching someone else shine, mirroring, comparing and leaving a constrained world, then Tom violently disagrees with the idea that it’s enough to impact one person, Jason advocates being ok with failure, they discuss mental health, personal crises, and excessive self-consciousness, how the ego becomes calcified, how “accepting limitations is liberation”, Tom advocates just picking something if you can’t find your passion, Jason talks about minimizing future regret, the importance of being able to make good snap decisions, and how psychedelic drugs are treating PTSD. His explanation about triggers, trauma, and PTSD was familiar ground for me and I found it very relatable, especially after this cruise. His concept of being present in the current, rather than staying in the trauma allows for new experiences and memories to be made and slowly replace the negative ones. Which is how I feel now, after this vacation.

    Then we were able to get done a whole host of to-do's that we had to get done today and it felt good that we were able to get it done.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Getting so much done in a day.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care
    When To Cut Toxic Family Members From Your Life


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    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  7. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 646: 11/05/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Morning Walk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, Wade really spoiled me with a backrub followed by a foot rub and yes it feels fantastic and relieves my pain, however, I feel like I don't deserve it. During the massage, he told me that he feels like our crazy intense connection from the cruise had some sort of a drop-off and he is not sure why. I told him that yes, it does not feel as intense but I think it's because reality/a reality check has set in. He really hates that terminology though, when people refer to something as "the real world" versus anything else, but not for nothing, it's the truth. What I mean by "reality set in" is as soon as we got back home, the hustle and bustle began, rushing to get the kids ready for school, running errands, getting from point A to point B and hoping to relax somewhere in between. On the cruise, especially this one, all we had to worry about was dropping the kids off at kids club asap and what to wear for our daily dinner dates. Not to mention, I wasn't feeling too well and when I am in pain, I tend to crawl into my shell.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Ensure That You’ll Follow Through When Making Changes In Your Life”, in this episode, we learn how to follow through when making changes in your life. Remember, every new day is a chance to change your life.

    This morning, we finished listening to "How to Transform Your Brain, Overcome Trauma, and Live in the Moment" an interview with Jason Silva, on Conversations with Tom Bilyeu. Jason is a Venezuelan American television personality, filmmaker, futurist, philosopher, and public speaker. The rest of their conversation covered topics like Jason explains how he approaches learning, he describes how we miss beauty and wonder, they discuss storytelling, Tom discusses emotions and the body, Jason describes how movie theaters increase people’s reactivity, and Jason talks about how much he enjoys just being able to talk off the cuff. Then we took our little one to the mall where Wade and she played while I walked. As I walked, I wanted to decompress, so I just listened to music.

    The rest of the day was just lazy, I'm going to be sad and lonely when Wade returns to work and I have to get used to all that again, sigh.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: No significant triggers today.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Tony Robbins - How To Believe In Yourself


    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  8. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 647: 11/06/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Morning Walk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we did not talk, we watched some TV and he spoiled me again with another double whammy, foot rub followed by a backrub, I keep wondering what I did to deserve this, but I am grateful for it, it helps my nerve pain so much.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Master Your Mindset And Why You Must Do It”, in this episode, John Assaraf talks about how to master your mindset, and why it's important that you do so. Remember, if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

    This morning, Wade had PT so I walked alone. While I walked, I listened to "Try These Tips for Better Holistic Health" an interview with Will Cole, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Dr. Will Cole believes we are living through a crisis of chronic inflammation, and that it affects every aspect of physical and mental health. During this interview, he explains the wide range of issues that cause inflammation, from sugar and pesticides to mental baggage and past traumas. He also describes excessive, chronic inflammation as the disease, the most common causes of chronic inflammation, especially food, he talks about what to do when you are not resistant to sugar and carbs, he explains what makes a ketogenic diet beneficial, he describes self-sabotage, how baggage and trauma harms their diet, he explains why he migrated away from being vegan, the benefits of intermittent fasting and why he advocates cutting sugar out. Everyone knows sugar is evil, but it is so difficult to cut it out man, it's in everything; well - everything good!

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Felt a bit of guilt and shame about a minor issue with my parents this morning, talking to Wade helped me feel better.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    "CONSISTENCY Makes You SUCCESSFUL!"


    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  9. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 648: 11/07/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Morning Walk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we spoke about my dad's fender bender, after dropping me off for my walk. How I called it when I told Wade my mom would find a way to place the blame on me, even if I wasn't even near the car when it happened. We both ranted for a bit and then just talked about various topics. Afterward, we went to finish watching The Walking Dead while he gave me a soothing foot rub. I was passing out, so we just went back to the bed to cuddle a bit.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Punch Fear In The Face”, in this episode, Freddy Fri gives his weekly motivational segment where he explains that you can overcome fear and achieve next-level success in any area of your life. Remember, do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.

    This morning, Wade had to work so I walked alone again. While I walked, I listened to "Too much sex during recovery from porn addiction?" a podcast by recovering PA/mentor Noah B.E. Church. This was an interesting one and I feel like he talked about a common question that pops up on the forums here, from both PA's and SO's. He received a question and tries to respond and explain his way through the answer as best as he can. He responds to a guy who has had some success in his recovery journey. He realized two years ago how harmful pornography had been to him, he has been completely porn-free for as long as 90 days at a time, and he has met the woman of his dreams and enjoys frequent and satisfying sex with her. However, recently he has found that his enjoyment of sex with his girlfriend has gone down but his urges for porn and porn fantasy have returned. In fact, he just ended his 90-day streak with a relapse. One of his points was that frequent orgasm--even during real sex--can lead to desensitization and escalation of the addiction. He offers two solutions, the first way is simply to have sex as normal but be willing to end the encounter without orgasm when it doesn’t feel easy to climax. The second path is called karezza, a style of lovemaking that is entirely without orgasm for both partners in the relationship. In my opinion, I think Noah missed a huge point in his response to the guy who wrote in. Yes, perhaps frequent 'release' could cause him to get bored and want something else, but daydreaming or having porn fantasies while with his partner says something entirely different to me. If he is having a lot of sex with his girlfriend and finding the need to fantasize about porn scenes midway to get him to climax, that means he is using her as a P-SUB and not actually having sex with her for the right reasons, therefore he is missing one huge part of recovery when in a relationship - true connection and intimacy with his partner, when you have that - sex becomes so connected, so intense, so phenomenal, that you would never need a porn fantasy to reach climax, because that shared experience with your partner is such a high when you are in REAL recovery at least.

    The rest of the morning I spent manning the phones for my parents dealing with medical crap, when I finally got some time to myself I worked on some of our cruise photos.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Lost 2lbs from my cruise gain, woot!:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Punch Fear In The Face | Freddy Fri


    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  10. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 649: 11/08/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Surprising my Girls.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we talked about what he listened to during his work hours and then what I listened to during my morning walk. We also covered some general topics, before going to the living room to watch some TV and he also gave me a nice foot rub.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Deal With Criticism”, in this episode, we get 10 days on how to deal with criticism, 1. Understand Your Why, 2. Expect To Be Attacked For Taking A Stand, 3. Consider It A Rite Of Passage, 4. Are They Right? 5. It's Not Me, It's You, 6. Are They Qualified To Criticize? 7. Understand Their Point Of View, 8. Respond On Your Terms, 9. Insulate Yourself, and 10. You Can Choose How To React. Remember, be yourself, people don't have to like you, and you don't have to care.

    This morning, I stayed in because we planned to surprise our girls this evening. While I worked on our cruise pictures I listened to "Relationships, Fear, and Doing What You Love" an interview with David Walton, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. David Walton is an actor who rose to prominence on television and is well known for his role in the comedy series “New Girl” and for his character Will Freeman on the successful series “About a Boy.” This was an insightful interview, during this discussion they touch on the effects of alcohol on our behavior, why the destructive forces of shame and guilt are so powerful, why we all want to feel loved, how to confront your partner or spouse in a relationship, how to make it through the challenges of an acting career, the importance of dealing with your fears. One of my favorite exchanges was when Lewis was talking about getting triggered during a conversation with his girlfriend, how he has trained himself to smile in those moments, which causes her to ask why he is smiling, he tells her he loves her and they both laugh, taking him out of his trigger and changing the tone of his mood. David chimes in with a very wise and important point at around 25:45, "would you ever tell her that something had been triggered? ... because if you just smile and say I love you and then never have that conversation that means you've just buried something". Which Wade and I have learned means: resentment will follow down the line. Actually the whole marriage/relationship conversation from that point was great in my opinion.

    In the evening we decided to surprise our girls; well, especially the little one by taking them to the annual tree lighting ceremony at the mall. They featured Santa, Mrs. Claus as well as Queen Elsa, Princess Anna, Kristoff, and Olaf too. Of course, they all had a good time, while we also got our photos with Santa out of the way for the season. The place was jam-packed, so of course, there were triggers there, I tried to remain as present as possible. Wade was showering me with compliments, but I can't help but wonder if it was an attempted to draw my attention away from the other women. Anyway, the most important part was that the kids had a good time and that makes us both happy these days.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Remained present, even though I got triggered.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    How To Deal With Criticism


    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  11. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 650: 11/09/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Music.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we spoke for a bit about the videos he listened to and a few other topics. Then he gave me a foot rub before heading out to work.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Live A Simple And Peaceful Life”, in this episode, we get some advice from Dr. Wayne Dyer on how to live a simple and peaceful life. Remember, when your cup is full stop pouring.

    This morning, Wade told me about an awesome interview he listened to overnight of Eva Longoria on Jay Shetty's show. Then during our walk, we began listening to "Speaking Your Truth" an interview with Sophia Bush, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Sophia Bush starred as Brooke Davis in The WB/CW drama series One Tree Hill and as Det. Erin Lindsay in the NBC police procedural drama series Chicago P.D. Sophia consistently uses her platform for activism and fundraising and has a new podcast called Work in Progress. Sophia stood up for herself before the Me Too Movement began by quitting a television show where she was being mistreated. She shares her struggle to admit that something was wrong and the tricks her mind played on her in the process. So far during this interesting exchange, we hear about the scary side of acting, the importance of opening up about what you’re ashamed of, how people are taught it's not okay to be emotional or vulnerable, the struggle Sophia had with quitting her toxic work environment. For the most part, I felt good, connected and happy during our morning/walk. Then it happened, he wanted to get himself a black coffee... I'm not sure why he wanted to get one at Dunkin, when we were literally just at B&N waiting for an order and he could have gotten one there, but anyway, as we were making our way there I quickly noticed a threat standing by the cashier and I knew immediately that he would not be able to resist "slipping" on her, and just as I predicted, he proved me right within seconds of getting behind her, his eyes immediately bounced right onto her ginormous ass [his favorite sort, nothing I can match up to, ever] and then, of course, since it was done right in front of me (oh! so many fond memories :rolleyes:) many excuses followed... why it didn't mean anything, how it is just a reflex, old habits die hard blah blah, etc. To me that 'instinct' only means one thing, other than the obvious disrespect towards me in general (just like before) but that even with me standing right next to him, after telling me how "lucky" he feels, how "happy" he is, how "beautiful" he thought I was... if the right kind of ass is placed in front of him, none of that shit means anything because his actions speak much louder than any of his words because that's when his 'instinct' and TRUE feelings come through. So, obviously none of those things he "feels" towards me is comparable or strong enough to stop his "reflex" of looking at other women. No amount of sorry's or excuses can make it better, because actions speak volumes. Yes, on the cruise, where there weren't too many 'threats' and the vibe was different, more relaxed, things felt much better, but after what I witnessed today, I felt a shift again and not in a good way, I was forced to remember that I need to stop getting too comfortable/content and happy, because every time that happens, reality smacks me in the face and reminds me that this is my actual truth. That no matter how good it feels, that 5-10% will always be there and it will never go away, I am stuck with that uncertainty forever. My hard cold truth is, I must get used to finding some sort of assinine justification for my husband when he "accidentally" looks at other women's asses, tits or whatever because "he's getting over a bad habit" like it's sugar or smoking. You know, until he unlearns to stop instinctually looking at them - but what if he never stops 'slipping', then how will he ever unlearn that????????? he does it all the time "instinctually" towards everyone as he has admitted many times. What if it's instinct because that's what he WANTS and desires? therefore he can not help himself no matter how much he tries to convince himself otherwise? Because that's my theory, he can't stop because his body reacts to what it wants, like a dog who wags his tail when there's a treat in front of it. Unfortunately, this habit, in particular, is what has progressively destroyed me over the years, so I can not give him a pass on it. Every time I personally call it in my head and then get proven right, a piece of my heart gets ripped apart just as well as another checkmark gets marked off in my "yep, I'm not what he wants" list. I wish I could go back to the days where I didn't feel anything anymore when he ogled, it was easier to deal with.

    I'm trying to not be reactive or snappy with my kids, but damn, it is not easy when I'm so depressed and triggered.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Not completely shutting down, when that was the only thing I wanted to do.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Wayne Dyer - Freedom to be Yourself


    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 651: 11/10/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Morning Walk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we spoke about the incident from earlier in the day "his slip". He said he read my journal and it made him emotional and sad but understands that it is due to his own actions. He told me his side of it again, how none of these women "do anything" for him, even when he does slip, it's just muscle memory and he is trying to unlearn years of it, etc. I get it and can even empathize with where he is coming from, but it does not take away from how those actions earlier in the day affected me on many levels. It was equivalent to having a knife in your hands, walking around with it and giving me a cut on accident. You can say sorry, that it was a mistake, but it still happened and can not be taken back - a cut is a cut, it will bleed, it will hurt and sometimes it may even leave a scar (as these incidents had over the years). Anyway, afterward, he told me that he wanted to give me a massage, even if I may take it as if he is trying to butter me up for what happened, so he did it and it felt good after all the hours of working on pictures I put in.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Answering The Billion Dollar Question: What Do I Really Want?”, in this episode, you're encouraged to ask yourself "what do I really want?" Because the answer to this question will lead you to know what you should be pursuing. Remember, you get what you focus on. So focus on what you want, not on what you don't want.

    This morning, during our walk, we finished listening to "Speaking Your Truth" an interview with Sophia Bush, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Sophia Bush starred as Brooke Davis in The WB/CW drama series One Tree Hill and as Det. Erin Lindsay in the NBC police procedural drama series Chicago P.D. The closing of this interview was great and opened up a lot of discussion for us. I decided to look up what happened to her, why she left her show and it was because of consistent sexual harassment and a toxic work environment. This is a good article about her departure: Sophia Bush says she was assaulted in a room full of men, explains why she left ‘Chicago P.D.’. Once we were approaching home, he asked me how I was feeling... about the 'other stuff', he meant the issue from yesterday. I told him the truth, it's still there, it still hurts and feels like someone stabbed me, but I'm just trying not to think about it because when I don't, it's easier to go about my day...

    This afternoon his parents are coming... that should be entertaining.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: No triggers today.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    What do I really want? | Nicole Greer


    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  13. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 652: 11/11/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Talking.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we didn't talk much. We watched some TV while he gave me a foot rub, but it was on and off because our little one came down with something, we felt bad because there was nothing we could do to help her.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Develop More Positive Habits So You Can Have A Happier Life", in this episode, we learn how to develop more positive habits. Remember, you'll never change your life until you change something you do daily. You are what you repeatedly do.

    This morning, we listened to "Tony Robbins: How To Attract A Loving Relationship" which is a compilation of his and his wife's relationship advice. Where he, of course, made some really good points, especially about how all most women need/want is for a man to be 100% present and honest for them at all times. I really enjoyed this short but educational video/sound byte. Then we decided to take our little one to the mall so she could run around a little because she felt better. When we were coming up the escalator I noticed that the indoor playground had a line going way out the door and I said it's packed, implying that perhaps it was a bad idea for them to go (I'd be walking on my own regardless). As we got a little closer to the line and I saw it was full of threats/triggers aka eye candy for Wade, I again brought up that perhaps they should go elsewhere, but he insisted and said it was fine. So, as I was walking away, I said out loud "Oh, I bet it's fine" or "I know why you want to go" or something along those sarcastic lines, making it clear that he understood that I understood exactly why he was more than happy to wait forever to get inside that overcrowded place... because the reward for him would be so worth it: eye candy galore. After he heard my remark, he suddenly changed his mind and decided to go somewhere else. I left for my walk, he began trying to talk to me, first by phone which I ignored and told him on text that I don't feel like talking to him ... so then he began texting me. We had an exchange that lasted my whole walk, so I couldn't really distract myself from oncoming triggers or the rage that was ongoing within me. I told him exactly how his actions (what I perceive as pure instinctual intentions) show me a lot more than any words ever can. He defended himself and of course, his words these days sound great, I want to believe him, it's extremely pleasant to hear and the kinds of things being said, well, any woman would want to hear. However, when I hear things like how beautiful I am, how lucky you are to have me... then 10 minutes later, while you are holding my hand walking up to a Dunkin kiosk I WATCH your eyes focus in at another woman's ass... then look up asap and not say a word until I say "REALLY?!"... which triggers an onslaught of sorry's and excuses... how else am I supposed to interpret that? or when there are a bunch of hot moms lined up buffet style and I'm suggesting you go elsewhere, but you still insist on staying... what else am I suppose to think? that's why I am having such a difficult time these days distinguishing my own reality and whether or not I could trust my own feelings, what if I've convinced myself again? because I know I did do so, of many different things throughout the years just to make my shitty reality seem less ugly than it truly was. What's to say I didn't buy into this dream fantasy I put in my head for instance on the cruise, what if that shift I felt was nothing more than wishful/hopeful thinking that I confused for something else? it felt so real but what if I was just living in momentary happiness because I wanted to believe in it so badly... I don't know anymore and that's terrifying me. It's what I was trying to explain to him, it just can not be both ways, not in my opinion. He can not be so 'into' me and obviously lose his shit when they are around, like 'slipping' right in front of me or being so mesmerized by them that he ignores what I am suggesting aka warning him about... just because his mission is to get inside to be around that many primes, so he loses all of his other senses, especially the common one.

    Like, when it's good, it's really good and it feels so real, unreal sometimes - it's like he's is someone else altogether. The things he says melt my heart, the cute stuff he does and effort he puts it, none of it goes unnoticed by me but when those past behaviors creep back up, they serve as a cold hard reminder, a wake up call - quite literally that just below the surface, that guy who hurt me so badly is still in there and all it takes is something/someone to trigger him to come back out and I don't want to be a fool like I had been in the past, I don't want my heart to get ripped apart again, I don't want to go around avoiding/ignoring red flags because "being hopeful is better!" and it is super scary when I don't know what to believe anymore, I don't think I trust myself, honestly. Look, I want to be hopeful, but at the end of the day, I'm not in his head, only he is and that's where the real truth is. The only thing I have to rely on is his actions sometimes they do show me that I am the world like on the cruise, but other times they just don't match up with the words that he is expressing to me. It's also difficult to believe that someone's preferences could be bottled up for too long without bursting eventually. This is why I believe he still acts out (slipping and etc) because his instincts want/prefer someone, something else and I don't think that can ever truly be suppressed, not totally.

    When we met up, we continued talking and getting both our points out and across and I guess it helped, better than bottling up of course. Although I didn't feel like talking much, we were both in a better place after. I was still triggered, but because it is Veterans Day, we decided to take the kids out to dinner (Wade's a Vet). Luckily my trigger was waiting tables on the other side, but I did see her pass a few times, I was already triggered from earlier in the day, so it didn't affect me as much though, I guess I just ran out of mental energy.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: I voiced what I was feeling instead of keeping it inside.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    HABITS TO START DOING TODAY


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    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  14. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 653: 11/12/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Morning Walk.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, I didn't think we had much more to discuss, so I figured we should just go and watch some TV, but Wade insisted we talk anyway. He is more of a talker than I am, under any circumstance - good or bad. I love him for that, for being not just his own strength when I am triggered, but for carrying both of us through until I calm down enough to be coherent. We spoke about our morning, elaborating about how I felt, why I felt that way and my understanding of all that occurred and then he shared his take on it. After we went to watch some TV.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Use Affirmations Properly So They Help You To Grow", in this episode, we get some great tips on how to use affirmations properly so they help you grow. Remember, you become what you think about.

    This morning, I wasn't feeling too well to walk, so I went with Wade to his doctor's appointment. On the way there and as we drove around running errands after, we listened to "Tom Bilyeu - Why Success Doesn’t Matter". A really good talk where he really hones in on the point that what you tell yourself is what sets you on the path you are on. What you get comfortable with, you'll get adapted to it and find it acceptable. He said "even addicts eventually adapt to their way of life" and that is so true. He makes so many good points that I would do him a disservice by chopping them up into bits here, I highly recommend everyone spends the full 45 minutes and listens to him here. One of the biggest points he was trying to drive home was: "your life is the exact reflection of the choices you have made. Love your life? great you've made awesome choices. Hate your life? I'm sorry you've made bad choices but the good news is you're in control." Then during the Q&A segment, someone asked him about happiness and how to sustain it, his answer was so deep and thought-provoking, he said "here's the thing about happiness, happiness is by nature transient happiness is also a neurochemical state and for me to get out from under my brain I finally had to understand that neurochemistry is fickle and it changes from one minute to the next in fact who's ever had a day in the same day where you thought I'm so fucking amazing like this shit is crazy for real are other people this good at anything like I'm the shit and then I'm not joking forty minutes later you're like oh fuck man I am spastic I can't believe I'm never gonna succeed like this is a joke I'm a total piece of shit who's ever been there alright that's essentially universal hands in the air so just know the next time that you have one of those down moments remember everybody else is feeling that the joke is on all of us we're all feeling it but we think we're the only ones so we hide it so we get these loops about happiness look happiness comes and goes it's super transient you're gonna feel it one minute you're not gonna feel it the next that is the nature of things burn that notion into your head that is the nature of things all right well if I know that it's there if I know that it's predictable then I'm not gonna let it whip me into a frenzy I know that as I'm sure Mr. J Shetty would say this too shall pass learn that phrase and learn it well this too shall pass the highs will pass the lows will pass so don't focus on happiness it's too transient focus on fulfillment, fulfillment is defined very simply you work very hard for a set of skills that have meaning to you you care about them in and of themselves and those skills that you have worked so hard to obtain they allow you to serve not only yourself but others that's the key to making this highly social animal fulfilled and to have something that sustains a time fulfilment is born of suffering it's born of doing the hard things so even in those dark moments you can see beauty you can experience the joy of being alive you can experience the joy of having loved ones because it endures fulfillment in doors now you're not gonna feel the neurochemical high of it all the time but when you look inward and ask yourself am i busting my ass to serve not only myself but others if the answer is yes it's really hard to keep feeling badly about yourself focus on fulfillment and you will make yourself impervious to the sways that is happiness."

    We had a lot of good moments and chats throughout the morning, there weren't many triggers in Costco, which is a good thing as I needed to decompress after the last few days I've had.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: No major issues today, which I am happy about, I needed the break.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    This Will Help You To Relieve and Manage Your Stress BETTER


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    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  15. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 654: 11/13/2019

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    • My husband has been honest with me.
    • Daily talk with my husband.
    • Worked on Self-Care as defined here.
    • Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
    • Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
    1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.


    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Self-care.
    2) Healing.
    3) Morning Silence.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we did not talk, we watched some tv and then he had to go to work. No matter how tense things get these days, I hate when he has to leave for work, I rather have him in bed with me.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Be More Resilient", in this episode, we learn how to be more resilient from our friend Isaiah Hankel. Remember, greatness is not achieved inside your comfort zone.

    This morning, my parents came in with the good news that my persistent calling on their behalf made a difference and is now an early Christmas present for them. I did a bit of tip researching for a *possible next vacation, yes I know we just got back from one, but a girl is allowed to daydream. Then, I also began doing some research on really tightening our belts financially this year, we've gotten ahead of ourselves again somehow and we need to rein it in for 2020. I am digging into how we can combine some streaming plans and maybe get rid of others, in any event, I felt accomplished even if I didn't get a chance to work due to the frigid weather, Wade's PT and being sick too. Our eldest came home from school almost as soon as we dropped her off there, she had a minor incident at her first period gym class that she could have waited out and felt better within minutes, but she preferred to come home and I said it was okay.

    FYI, being on hold with Disney+ for over 2 hours, until I hung up because I lost my shit -- well, it wasn't my best moment.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: I was sick and lazy all day, no I didn't really "like" all that, but I liked that I didn't shame myself for it.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Mike Tyson - "ACCEPT WHO YOU ARE"


    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
    4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |

    ---------------------------------------------------
     

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