Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

At least they kept it real haha.

 

DAY 781: 03/19/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Tablets.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, Wade gave me a back rub, it felt good, my back has been on the fritz for a long while now, worse than usual - it could be the stress of everything; between all of these life changes due to the coronavirus and my triggers. Then we watched Hunters, the story is phenomenal.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Power and Importance of Self-Love And Gratitude", in this episode, our good friend Freddy Fri talks with us about the power and importance of self-love and gratitude. Remember, if you're searching for that one person who will change your life, take a look in the mirror.

This morning, well - because of rain I couldn't walk, then one and a half hours into homeschooling and I wish I had a way to resign!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and hide somewhere too, OMG. With Wade's shift change for today and then need for sleep before his night shift, I think I will have to be committed by tonight, for real. I can't with these kids and my parents already called telling me they'd be stopping by because they know Wade is out for the day - which will add to the noise and chaos, ugh. I need to breathe and find an invisibility cloak asap, can this day be over already?!

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For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
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What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I didn't shame myself for not being able to walk due to the weather.

#Motivational
Self Love Day

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
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If only!! lol

 

DAY 782: 03/20/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Internet.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he gave me another stress-relieving back rub, it was so soothing. Also, a comforting foot rub as we watched Hunters, what a fascinating show.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Always Do Your Best You Never Know Who's Paying Attention", in this episode, Jim Rohn talks about why you should always do your best. Remember, by helping others we help ourselves.

This morning, another day in the 2020 apocalypse began, the weather was shit so I couldn't walk. Shortly after everyone ate breakfast, it was time for the torture, erm, I mean homeschooling to begin. With my parents coming in and out, driving me up the damn wall with so much noise... even when they knew I was chatting with one of my daughter's teachers, my dad was annoying the shit out of me to look up the population numbers in random countries... like OMGGGGGGGGG. At least, I was able to get my eldest access to her e-learning site, her ELA teacher was super cool and happy about all of the links and suggestions for other sites I gave him. Wade was stuck at work, which sucks in more ways than one. I am going insane, this is definitely not what I pictured I'd be doing on the first day of Spring 2020. It sucks, I hope everyone out there is staying healthy and safe.

The governor of New York says that as of this Sunday, there will essentially be a 'shelter in place' order for the state of New York, until who knows when... I feel like I am stuck in some nightmare like- zombie apocalypse alternate reality, jeez.


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For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I used breathing to calm myself multiple times today.

#Motivational
Personal Development

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 783: 03/21/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we decided to skip our talk because we spoke throughout the day and we also decided that Wade should be wearing a mask from now on when he is around us at home. As much as the kids and I are staying inside and away from others, Wade as a police officer is exposed every day and then bringing that exposure right home to us. So we are going to be mindful of that and take any and all necessary precautions to keep the virus at bay. This is going to be a really difficult transition for us all overall, but it could also cause a potential strain for our relationship, my healing, and his recovery - we are really venturing into the unknown with this and now that we can't even touch or kiss, it could really set us back, I hope not, I hope the connection we've built is strong enough but I just don't know. Hopefully, if we keep talking to each other daily, that will help.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Secret To Creating Your Future Just The Way You Want It", in this episode, Dr. Joe Dispenza explains how creating your future starts with conquering your thoughts. Remember, when you conquer your thoughts you conquer your feelings, which enables you to conquer actions. Conquering your actions will lead you to the future you desire.

This morning, Wade got stuck at work again. However, even though it was freezing, I refused to miss my walk, so I bundled up, double-layered my usual mask and went on my merry way. What a relief, I really needed my nature walk to bring some sense of normalcy back into my life, without my routine I feel way out of balance. During my walk, I listened to "8 Ways to Stay Calm During A Crisis" an interview with Matt Cesaratto, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Matt is Lewis's best friend and co-worker, during this podcast they spend time talking about the coronavirus — not to cause fear and panic but to take a moment to educate us on the virus and the best methods for protection. They believe, and it is true, that there is so much unknown, so much fear, and panic, that it can get really overwhelming. Instead of panicking, they believe we should be focusing on what we can do to prevent the virus from spreading and how we can best respond to the chaos around us. They talk about some practical ways to keep the virus from spreading (wash your hands, disinfect surfaces, increase air ventilation, etc.) All this information comes straight from the CDC website, which is a great resource you can use to educate yourself about the virus rather than just media or news outlets. Then, Lewis gives 8 things that we should do in order to stay calm and be leaders in a time of chaos; and breaks each of them down.

Today, I spent a few minutes breathing, before sitting down and creating a new homeschooling schedule for my kindergartener, off of the long e-mail her teacher sent of things we should be doing with her daily. Just reading that e-mail last night gave me so much anxiety, I never wanted to be a teacher, I'm not cut out for this stuff. Not to mention having to manage my 7th grader's education too because I don't want her falling behind before 8th grade. I swear I am living in some sort of an alternate reality right now, none of this seems real. As of tomorrow, New York is going to be on total lockdown, other than essential people/services... if this is a nightmare, I'd like to wake up - now, please.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Walked today, boosted my mood a lot.

#Motivational
The Choice We All Have, But Only a Few Apply It

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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 784: 03/22/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Drives with Wade.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we watched some TV as he gave me a foot rub. We spent the entire evening kind of 'social distancing' and it has just been weird lol. At least I don't feel disconnected yet, which is a good thing but I love touching, kisses, etc, it's one of my love languages. I really hope this thing passes and soon, not just for our sake but for everyones.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Maximize Your Personal Growth: Things You Must Stop Saying", in this episode, Brendon Burchard shares 4 things you must stop saying to yourself if you want to maximize your personal growth. Remember, you don't have to be great to start, but you have to start in order to become great.

This morning, we began listening to "The Quality Of Your Relationships Determines The Quality Of Your Life" an interview with Esther Perel, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships, she is a Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author. Her celebrated TED talks have garnered more than 20 million views, and she travels the world to speak about love, sex, intimacy, and infidelity. She is the host of the popular podcast Where Should We Begin? in which she conducts therapy sessions with real couples. She made a lot of good points as usual, however, Wade disagreed with her about going for relationships while also working on yourself instead of working on yourself first, before getting into a new relationship. I see both points and I guess it really depends on the person and their situation. There were a few triggers at the supermarket as usual, but I managed them. My fears have gotten worse with this quarantine because I keep thinking the longer I can't keep up with my normal routine, the higher chances of gaining weight, etc., which makes me worried Wade will lose attraction towards me and be more inclined to look at others. Sigh.

Then, when we got home I thought I would just be dealing with my kids and my parents would go to their place. WRONG, instead, I was greeted with my dad talking to one of his Russian friends who claims to be a 'computer expert'. He wanted to "quickly" fix a laptop, that I deemed DOA last time because I tried EVERYTHING, but no, that's not good enough, he wanted to consult an "expert". So, from 12 noon to 3:00 PM, I was on the phone, retrying basically everything I already did before and guess what? nothing was changed or fixed. OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG and to add to my aggravation, my dad kept mumbling/huffing and puffing (while I was on the line)... complaining "Why is this taking so long?" "This is taking forever! he doesn't know what he is doing..." "hang up, he's wasting time for nothing"... THIS WAS HIS IDEA, then he is talking so much crap, loud enough for the guy to hear. Funny thing is, I'm doing all the work, listening to the guy plus him bitching about it all, so who is the one that should be frustrated? Lord have mercy. I need silence, but that is just not going to happen because even after I hung up, they are still here filling my ears and head with nonsense.

I NEED A BREAK - so overwhelmed! :-(

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Minor triggers today, worked through them.

#Motivational
4 DUMB THINGS WE SAY (that prevent our growth)

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 785: 03/23/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) My Creativity.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke on and off throughout the morning and day, this whole social distancing thing with my own husband SUCKS, because he is a cop and can't 'shelter in place' with us, we can't be close without him wearing a mask, so we skipped our nightly talk. We've been skipping a lot of stuff we enjoy... that sparks our intimacy and connection, till... who knows when and that uncertainty is the pits. I hope the connection we've fostered up to now is enough to help us weather these trying and uncertain times...

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Inspiring Message On Getting Through Tough Times In Life", in this episode, we hear an inspiring message on getting through tough times when they come up in your life. Remember, tough times don't last, tough people, do.

This morning, because it suddenly decided to SNOW and again keep me from my walk... I began rethinking, redesigning and reworking the homeschooling effort for my girls since the universe decided I should take up teaching. I also began putting together categorized libraries on YouTube for educational videos, worksheets, etc, damn - this is a huge learning curve for me and Wade. Luckily, Wade decided to stay up today because he is off tonight and helped me with the homeschooling, doing it together sure does make it easier than trying to juggle it all on my own. Then I learned my client never sent his accounting department the invoices for my last two projects, even after telling me he had received them, now it's unclear if I will get the check I was due this month, ugh. I have a feeling this is going to be another long and dragged out day, as I said earlier, I'm just glad I'm not doing it alone today.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
My graphic design skills, making it easier for me to put together schedules and worksheets for this homeschooling thing.

#Motivational
How to Actually Find Your Purpose

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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

Yeah, so far, from those that were allowed to get tested, almost 100 have tested positive here. However, the rule is they need to have 3 symptoms and a doctor's note, or they will immediately be turned away from the testing facility. We have no choice, with the small kids and my parents two doors down and constantly coming over to see the kids. It's frustrating, all of it.

 

DAY 786: 03/24/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Time with Wade.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we laid across from each other and talked a bit. We didn't talk about recovery or our current situation, we decided to go off and vent about politics, this released quite a bit of stress from us both. Then we went to watch "Modern Love" on Amazon Prime, a pretty good show that will definitely give those in relationships something to talk about. Then we went to bed, in separate rooms, sigh, due to this illness.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Keys To Living An Extraordinary Life", in this episode, John Maxwell talks with us about being all you can be and living a truly extraordinary life. Remember, you'll never influence the world by trying to be like it.

This morning, we continued listening to "The Quality Of Your Relationships Determines The Quality Of Your Life" an interview with Esther Perel, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships, she is a Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author. During what we heard, they discussed how many values do you need to have in common with your life partner, what helps us in times of suffering, the 3 ways to make your relationship successful, what to focus on if you are single and looking to be in a relationship and what determines the success of a relationship day to day. As much as we both enjoy Esther and her opinions, some of them we do not agree with, Wade and I both believe that you can want a lot out of your partner, that's okay, expectations are okay - so long as you can adjust them and compromise. If you can do that, both partners will be fulfilled and have no need to seek out fulfillment elsewhere.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Learning to practice patience.

#Motivational
20 Days of Live Meditation with Jay Shetty

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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 787: 03/25/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Getting tested.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, was a frustrating one, to say the least. I inquired whether or not Wade saw a certain post that one of his buddies posted a few days ago because I had a feeling he did and kept it to himself -- and of course, my prediction was right. It was a 'meme' with very a triggering nurse woman on it; the type he used to drool over. Initially, he asked what post, that he wasn't sure, etc, and then I said: "I know you saw it and enjoyed it too". Then his response became "I saw something, but I just scrolled past it". I thought to myself "oh yeah, sure" and then he says "it said something about getting tested three times". So, that exchange confused me and triggered me big time, because at that point he had told me two versions of the same story - which to me, that is playing mind games, purposely misleading/lying and a form of gaslighting. Which was it, did you scroll past it or did you in fact STOP, look at the post long enough to "read" it too? those are two very different things and both of them can not be true. Then he tells me that it's just the way he speaks, he didn't verbalize it correctly and that he is sorry (saying it nonstop) but wants me to know that he didn't enjoy or care about the chick in the photo, he just wanted to really read the meme, it was a mindless, insignificant thing and that's why he didn't even think to mention it, etc. My thoughts? I don't buy it, he saw it, it gave him pause which is why he had to read what it said. I also asked him, if the woman was naked and it was a P picture, but still a meme with text on it, would he stop and read it, would he feel the need to tell me some P popped up on his feed as it had in the past? he said, "of course, that's P" and so I followed up with "how is this different?" this may not be "P" but it is still suggestive and the type of woman he spent over 12 years ogling in front of me, therefore apart of recovery just as much as P is. He agreed and said he didn't think about it like that, he moved on right after that post and didn't care about her, he only cares about me and all that jazz. I believe that because I am out of my routine, my weight is like a roller coaster these days and because of that, just like I had predicted it would happen... when he sees an "innocent and quiet opportunity" to get some visual enjoyment from one of his primes; he goes for it because he is finding me less and less attractive these days, which makes them even more appealing to him. That is what I truly believe because if that wasn't true, he wouldn't have stopped to get more time with that photo and then have an initial thought of telling me he scrolled right past it when that was not true. Anyway, after all, that he told me that he was planning on giving me a back rub "even before this all went down", but I told him I don't want one, I wasn't in the mood for him to see me undressed, especially after having her imagine seared in his head so that I could look like beast comparatively. Then he gave me a foot rub, while we finished watching Modern Love. As much as I have been hating having to sleep in separate rooms [when we are happy and connected] due to possible exposure these days, last night, I was actually relieved because I knew I could do my morning routine in peace, without feeling like he is looking at/noticing my fat and inadequacies compared to the women he prefers to look at.


Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Develop A Great New Attitude", in this episode, Joel Osteen talks about how to develop the new attitude you'll need in order to take your life to the next level. Remember, the problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.

This morning, we went to get tested for Covid-19 because he is a police officer and is constantly exposed, damn, what a painful and uncomfortable test, it felt like someone was poking into my brain from my nostril. On the way there, we continued listening to "The Quality Of Your Relationships Determines The Quality Of Your Life" an interview with Esther Perel, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships, she is a Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author. During what we heard, they discussed why it’s important to acknowledge the good in your co-workers and why you must deal with your own past in order to deal with your relationship problems at work. Both of us agree that her principles about work relationships could really work for any kind of relationship. Then we began listening to "Creating a Life and Legacy That Matters" an interview with Scooter Braun, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Scooter Braun is one of the entertainment industry's biggest power brokers, one of TIME Magazine's 2013 “100 Most Influential People in the World,” Billboard’s 2013 “40 Under 40” headliner, and one of Fast Company's “100 Most Creative People in Business.” He is the founder of SB Projects, a company at the intersection of music, film, television, technology, brands, culture and social good. He also manages stars like Justin Beiber and Ariana Grande. So far, they discussed why Scooter still works so hard after so much success? if he is worried about getting burnt out, is there an achievement that he personally wants, that he hasn’t achieved yet? Scooter’s biggest challenge right now, and his vision for changing the music industry stigmas. So far, it is a good and easy interview to listen to.

Today is flying by really fast, my little one's laptop came and I set her up for learning. This transition has been such a learning curve for us all.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Learning to practice patience.

#Motivational
Selling Yourself Short

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 788: 03/26/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, after talking on and off all day about the incident from the day before, he asked me if it was okay with me; for him to give me a back rub because he really wants to do it. I told him it would be okay, under one condition... he can not mention things like "you're hot, you're beautiful" during, etc., or else my mind will instantly go to "but you still stopped to look at her". He agreed and gave me a really soothing massage and as disconnected as I got due to the incident, those backrubs always make me feel more connected to him. After, we went to watch The Feed (awesome show btw) then went to sleep in separate bedrooms.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Respond When You're Hit With Words That Hurt", in this episode, Freddy Fri talks about the best way to respond when we're hit with words that hurt. Remember, don't ask why someone keeps hurting you, ask why you keep letting them.

This morning, we continued listening to "Creating a Life and Legacy That Matters" an interview with Scooter Braun, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Scooter Braun is one of the entertainment industry's biggest power brokers, one of TIME Magazine's 2013 “100 Most Influential People in the World,” Billboard’s 2013 “40 Under 40” headliner, and one of Fast Company's “100 Most Creative People in Business.” He is the founder of SB Projects, a company at the intersection of music, film, television, technology, brands, culture and social good. During the next part of this interview, they discussed why does Scooter think the recent presidential election was a good thing, why he shared his political opinions so publicly during the 2016 election, where he learned the abundance mindset that has allowed him to create such wealth, what Scooter’s dad taught him about what it means to be rich, what he does to empower his team and the story of how Scooter decided to drop out of college and what he thinks he missed out on. My favorite part was the analogy he made about talking and listening to people in their language; not yours, he made an awesome analogy about computers too. Wade and I are really enjoying this interview.

Another did in quarantine, homeschooling, and thinking of ways to make this who experience less traumatizing, for all of us.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
No triggers today.

#Motivational
Words Will Never Hurt Me

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 789: 03/27/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he gave me a back rub, it was on the fritz - so it was much relief. We spoke a bit during, then he continued to soothe me with a foot rub as we watched The Feed, a show that is so much deeper than it looks. It's weird how even though I'm still nursing a trigger that disconnected me, these massages make me feel more connected to him.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “12 Signs That Indicate You're In A Healthy Relationship", in this episode, we hear 12 signs that indicate you're in a healthy relationship versus a toxic one. Remember, love in such a way that the person you love feels free.

This morning, we finished listening to "Creating a Life and Legacy That Matters" an interview with Scooter Braun, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Scooter Braun is one of the entertainment industry's biggest power brokers, he is the founder of SB Projects, a company at the intersection of music, film, television, technology, brands, culture and social good. During the final part of this interview, they discussed what’s the best part of his life, his definition of masculinity, why he believes super successful people suffer from depression, what he wishes more people knew about him, the one thing he does at the end of every day, and the difference between micro and macro time and how to use them to plan your day. Wade and I were pleasantly surprised with how this interview turned out, we thought it was just going to be a simple one, but Scooter was full of a lot of good insight and wisdom.

Then I had to put on my Teacher hat and the homeschooling fun began, running them on this schedule has been 'fun'... not. I wish I could just go to sleep with Wade and pretend the kids are not at home LOL my head was pounding for hours!

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I felt a little better about myself today.

#Motivational
SHOW ME YOUR FRIENDS AND I'LL SHOW YOU YOUR FUTURE

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 790: 03/28/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he gave me a lovely back rub and foot rub. We continued watching The Feed and as I've been mentioning, it mirrors what we as a society are becoming when it comes to our dependence on technology, etc. Then he went to work and I went to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Your Future Is Being Shaped By The Quality Of Your Friends", in this episode, we're reminded that the quality of your future is being shaped by the quality of your friends. Remember, the quality of your current friends is a great predictor of the quality of your future life.

This morning, my dad came in to sit with the little one so we could go walk. However, unlike when my mom comes over, we always have to waste some time with him... today, he brought over his laptop and wanted to show me something, where he spent the next 10-15 mins repeating himself and completely ignoring what I was saying - that frustrated me. To add insult to mental injury, when my dad moved on to a different topic; aka was going on and on about his panic attack about the Coronavirus numbers going up and what he heard on the news... Wade begins to tell a story about how he had to take off his mask at a certain point at work, but it was okay and began listing reasons why. Then as we were leaving, I had my face covered but Wade didn't, so my dad asked him "you're not wearing a mask?" instead of saying "oops I forgot, let me grab it" he begins to explain why he thinks it's not really necessary. I tried to cut him off and say "it's in the car" but he continued talking anyway until I finally reminded him of all the reasons why, in fact, it was necessary, so he went and got it. All of this just adds on to my dad's paranoia and leads to hours of lectures that I have to endure way after Wade is fast asleep. Learning of Wade's unmasking, even for a little at work, threw me into uncertainty as well, which killed my mood further. Then we finally got to our walk, there were a lot of people out, I was actually surprised and a lot of them were without any sort of protective gear. When there are a lot of people, the chances of those kinds of triggers goes up for me - this time was no different, I was triggered a few times during our walk and it just piled up on top of what I was already feeling, provoking my older trigger that I was weaning off of and it just made everything worse. Not to mention Wade again kept apologizing on the one hand and then, on the other hand, kept explaining/right fighting with his excuses and justifications for what he did at work, it got to the point where I told him to stop repeating himself already. I'm overwhelmed, exhausted, drained and am getting to a point where I feel like tuning myself out and I know how dangerous that is for me, I've been there before and I'm afraid of losing myself there again. I need a break from everything, I need peace and I'm afraid that is just not possible, especially now. Somehow, in between all of the pauses, we managed to begin listening to "The SECRETS To A Healthy Relationship" an interview with Dr. Nicole LePera, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Dr. Nicole LePera is a Holistic Psychologist who believes that mental wellness is for everyone. Dr. LePera views mental and physical struggles from a whole-person perspective and works to identify the underlying physical and emotional causes of pain. She understands that balance is an integral part of wellness, and she empowers individuals to heal themselves, supporting them on their wellness journeys. So far, we heard them discuss the issue with always thinking about what to do next, how do we change a feeling of powerlessness? and how to develop a consistency in practice in the consciousness of action. Although my attention was in and out the whole time, I was not mentally present.

Another day of nonstop noise and finding ways to entertain the kids... while listening to my parent's commentary and complaints, sigh.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I had to handle multiple emotional triggers at once and I did the best that I could.

#Video
Addiction in a time of Coronavirus

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 791: 03/29/2020

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Routine.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, he gave me another back rub, so many days in a row -- I love and appreciate them, they help with a lot of my aches and pains, but I'm so thrown by him doing it so frequently this week. We spoke a bit during and then we watched some more TV before he had to go to work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Developing This Habit Will Make You Unstoppable", in this episode, we hear about the one habit you need to develop if you want to become unstoppable. Remember, starting strong makes you good. Finishing strong makes you epic.

This morning, the weather was shit so we decided to go to the store instead. Before all that, something felt off for some time for me... in regards to Wade and I. It hit its peak for me during the meme incident, but it has been on and off for a while. I told him about this, fighting my instinct to just 'let it go'. Anyway, we spoke about that for a while, I won't go into it, but he knows. Right now I feel overwhelmed, exhausted and just blah - so I'm going to end it here. I have to go occupy the kids.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
For any PA's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things recovery... my husband @Wade W. Wilson, who has been in real recovery for almost two years now, has created a dedicated Facebook group [click here] and Discord channel for PA's, all are welcome to join and he is looking forward to getting to know and helping each of you. You can join the channel by clicking this link: https://discord.gg/gXPuU9q
_______________
For SO's interested in having someone to talk to, check in with and a safe place to talk about all things healing and betrayal trauma... here is my Discord channel: https://discord.gg/XwhaBTg [this channel is for SO's ONLY, anyone there for malicious reasons will be removed].
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Still standing.

#Video
Coronavirus and addiction recovery: Fighting isolation to stay sober

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 | 2/08/20
---------------------------------------------------