Publicly shamed - my online nudes were found out

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by seafaring stranger, Feb 3, 2022.

  1. seafaring stranger

    seafaring stranger Fapstronaut

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    Hi,
    I was just wondering if anyone has had the experience of being publicly shamed or had their online nudes/fetishes discovered?

    I belonged to an online site allowing users to share nude photos and chat etc., essentially an erotic instagram.
    I had been posting there a few years and express some of my kinks/fantasies etc., and post nude pics of myself. It helped me with low sexual confidence and made me feel desired since I feel fairly unattractive IRL. I would often chat with people on the site by DMing them and leaving friendly/flirty + sexual comments on their pics. For me it felt like a sex positive environment and I had some positive experiences there but my use of the site and chats tended toward addiction and sometimes I would compulsively comment people's pics + compulsively engage in chats.

    Anyways, over the past year or so, many situations at work, odd comments, people making suggestive remarks, raised eyebrows etc. have me sure that most if not all my coworkers know about my online anonymous profile. I think I must have been recognised by my clothes perhaps? The particular coworker who discovered my profile (she made the first out of blue remark) already disliked me and so I think has been spreading the rumour around.

    Based on the kinds of comments people have been making I think they may be connected to one occasion when I sent a DM (and I feel guilty about this) where I was still kind/complimentary etc. but that had a fairly explicit and kinky sexual act described, where I had not waited for consent before engaging. (Again, I feel guilty about that, it was a huge error on my part, and I'm really struggling to forgive myself.) Anyway, I'm 99% sure that this was her, due to the nature of comments/rumours about me.

    So now I'm in a position at work where people either ridicule me, or hate me, and I can't even justify or talk about the situation with them because of the nature of it. I don't even know exactly what it is that she's told everybody and I think she may have embellished some parts to increase my embarrassment + shame. Even though I recognise that I screwed up, I can't help but feel she was so gleeful to destroy my reputation at work.

    I'm so ashamed and embarrassed. It's had a huge effect on my work, I can't concentrate + feel guilty all the time. I genuinely spend most of my day battling thoughts of self-harm or suicide. I feel like the most hated employee at what is by-and-large an incredibly friendly workplace. Obviously, I never intended this to happen. My profile was intended as a private space for me to explore my sexuality. I was just doing something in my spare time that I thought would boost my low sexual confidence, I never intended it in any shape or form to cross over with work.

    Also because of me having this sexual profile on the internet, I think people who found out interpret that as me being a full-time pervert like I don't switch off my sexual thoughts etc at the office and that I would think sexual things about coworkers. Obviously that would be gross and disgusting, I would never want to objectify someone at the office or make them feel harassed. But I worry everyone just thinks I'm a complete creep now. And at the same time, I recognise that my unsolicited message to a stranger on the internet, even though in a highly sexual context( a sexting site) was pretty mis-guided.

    How do I move forward? I feel like I've ruined my future. How can I make the situation right now? I keep turning the situation over in my head and just think I'll be alone forever now. Unlikeable, unlovable. I can't ever be successful now, this will just follow me round forever.

    Has anyone else experienced anything similar? How do you deal with it?
     
  2. Reborn66

    Reborn66 Fapstronaut

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    first thing is to keep your head up and stay strong.if someone connected with you on that site "think" what were they doing on there ?
    and as far as you sending them a message prior to consent its a sex site and people get carried away....we all know that on here.
    the people who may be chatting about you will have there own sexual secrets probably and its more shamefull the way they are treating you than what you did.
    stay off porn and build your confidence
    keep your head up and ride it out
     
  3. seafaring stranger

    seafaring stranger Fapstronaut

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    @Reborn66 Thanks, man.
    Yeah, this is what gets to me. Some people went to great lengths to make me feel ashamed. It really harms my confidence. I forgive them of course but it makes me sad knowing people think of me that way. I already create enough of my own shame and suffering.
     
  4. There was one girl at work (cute, but a little mean spirited) who said “plus ten percent” once in the breakroom around me and half a dozen other female coworkers - so naturally I wondered- what if they’ve all been reading my posts here?!? :eek:

    And I have nude photos of myself out there online somewhere (one even made it into a meme)

    There’s not much we can can do about what we’ve done in the past or what others think about us.

    but, we can change how we think about ourselves. Their judgements and their actions will hurt less if you’re not already thinking about yourself as a pervert. It can be really healing to be part of a sex positive community. But what have you done that you are ashamed of. Look at that. And then consider changing that behavior. If you are truly okay with yourself and your sexuality, what the girls at work say will roll off you like water off a duck’s back. :cool:
     
  5. Real Life Survivor

    Real Life Survivor Fapstronaut

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    It is NOT okay for someone to take your personal photos and spread defaming rumors about you at the workplace, that is harassment.

    It’s no one else’s business what you do in your personal time. And understanding that this can happen it’s the nature of those kinds of platforms, you can’t control that. But even those sites usually have laws that forbid the sharing of a private users photos without permission. So what she was doing there IS a good question.

    If she made a dummy account to out you then that’s stalking. You have rights, and unless you’re doing something wrong at work, you have the right to peace of mind at your place of employment.

    If it bothers you too much I’d recommend putting in a formal investigation request or complaint at your work about her, first, before anyone falsifies anything about you, and to initially formally say that you are being intimidated or feel uncomfortable.

    You COULD own up to it mentally. Stay to yourself for a time, which can be nice. Eventually people will get over it if they’re mature. Stranger things are happening on the internet all the time, and this stuff in some ways is albeit still a bit embarrassing but normalized to a degree.

    If you really can’t take it I’d say look for a new job, request to be transferred, request to change locations. You could take it as an opportunity to reinvent yourself make a change in your life. I would be embarrassed too and wouldn’t be able to go on there, but that’s just me. And my dirty AI file has some shit on me too. Lol

    I’m sorry this happened to you. I have a cam problem and have been freaked out before over the possibility of being filmed. I’m always afraid that I’ll find a clip of myself somewhere obscure. I hope you can find some peace of mind.
     
  6. Long Range

    Long Range Fapstronaut

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    I think I can give you some advice on this. First there are laws, rules and codes of conduct in most countries and workplaces against harassment. Harassment, if proven is very serious so if anyone is spreading rumours about you they can get in alot of trouble including termination of employment. The first thing to do in most situations is to let the offending person know that you are offended by what they are doing i.e. spreading rumours and ask them to stop. You also need to permanently stop talking about sex at work. Then delete any online content that you have posted.

    Next you will just have to focuss on your job and interact with your coworkers in a professional manner. After a while this will most likely all blow over in few months and in a year or two and those who know about it will have forgotten about it.

    As a side note, its always best to never talk about sex or politics at work.
     
    seafaring stranger likes this.
  7. seafaring stranger

    seafaring stranger Fapstronaut

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    @+TenPercent Thank you. This part stuck with me. I can only change myself, I can't change what people say about me. So if I know I'm not a pervert and that I've given up PMO + sexting and put my energies into other more creative things, then being thought of as a pervert will hurt me less, as I can be self assured of who I really am.
     
  8. Are you certain people at your work know? How would they possible know it was you? It is possible that you are feeling a lot of guilt or shame over some of your online activity and are now paranoid that people know about your activities. It just seems unlikely, not impossible, but unlikely that a coworker who dislikes you managed to sign up to a sex chat/photo share site and not only found you but engaged with you on it. Actually, you say you were the one who engaged in sex talk, but feel guilty about it, and now you believe that this was someone you work with? Do you not think this is an unlikely thing to happen?

    Was there any direct mention of this by anyone? I think maybe you need to quit these activities online and chill. When you get the guilt that is associated with your addiction under control you may feel different about how you are precieving this situation. (That is of course if people aren't making direct mentions about your activities)
     
  9. seafaring stranger

    seafaring stranger Fapstronaut

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    I don't want to give details... but unfortunately yes, I am certain. People make near enough to direct mentions of it, or reference things that are clearly digs at my online activities. I think I was recognisable by my clothes and my smile in my pics. I am somewhat prone to paranoia, so for a long time I also thought it was unlikely, and that I was just being paranoid but unfortunately for me I am certain now.
     
    WilliamJ.F. and WildPig13 like this.
  10. seafaring stranger

    seafaring stranger Fapstronaut

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    @Real Life Survivor Thanks for your answer, it's validating to hear that you guys and gals support me. It means a lot, I have been intensely unhappy + mentally broken the past week and you're all helping me through it.

    While I agree that the rumour spreading wasn't fair or cool, I also can see it from her perspective - some stranger sends an unsolicited sexual message to you and you look at their profile and it turns out that it's someone from work and they have some weird stuff on their profile... I can see why the rumour spread and yes, it's harassing but I can forgive that. It's just the aftermath of those rumours is really painful for me now.

    I have been thinking about owning up to it so I can apologise and express my regret and sorrow about it, but I'm not sure it will help and I don't want to make the situation worse. Also, I have no idea how I'd even go about that practically. My feeling is just to let sleeping dogs lie and try to forget about it.

    I'm favouring the idea of finding a new job, and moving on. The only problem I can foresee with this is I don't want the problem to follow me through life. If I have more public facing responsibilities in the future, I fear about having my weird shameful behaviours exposed to the world, and being "cancelled" or bringing shame to my family and friends.

    What do you mean by dirty AI file? Lol. I didn't understand.

    And sorry to hear about your struggles with camming chats. I hope you get the same level of caring advice you've given me to help that. I'm not fully there with peace of mind but you have brought me some temporary peace at least, thank you.
     
  11. Real Life Survivor

    Real Life Survivor Fapstronaut

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    Lol I’m just making fun of the fact that I’ve exposed myself on the internet for lack of a better way of saying it and there is always a fear that my data is being stored and saved, all the camming and p searches. My AI file all my dirty internet secrets lol
     
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  12. seafaring stranger

    seafaring stranger Fapstronaut

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    Ahaha, that's a funny way of thinking about it. Yeah, my "AI file" probably isn't too pretty either.
     
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  13. seafaring stranger

    seafaring stranger Fapstronaut

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    @Long Range Hey, thanks man - your comment was really appreciated.

    So yup, I have now deleted my content. The point about talking about sex at work is really true. I have made the mistake of making small innuendos at work before and it never works well and comes across as dirty-minded rather than humorous. I will definitely keep this is mind. Something that's also difficult is I even find myself doubting my choice of words for ordinary things e.g. "I had a hard time yesterday" or "I keep arriving early" etc. because people just hear innuendos everywhere, I don't like to give people the opportunity to laugh at me and make knowing looks.

    Some of my coworkers I have thought about politely asking to not make comments / spread rumours like that and possibly open up about my regret and how I'm mentally struggling, and make a small apology to the person if they were offended by my behaviour. It's just difficult to bring up, and I don't want it to come across wrong.

    I agree about being as professional as possible to indicate I'm a person to be taken seriously. This can be tricky for me sometimes when my mental health gets in the way but it's something I'll work on. Thanks for the advice.
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  14. Reborn66

    Reborn66 Fapstronaut

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    im finding this one of the most interesting posts on here.were mostly here because of our addiction and feel shame because of it .we masterbate for hours on end to pixels on a screen and lots of us act out in shamefull ways but to be caught seems quite rare
    there for the grace of god go the the rest of us .
    build your confidence in any way you can and stop caring so much what these plebs say. time will pass and you will be strong again.
     
  15. Wolf7

    Wolf7 Fapstronaut

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    What did you expect? This is what happens when you who’re out your sexuality with perversions and extreme evil. Who eve posts their naked bodies like that on a random website dude…get control and if it’s possible to remove it do that and move in with life. Maybe this is a wake up call that you’re severely addicted to porn
     
  16. seafaring stranger

    seafaring stranger Fapstronaut

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    True. But don't we all do things in the moment we only regret when it's too late? Obviously this is why I punish myself. Why did I do it? But there's lots of reasons. Generally the site was sex positive - it was fun, validating, exciting, confidence building to be on the site. The fact the site was set up like a social network made it addictive to browse in the same way that reddit/facebook can be. But yes, of course, I think that. How could I have been such an idiot, what did I expect? etc.
    To be honest, posting my own pics was the part of the site I least enjoyed. But in order to chat and make friends there, often people liked to see you had your own posts.
    And genuinely, millions of people do this. What about reddit, Tumblr, etc? Think of all the subreddits people post amateur uploads to. The website I used had millions of users over its lifetime. Tumblr's whole site was fueled by online amateur posts. After the crackdown of sexual content on Tumblr, many people went in search of other ways to post and socialise around nude content. An online friend invited me to this one. The combination of social network, amateur porn, sexting + body positivity on this site made it for me at least an incredibly addictive/validating place to be. I had friends there, who I'd talk with about non-sexual stuff. In fact many of my connections were along these lines. Uninhibited, free from judgement and often only tangentially to do with sex.
    Is it a wake up call? Yeah, of course to some extent. While I still believe that exploring sexuality online like I did can be a positive thing to do for yourself, it's inherently risky, and in my case was pretty addictive.

    In fact porn in general, I am not so addicted to. But sexuality/sexting in an online interactive context, absolutely I'll admit I'm addicted to that. That's why I'm here.
     
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  17. mj48

    mj48 Fapstronaut

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    Your story remind me of octobus mom. A P star turned mother by giving birth to like 8 kids. She has the same issues due to being insulting for her past even though she stopped ages ago and spoke againts the industry and even joined human rights movement.

    Also, An arab girl did one amature P video. its online to this day. after it was posted online. her family disowned her. All this was 15 years ago or so. On the same video, people commented that she is now in the united nation for human rights. I looked it up and it's her.

    bottom line: haters are easy to find. real friends aren't. A lot get happy when you fail and upset when you succeed. Life isn't fair most of the time. The faster you accept that, the better human you would be.
     
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  18. seafaring stranger

    seafaring stranger Fapstronaut

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    @Reborn66 Thanks, dude.
    The fact of being caught feels shameful on another level. Obviously, I had the same shameful feelings as you about P* in general but this shame feels much more intense than that. Something that may have been simply regrettable and perhaps a little self-destructive is now instead a stain on my character, enough to destroy my life.

    I guess the fact that the interactivity/validation of sexting/nude sharing was more what I was addicted to, being caught is more likely to happen. While I did panic about the possibility of it, I guess I just thought it would never actually happen to me, y'know?

    Thanks for your support btw. x
     
  19. Reborn66

    Reborn66 Fapstronaut

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    whatever anyone on this site says
    i dont see any profile with their correct names
    we are all here carrying shame for sexual thoughts,acts etc otherwise we would show ourselves
    you just got caught...easy mistake to make
     
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  20. DeeJ4y

    DeeJ4y Fapstronaut

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    Delete the account. Also you can not be sure that they know about it, it could be your own fear that due to its nature of being sensitive you can not actually confirm is it true or not. Delete the account.
     

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