Read my story it could save your life.

[jurte]

Without further ado. I don't feel like saying "Hi" and being positive, so I'm just gonna start.

My porn addiction started probably when I was 12 or 13. If only I knew then how damaged and ruined I'll become by the time I'm 22, I would have probably never started to watch this shit. When I was thirteen gradually it went downhill, I became isolated, lonely, cold, and completely detached from reality. My high school days were the worst I still remember this anxiety, as it became a part of me. Back then I started to party every weekend with my friends and as a result, I started drinking (which I don't consider to be a problem) and smoking cigarettes (this is my second addiction which will probably finish me). I understand now that back then this lifestyle was appealing to me because I was fundamentally damaged because of the porn use. My innocent mind got depraved and polluted by the influence of pornography and I started to believe in the constant pleasure of life.

As a result, I never learned any manual skills, and never participated in any sports activity. My teenage years were one big mess of PMO, alcohol, mistakes, and anxiety. However, when I turned seventeen I started to work out at home, all my life I have been this skinny kid and I decided to change that. After five years I can proudly say that I changed my body, I'm still pretty skinny, but I transformed my upper body and gained an athletic physique. This is the only achievement I'm proud of because that took time and dedication, and as a result, I fell in love with physical training. However, this was not enough I still was and am actively engaged in PMO and a degenerate lifestyle. After graduating high school I discovered NoFap, it was 2019 when I started to read about the topic and understand that I'm truly addicted. It resulted in me being two months free from Porn and Masturbation, I've never felt so good as I did back then. I was confident, sharp, funny, and witty. I began my first relationship back then, I was the happiest guy on Earth, and I loved those moments with her. After some time I relapsed, and I got sucked in again by pornography. It led to the end of our relationship, I broke up with my first true love in the worst way possible and that's why she hates and despises me to this day. She never understood that I'm sick, and even when I'm trying I still fail. I never told her, and I never will tell someone about this addiction to another, because I'm so embarrassed.

Now, I'm in a new relationship with a 10/10 girl. However, it changed nothing. I still masturbate and basically cheat on her since I constantly pay for video chats where I can flash myself for camgirls. I don't know why, but I'm addicted to this type of pornography, the reaction of the girls even if I know it's fake, and their engagement gives me such a dopamine rush. I'm also addicted to Omegle, to the point I'm constantly banned over there. I have no idea how much money I spent on video chats over the years, but it's in the thousands.

THE MOST IMPORTANT

Before you give me any tips!

I've done transmutation, cold showers, and meditation. Nothing works. The only thing that had an impact on me was the SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION method SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION. However, after a week or so I would usually relapse, and the book states that one or two readings are enough for one to get cured. It seems to me I'm incurable. I drifted away from God, my family, and friends and I lost any purpose. My job sucks, I try to get my driving for more than a year and I feel that I'm a complete failure. I can't fight the urges and temptations because this void when I don't watch PMO is too strong and too painful. I want to escape. Most importantly, I want to die.

 

[Icewarrior]

Without further ado. I don't feel like saying "Hi" and being positive, so I'm just gonna start.

My porn addiction started probably when I was 12 or 13. If only I knew then how damaged and ruined I'll become by the time I'm 22, I would have probably never started to watch this shit. When I was thirteen gradually it went downhill, I became isolated, lonely, cold, and completely detached from reality. My high school days were the worst I still remember this anxiety, as it became a part of me. Back then I started to party every weekend with my friends and as a result, I started drinking (which I don't consider to be a problem) and smoking cigarettes (this is my second addiction which will probably finish me). I understand now that back then this lifestyle was appealing to me because I was fundamentally damaged because of the porn use. My innocent mind got depraved and polluted by the influence of pornography and I started to believe in the constant pleasure of life.

As a result, I never learned any manual skills, and never participated in any sports activity. My teenage years were one big mess of PMO, alcohol, mistakes, and anxiety. However, when I turned seventeen I started to work out at home, all my life I have been this skinny kid and I decided to change that. After five years I can proudly say that I changed my body, I'm still pretty skinny, but I transformed my upper body and gained an athletic physique. This is the only achievement I'm proud of because that took time and dedication, and as a result, I fell in love with physical training. However, this was not enough I still was and am actively engaged in PMO and a degenerate lifestyle. After graduating high school I discovered NoFap, it was 2019 when I started to read about the topic and understand that I'm truly addicted. It resulted in me being two months free from Porn and Masturbation, I've never felt so good as I did back then. I was confident, sharp, funny, and witty. I began my first relationship back then, I was the happiest guy on Earth, and I loved those moments with her. After some time I relapsed, and I got sucked in again by pornography. It led to the end of our relationship, I broke up with my first true love in the worst way possible and that's why she hates and despises me to this day. She never understood that I'm sick, and even when I'm trying I still fail. I never told her, and I never will tell someone about this addiction to another, because I'm so embarrassed.

Now, I'm in a new relationship with a 10/10 girl. However, it changed nothing. I still masturbate and basically cheat on her since I constantly pay for video chats where I can flash myself for camgirls. I don't know why, but I'm addicted to this type of pornography, the reaction of the girls even if I know it's fake, and their engagement gives me such a dopamine rush. I'm also addicted to Omegle, to the point I'm constantly banned over there. I have no idea how much money I spent on video chats over the years, but it's in the thousands.

THE MOST IMPORTANT

Before you give me any tips!

I've done transmutation, cold showers, and meditation. Nothing works. The only thing that had an impact on me was the Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking method Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking. However, after a week or so I would usually relapse, and the book states that one or two readings are enough for one to get cured. It seems to me I'm incurable. I drifted away from God, my family, and friends and I lost any purpose. My job sucks, I try to get my driving for more than a year and I feel that I'm a complete failure. I can't fight the urges and temptations because this void when I don't watch PMO is too strong and too painful. I want to escape. Most importantly, I want to die.

Meditation is a lifelong practice. It is not a quick fix. Same goes for transmutation, cold therapy etc. You are young. Work on patience, persistence, gratitude, compassion and faith.

 

[sfmark12]

So are you just gonna let your mind tell you how to live your life? You know that the shit is bad for you, but yet you still continue to indulge. Sounds to me like you are not committed to ending this yet and just want to give up. This is not an overnight fix. I have not been in the same situation as you are so I cannot say I understand how you feel. Rise above the demons in your head and take control.

 

[flyswat]

My innocent mind got depraved and polluted by the influence of pornography and I started to believe in the constant pleasure of life.

Me too brother. Early imprinting like that is hard as hell to overcome (so to speak). I know, I've been half-heartedly trying to stop for 25 years. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I'm more committed now than ever before. Easy to say now, at essentially day one. Hope I'm still saying it a year from now.

 

[jurte]

So are you just gonna let your mind tell you how to live your life? You know that the shit is bad for you, but yet you still continue to indulge. Sounds to me like you are not committed to ending this yet and just want to give up. This is not an overnight fix. I have not been in the same situation as you are so I cannot say I understand how you feel. Rise above the demons in your head and take control.

Meditation is a lifelong practice. It is not a quick fix. Same goes for transmutation, cold therapy etc. You are young. Work on patience, persistence, gratitude, compassion and faith.

How do I work on faith? How can I believe in myself when I constantly fail? How can I believe in myself when the voices in my head remind me of all the times I relapsed and the flashbacks of porn are in my mind? How? When I’m afraid of a new version of me that is free from this slavery? I simply can’t. I’m so tired, really tired. I don’t believe in anything, because I’m all out of faith already.

 

[Deleted Account]

Without further ado. I don't feel like saying "Hi" and being positive, so I'm just gonna start.

My porn addiction started probably when I was 12 or 13. If only I knew then how damaged and ruined I'll become by the time I'm 22, I would have probably never started to watch this shit. When I was thirteen gradually it went downhill, I became isolated, lonely, cold, and completely detached from reality. My high school days were the worst I still remember this anxiety, as it became a part of me. Back then I started to party every weekend with my friends and as a result, I started drinking (which I don't consider to be a problem) and smoking cigarettes (this is my second addiction which will probably finish me). I understand now that back then this lifestyle was appealing to me because I was fundamentally damaged because of the porn use. My innocent mind got depraved and polluted by the influence of pornography and I started to believe in the constant pleasure of life.

As a result, I never learned any manual skills, and never participated in any sports activity. My teenage years were one big mess of PMO, alcohol, mistakes, and anxiety. However, when I turned seventeen I started to work out at home, all my life I have been this skinny kid and I decided to change that. After five years I can proudly say that I changed my body, I'm still pretty skinny, but I transformed my upper body and gained an athletic physique. This is the only achievement I'm proud of because that took time and dedication, and as a result, I fell in love with physical training. However, this was not enough I still was and am actively engaged in PMO and a degenerate lifestyle. After graduating high school I discovered NoFap, it was 2019 when I started to read about the topic and understand that I'm truly addicted. It resulted in me being two months free from Porn and Masturbation, I've never felt so good as I did back then. I was confident, sharp, funny, and witty. I began my first relationship back then, I was the happiest guy on Earth, and I loved those moments with her. After some time I relapsed, and I got sucked in again by pornography. It led to the end of our relationship, I broke up with my first true love in the worst way possible and that's why she hates and despises me to this day. She never understood that I'm sick, and even when I'm trying I still fail. I never told her, and I never will tell someone about this addiction to another, because I'm so embarrassed.

Now, I'm in a new relationship with a 10/10 girl. However, it changed nothing. I still masturbate and basically cheat on her since I constantly pay for video chats where I can flash myself for camgirls. I don't know why, but I'm addicted to this type of pornography, the reaction of the girls even if I know it's fake, and their engagement gives me such a dopamine rush. I'm also addicted to Omegle, to the point I'm constantly banned over there. I have no idea how much money I spent on video chats over the years, but it's in the thousands.

THE MOST IMPORTANT

Before you give me any tips!

I've done transmutation, cold showers, and meditation. Nothing works. The only thing that had an impact on me was the Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking method Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking. However, after a week or so I would usually relapse, and the book states that one or two readings are enough for one to get cured. It seems to me I'm incurable. I drifted away from God, my family, and friends and I lost any purpose. My job sucks, I try to get my driving for more than a year and I feel that I'm a complete failure. I can't fight the urges and temptations because this void when I don't watch PMO is too strong and too painful. I want to escape. Most importantly, I want to die.

Since you mentioned that you are in a new relationship with a 10/10 girl, doesn't that mean anything to you? If you have to place your attention on her all the time to get better, why not? Of course, it's not always going to be flowers and roses in any relationship. You go through ups and downs, but that's how you build one and build yourself too. While you feel that you have drifted away from God, God will always and has been alongside you. Life will always be full of problems, struggles and obstacles. But happiness and joy comes from solving those problems. You do realize that everyone here will give you positive advice and energy. But it still depends on how you respond to it. You are the vessel of your own change. Otherwise, you are living like a zombie on earth. Stay strong brother. One day a time.

 

[Icewarrior]

How do I work on faith? How can I believe in myself when I constantly fail? How can I believe in myself when the voices in my head remind me of all the times I relapsed and the flashbacks of porn are in my mind? How? When I’m afraid of a new version of me that is free from this slavery? I simply can’t. I’m so tired, really tired. I don’t believe in anything, because I’m all out of faith already.

When the voices in your head make their appearance tell yourself that they are not you. When the feeling of self-doubt arises let it be there without fighting it, and tell yourself it’s not you. Identification with thoughts and emotions is at the root of our difficulties. After years of identifying with them it’s going to take a lot of work to drop the attachments. The real work starts here.

 

[jurte]

Since you mentioned that you are in a new relationship with a 10/10 girl, doesn't that mean anything to you? If you have to place your attention on her all the time to get better, why not? Of course, it's not always going to be flowers and roses in any relationship. You go through ups and downs, but that's how you build one and build yourself too. While you feel that you have drifted away from God, God will always and has been alongside you. Life will always be full of problems, struggles and obstacles. But happiness and joy comes from solving those problems. You do realize that everyone here will give you positive advice and energy. But it still depends on how you respond to it. You are the vessel of your own change. Otherwise, you are living like a zombie on earth. Stay strong brother. One day a time.

That's the problem. This guilt and a constant feeling of hopelessness make me feel so dead inside. I despise myself for ruining myself and ruining this previous relationship, I despise myself for being a bad boyfriend in this relationship, even though my girl is happy and truly loves me, I still have this dark shadow all over my soul. I know I must be better, but the simple thing is I can't. Constant thinking about this addiction makes me feel so drained, I'm so exhausted with the constant need to get better and a constant feeling of being addicted. The worst thing is, that I have no hope. None at all.

 

[jurte]

When the voices in your head make their appearance tell yourself that they are not you. When the feeling of self-doubt arises let it be there without fighting it, and tell yourself it’s not you. Identification with thoughts and emotions is at the root of our difficulties. After years of identifying with them, it’s going to take a lot of work to drop the attachments. The real work starts here.

You're right, easier said than done. But you're right man. The thing is, even when I identify this problem, it still is not enough for me. Deep down I think that this constant craving for pornography is truly my essence, because I'm an addict and I've always been, what's the point of changing that? I'm simply too weak. That's how I see myself, unfortunately.

 

[jurte]

Me too brother. Early imprinting like that is hard as hell to overcome (so to speak). I know, I've been half-heartedly trying to stop for 25 years. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. I'm more committed now than ever before. Easy to say now, at essentially day one. Hope I'm still saying it a year from now.

The worst thing about this addiction is that despite the awareness of how damaging porn is, I still cannot overcome it and I come back to it.

 

[flyswat]

It's been that way for me, too. But I believe if I really commit stopping, do the work, and not get complacent, ever, it can be overcome. Easier said than done...

 

[Exit To Freedom]

The worst thing about this addiction is that despite the awareness of how damaging porn is, I still cannot overcome it and I come back to it.

Well it seems like that's why a lot of us are here. You are here as well and that's what counts. Try to find some simple advice here that might work for you, and if you read how helpless some others were and how they overcame it, you might find a glimmer of inspiration. I think someone else said it, you are not your thoughts about porn and fantasy. Separate from that idea.

 

[sfmark12]

How do I work on faith? How can I believe in myself when I constantly fail? How can I believe in myself when the voices in my head remind me of all the times I relapsed and the flashbacks of porn are in my mind? How? When I’m afraid of a new version of me that is free from this slavery? I simply can’t. I’m so tired, really tired. I don’t believe in anything, because I’m all out of faith already.

There is no simple trick to answering all your questions. You sack the fuck up and change for what you want. All of us are tired, even me. I don't want to do half the shit I do to improve myself but I have to. I know damn well I do not want to sit in a depressing mindset and have pity parties all day. Do not give up.

 

[dokiman]

I'm in the same boat too. Blown thousands on P over the last 20 years. So much time and money wasted with a lot of guilt and regret built up inside.

 

[Icewarrior]

You're right, easier said than done. But you're right man. The thing is, even when I identify this problem, it still is not enough for me. Deep down I think that this constant craving for pornography is truly my essence, because I'm an addict and I've always been, what's the point of changing that? I'm simply too weak. That's how I see myself, unfortunately.

It is not your essence. You have not always been an addict. You are identifying with the thoughts in your head. These are impermanent. Work on yourself each day and GRADUALLY things will change.

 

[wastewater]

It's been that way for me, too. But I believe if I really commit stopping, do the work, and not get complacent, ever, it can be overcome.
Easier said than done...

" Easier said than done...", now ain't that the million dollar truth !...

 

[flyswat]

Constant thinking about this addiction makes me feel so drained, I'm so exhausted with the constant need to get better and a constant feeling of being addicted.

Maybe give yourself a break. Stop obsessing on your addiction. When I obsess on my addiction, my countless shortcomings and failures, what am I helping? A better question might be: who am I helping? I'm not not helping myself in any way. It doesn't sound like you are helping yourself either when thinking like this. Try thinking about someone else. What can you do to help to help them, ake their day better, even in the smallest of ways.

The fact that you are sharing your struggles here is a great start. Reading about your struggles helps me. It reinforces the fact that I'm not alone in this. And neither are you.

 

[Deleted Account]

That's the problem. This guilt and a constant feeling of hopelessness make me feel so dead inside. I despise myself for ruining myself and ruining this previous relationship, I despise myself for being a bad boyfriend in this relationship, even though my girl is happy and truly loves me, I still have this dark shadow all over my soul. I know I must be better, but the simple thing is I can't. Constant thinking about this addiction makes me feel so drained, I'm so exhausted with the constant need to get better and a constant feeling of being addicted. The worst thing is, that I have no hope. None at all.

Sorry to say this, but if you keep on going down this slippery path, you may even end up losing your girlfriend and things will get even worse for you. I am also tired of the shit that is ongoing in my life, till the extent I quit my job. But I never want to lose faith and hope in myself, regardless of what I go through. We can give you plenty of advice and suggestions but the effectiveness ultimately depends on you. Maybe you need time. Stay strong brother.

 

[1amth3l1ght]

The worst thing about this addiction is that despite the awareness of how damaging porn is, I still cannot overcome it and I come back to it.

Here's the thing.

You are only as successful as your efforts to stop. Curing addiction is not easy, in fact, it's probably one of the most painful things you will ever do because you are refusing to give your body the thing it wants the most. You need to take over control.

Like @flyswat said, easier said than done... but - and here's the thing - starting with baby steps will still get you on the road to recovery.
You are going to have to be hard on yourself. Not one person who has quit this addiction has had it easy, everyone has a difficult time. The most important thing is that you make the changes and when you do, you stick to them irrespective of how much you crave.

Once you break through that barrier, it will become much easier.

 

[jurte]

Sorry to say this, but if you keep on going down this slippery path, you may even end up losing your girlfriend and things will get even worse for you. I am also tired of the shit that is ongoing in my life, till the extent I quit my job. But I never want to lose faith and hope in myself, regardless of what I go through. We can give you plenty of advice and suggestions but the effectiveness ultimately depends on you. Maybe you need time. Stay strong brother.

I know that’s the main point. I feel like this is inevitable at some point. I mean, I feel like I don’t deserve love because I’ve participated in so much filth throughout my years of addiction.