Read my story it could save your life.

Without further ado. I don't feel like saying "Hi" and being positive, so I'm just gonna start.

My porn addiction started probably when I was 12 or 13. If only I knew then how damaged and ruined I'll become by the time I'm 22, I would have probably never started to watch this shit. When I was thirteen gradually it went downhill, I became isolated, lonely, cold, and completely detached from reality. My high school days were the worst I still remember this anxiety, as it became a part of me. Back then I started to party every weekend with my friends and as a result, I started drinking (which I don't consider to be a problem) and smoking cigarettes (this is my second addiction which will probably finish me). I understand now that back then this lifestyle was appealing to me because I was fundamentally damaged because of the porn use. My innocent mind got depraved and polluted by the influence of pornography and I started to believe in the constant pleasure of life.

As a result, I never learned any manual skills, and never participated in any sports activity. My teenage years were one big mess of PMO, alcohol, mistakes, and anxiety. However, when I turned seventeen I started to work out at home, all my life I have been this skinny kid and I decided to change that. After five years I can proudly say that I changed my body, I'm still pretty skinny, but I transformed my upper body and gained an athletic physique. This is the only achievement I'm proud of because that took time and dedication, and as a result, I fell in love with physical training. However, this was not enough I still was and am actively engaged in PMO and a degenerate lifestyle. After graduating high school I discovered NoFap, it was 2019 when I started to read about the topic and understand that I'm truly addicted. It resulted in me being two months free from Porn and Masturbation, I've never felt so good as I did back then. I was confident, sharp, funny, and witty. I began my first relationship back then, I was the happiest guy on Earth, and I loved those moments with her. After some time I relapsed, and I got sucked in again by pornography. It led to the end of our relationship, I broke up with my first true love in the worst way possible and that's why she hates and despises me to this day. She never understood that I'm sick, and even when I'm trying I still fail. I never told her, and I never will tell someone about this addiction to another, because I'm so embarrassed.

Now, I'm in a new relationship with a 10/10 girl. However, it changed nothing. I still masturbate and basically cheat on her since I constantly pay for video chats where I can flash myself for camgirls. I don't know why, but I'm addicted to this type of pornography, the reaction of the girls even if I know it's fake, and their engagement gives me such a dopamine rush. I'm also addicted to Omegle, to the point I'm constantly banned over there. I have no idea how much money I spent on video chats over the years, but it's in the thousands.

THE MOST IMPORTANT

Before you give me any tips!

I've done transmutation, cold showers, and meditation. Nothing works. The only thing that had an impact on me was the SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION method SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION. However, after a week or so I would usually relapse, and the book states that one or two readings are enough for one to get cured. It seems to me I'm incurable. I drifted away from God, my family, and friends and I lost any purpose. My job sucks, I try to get my driving for more than a year and I feel that I'm a complete failure. I can't fight the urges and temptations because this void when I don't watch PMO is too strong and too painful. I want to escape. Most importantly, I want to die.

 

How do I work on faith? How can I believe in myself when I constantly fail? How can I believe in myself when the voices in my head remind me of all the times I relapsed and the flashbacks of porn are in my mind? How? When I’m afraid of a new version of me that is free from this slavery? I simply can’t. I’m so tired, really tired. I don’t believe in anything, because I’m all out of faith already.

 

That's the problem. This guilt and a constant feeling of hopelessness make me feel so dead inside. I despise myself for ruining myself and ruining this previous relationship, I despise myself for being a bad boyfriend in this relationship, even though my girl is happy and truly loves me, I still have this dark shadow all over my soul. I know I must be better, but the simple thing is I can't. Constant thinking about this addiction makes me feel so drained, I'm so exhausted with the constant need to get better and a constant feeling of being addicted. The worst thing is, that I have no hope. None at all.

 

You're right, easier said than done. But you're right man. The thing is, even when I identify this problem, it still is not enough for me. Deep down I think that this constant craving for pornography is truly my essence, because I'm an addict and I've always been, what's the point of changing that? I'm simply too weak. That's how I see myself, unfortunately.

 

The worst thing about this addiction is that despite the awareness of how damaging porn is, I still cannot overcome it and I come back to it.

 

I know that’s the main point. I feel like this is inevitable at some point. I mean, I feel like I don’t deserve love because I’ve participated in so much filth throughout my years of addiction.