Dealing with partners porn addiction

Short update:
Overall, things are going well. Just got back from my boyfriend's place, and we had planned to discuss some things and revisit certain issues. Earlier, I mentioned he was part of an esoteric school, and only after 1.5 years, he revealed that his ex was also in his previous group of meetings (he's now been in a different group for 2 months). It was a bit of a hassle since I had visited and met the ex during one of their meetings. We talked about it, and I expressed my discomfort that he hadn't shared this earlier. He assured me it wouldn't happen again and that he wouldn't make me feel untrusting or unsafe.

Today, he mentioned the school has scheduled a working day on Sunday where around 60 members gather to clean and work in the forest where it's located. Initially, it wouldn't have been an issue, but then I realized he expressed wanting to go without considering my feelings (knowing his ex would likely be there) despite our previous discussion. When I mentioned it, he defensively said not going wasn't an option and he couldn't control others' agendas. It made me feel sidelined, unimportant, and not taken seriously, as he was so focused on his own desires and seemed selfish. I put in so much effort and have to tell him what to do, and it really affects me emotionally.

I felt a bit sad about it, but it's also a different kind of sadness because it's a repeating pattern that shows I can never be a part of his life regarding that school. Those who do nothing for him get the most, while I, who support him through thick and thin, get taken for granted.

Even though there wasn't an immediate reason, I was there for him tonight to discuss things. Not to accuse but to improve our communication and understanding without becoming defensive. We talked about the roots of his porn addiction, his childhood, and why he behaves that way concerning the school (defensiveness, fear, inability to say no, doing everything for them, etc.).

I believe he genuinely doesn't care about his ex, but that's not the point.
@Warfman coming back to your question:
The fact that he withheld information and I had to confront it, express how it affected me, have a conversation, and get an apology with the promise of safety and consideration, only to hear so many reasons tonight about why he would still go, even though it's optional. Wherry's the safety and the promise? And this alongside his whole porn reboot thing. It feels like others always come first, and I'll always have to fight for him, while he only cares about his own needs and feelings.

Any advice on this?

 

I don't prohibit him from not going... because besides his meeting, he does participate in other activities such as grocery shopping and working with 2 other people on the school's website. He has this urge even when it comes to something insignificant, like the cat story I mentioned earlier. We've discussed his fear related to the school and the behaviors stemming from it, the strange behavior he noticed in himself - not being honest, feeling compelled to solve people's problems, seeking approval, wanting confirmation, being unable to say no due to fear of judgment, and so on. So it's not just about "the school is important to me or I like being there," it runs deeper and comes from somewhere, as certain behaviors are not okay.

He's defending his territory (the school), fearing something will be taken away from him. He goes on the defensive (sometimes saying things unrelated), attempting to keep that fear outside his territory with certain suggestions that stem from a deeper place. I'll delve further into this in my next post. We'll be working on this in the coming weeks, hence the weekly communication sessions to discuss things.

Regarding Sunday, the working day, he's been feeling a bit down these past few days, which is normal during the reboot and just a part of life—feeling a bit off is more than normal. What you see happening is: he feels bad, that's an emotion, he doesn't embrace it, but instead runs from it. He finds something, in this case, he escapes to the working day to make himself feel better, similar to his past porn behavior. His brain processes this differently, especially during the reboot when things are more sensitive. It's about not feeling good, so he has to feel good. After the working day, he'll feel better and won't have that emotion anymore. Next time, there will be another working day, he doesn't feel good, so he goes again. Just like with porn, he doesn't feel good and runs away from those emotions, training his brain to avoid feelings. As @hope4healing mentioned, it's important to get to the root of the problem.

I do a lot for him, helping with his struggles, assisting in his work, and being open to hearing about his school experiences. I cook and care for him, support his reboot, and dedicate a day each week for communication. Despite the lies and omissions, I'm there for HIM. Isn't it reasonable for me to share my feelings about the working day with him, especially when it doesn't sit well with me and gives me a bad feeling, even though he said he wouldn't do it?

Why is it so hard for him to support me and make this situation less challenging, rather than not valuing it and failing to recognize that it's not something to be assumed? The entire process revolves around his needs, and I'm consistently offering my support throughout the reboot. Is it not fair to ask for this? It genuinely impacts me, leading to inner sadness.

 

Today, I read some journals from SO and it really had an impact on me. I had a strange feeling in my throat while reading, especially a post by @Psalm27:1my light about ending their relationship. It's heartbreaking to read that despite all the effort, it didn't work out. I shared this with my BF and explained how it affected me.

I also recalled the day before yesterday, Sunday a working day f that school, feeling like my emotions aren't truly understood or taken seriously as a partner. He seems to do his own thing without considering my feelings. It's almost like being ignored...

So, I told him that I realize I truly need his support in this, just like I'm always there for him, even in these tough situations. I hope he can be there for me without causing me these unpleasant anxious feelings, given the difficulties we're already dealing with. I hoped he could provide me with that warmth and security, and we could let go of the whole issue from Sunday instead of dwelling on it.

He said, "I understand how it feels. I assure you, I'm not ignoring you. I support you. Unfortunately, those anxious feelings are a product of the process. They've walked in and made themselves at home, just like my addiction. You need to show them the door."

He also invited me to take over his daily planning and join him for a month. That way, I could experience how the routine balances my life and makes me stronger and more resilient.

I responded, explaining that my feelings stem from past experiences (the lies, withholding information, getting defensive even when he's wrong, a mild form of gaslighting, and so on.)

He promised that there wouldn't be room for other issues and that I'd feel this way. Despite everything, I'm still here for him. It's up to him to fulfill those promises and truly make me feel safe. I trusted him completely, and that trust has been broken a few times, which hurts.

It seems like he's saying everything is normal, but it doesn't feel that way to me. It's not about my problems or addiction. It's about him aligning his actions with his words. That's what gives me a true sense of safety, something I can't create alone.

This conversation felt defensive and focused on my needs, considering others again. I asked him one small thing throughout the process, just one thing. To consider my feelings!? Why does he act this way? Why doesn't he see it, and why the defensive behavior and insistence? It's really odd. He's pushing me further away with this because he's revealing more and more of his true self.

Is that too much to ask for, alongside everything I do for him? We talked, but it went the same way. I asked if he would go to the working day on Sunday. He replied he hasn't decided yet because if he says yes, we won't have a pleasant conversation. He suggested we find alternative solutions, like him coming home earlier, but that's not the point... Eventually, I got angry and fed up. He isn't there for me, letting me suffocate and drown in emotions he's responsible for. Right now, I feel so angry and sad about this.

What do you make of this ? @hope4healing

 

I think you understand me partially. I’ ve known this for longer than just today. If it happens once, that behavior tends to resurface the next time, especially now in this process. On the other hand, I've been grappling with my emotions. He used to attend that meeting (esoteric school) where his ex was also present. I had no idea about this for about 1.5 years, and he never told me until I brought up the subject suddenly. I can't recall exactly how we got onto that topic. He even invited me to those meetings once, and I went. However, he didn't mention that his ex would be there. The issue is that I expressed my discomfort about it affecting me, and on the same night he disclosed it, he promised to understand that what he did wasn't right and he was aware of its impact on me. He assured me he'd be considerate and not hurt me. And the day before yesterday, he suddenly says again, "I want to go to the working day (where his ex might be again), do you understand me a bit? He is ignoring my feelings? If he genuinely cared about me and truly wanted to create a safe and supportive environment, he would have taken this into account and addressed it proactively, because he knows how it affects me. But all I hear is him saying he wants to go to that working day, how he's been feeling low the past few days, and so on. All these excuses to go, but no consideration for my feelings. He's just selfishly choosing himself... how can I build a future with someone of such character? In a relationship, it's only natural to consider each other's feelings, especially now during his reboot, which is actually his issue…

Someone who can't even choose me or take my needs seriously... even though I'm not asking him to give up everything or to go.
I hear you suggesting I should do what? I can't ignore my feelings and pretend they don't affect me, especially not for his sake. I'm not demanding too much from him; I'm participating in his reboot, and despite everything, I'm there for him. Could you also suggest things he could do? He can attend his meeting and engage in other activities alongside, I'm not stopping him. Someone who truly wants it, wants it! You don't need to say "do this, do that" a thousand times for that. A few years ago, he used to go there every day. At some point, one of those teachers there made the remark, "Why do you say yes? You don't always have to say yes."

The only thing I want from him is to consider my feelings and take them seriously. He withheld information about his ex (it's not about the ex or jealousy); the lying, the lack of honesty, it affects me... even though he knows how it affects me, even though we're in a reboot, he still chooses other things. I know him in this regard. In my previous post, I mentioned that he deleted and blocked all social media like Instagram and Facebook, which he did on his own initiative. Then he quit his previous job and potentially took over a client's Google ads, but that client also wanted him to manage Instagram ads, etc. (this wasn't part of his job; he could have declined). I didn't think it was a good idea, contradictory in nature. On one hand, you block everything, knowing these are triggers, and on the other hand, you reintroduce them into your life... I thought along with him; he could create a quote and clearly state that social media isn't his expertise. Even then, he got defensive, even though I tried hard to have a conversation, to think together with him, he chose that assignment.
Eventually, the man invited him for a business lunch and asked him to detail how he'd approach things in writing. My boyfriend did that, and it was a trap; he gave away too much information, and eventually, he heard nothing back from the man. When he tried calling and reaching out, the man said he's not interested anymore. Do you get what I mean? He chose to go ahead with it, knowing it would cost him his relationship, me, and his reboot. In the end, he realized he can be a big fool sometimes.

Perhaps I might come across a bit distant, and it's definitely not personal towards you. I genuinely find it very bothersome. I hope you can understand from my perspective what I'm feeling and experiencing, and I can't just ignore that unpleasant feeling caused by his actions and pretend everything is okay; that wouldn't solve anything. When things remain unspoken and are brushed aside, they keep coming back every time and they grow bigger.. I'm there for him at all times too, no matter what happens. He knows very well, especially now in his reboot and all the PMO issues, that he has my full support. Because if he truly understands that, then we can make this work and a beautiful, loving outcome can arise from our collaboration.

 

Yesterday, we spent almost half a day discussing the issue. I really hoped we could resolve it. I shared my perspective with him, including his responses. I printed them out, and we went over everything. I was hoping he would understand me, embrace my feelings, and create a sense of safety and warmth

Luckily, we managed to have a regular conversation about it. I had to keep emphasizing that it was about my emotions and the impact they had on me.

What caught my attention in his story was when he mentioned, "I want my feelings to count too. It really gets to me that I can't experience the regular workday anymore." He's concerned about giving too much and feeling like something is being taken away, especially since he relies on that routine at home while working remotely and doesn't have much else going on in the context of a workday involving 50 people.

He wants his emotions to be recognized as well. He suggested a middle ground by suggesting we keep the workday once a month, but the main issue isn't that, and I didn't agree with it.


In the end, I told him this doesn't have to be difficult: "I have a feeling, something hurts me, I come to you hoping you'll embrace it and say, 'Sweetheart, I'm here for you. Don't worry, I won't go because your feelings matter to me, and I don't want to hurt you.I know it's tough, and I'm aware that my brain tends to get hooked on things (thankfully, he acknowledged that). It's about this feeling of loss, loneliness, and giving in too much. I'd love to hear from you that this won't last forever, that it won't cast a shadow over my entire workday. It's not about the specifics or a particular date, but hearing this would give me a reassuring boost to address this issue and its roots." If he had said something like this, it would have been ideal. His initial response would show he takes my feelings seriously, and then he could honestly admit that he finds it challenging. He would want to hear something that guides him in tackling the problem. I would've felt so proud, and it would've marked the first step toward regaining mental stability and trust.


He mentioned that if he were to compromise and give me what I want, he would still see himself as the wretched sinner, the desperate addict who's worthless. He'd also worry about losing a part of what he cares about most in his life (that school). He explained that if I were to leave eventually, it would leave him with two empty spaces in his heart. The feeling is something we can work on together, but I'm putting my entire future on the line, something I've never been certain about...


It made me sad that, after everything, I still had the feeling that he wasn't embracing my emotions and that we were left hanging again. So, I decided to step away from the reboot and not support him in it anymore. He didn't take that well. I explained it's because my feelings aren't being taken seriously, and it hurts, in addition to the pain from the whole situation. Of dat een goede keuze is geweest dat weet ik niet..

He needed time to let it sink in, read the answers, and have a clear understanding before saying anything "stupid" since he was very emotional. I was fine with that. So we'll see.

Any advice is welcome.