Dealing with partners porn addiction

This is possibly the most gaslight-y thing I've heard in a really long time and demonstrably faulty.
Doing workdays is not an activity that is going to take away his feelings of being a sinner or worthless. Missing workdays should not make him feel like a sinner or worthless. That screams cult brainwashing.

If he has those feelings, he should be in therapy learning how to deal with them. But he's framing it in a way that makes it sound like if you get "your way", you will be responsible for him feeling that way and that's absolutely faulty and absolutely not okay for him to put on you over this topic.

If he has outright said that the school is what he cares most about in his life, girl, what are you still doing there?? That's.....not normal. At all. And you have your answer for why he does not consider your feelings when the school comes up. Because you are not as important as it and your feelings matter less than it. Can you live with that?

Does not doing workdays get him kicked out of the school? Or if you leave one day, could he just pick the workdays back up as if nothing ever happened? Because him talking about having two holes makes zero sense unless the workdays are required for membership and he could never get back in again. Which....screams cult.

 

I like this response. It takes the responsibility of his reboot off of you, and puts it in the lap of the one should bear it, himself.

Good job

 

https://www.loveatfirstfight.com/relationship-advice/forgiveness/sincere-apology/

@hope4healing posted this several months ago. It's something worth reading and also worth sharing with your bf for him to read.

 

I agree with the two comments above. You may actually be helping him more by letting him be. Then he has the option to chose if he really wants to recover or not. If you are the one telling what he's doing wrong setting boundaries and telling how he can do better, then it's very easy for him to resent you for any sacrifices he does along the way. He needs to realize that and do those on his own accord. You can't be the one pushing him forward, you can only support him.

On the other hand, I don't understand the situation with the school. From my perspective it sounds like cult as well. It also sounds like he does not realize that he has to do sacrifices and change his life, like really change it. Not just porn otherwise he will relapse again or find another vice. And he needs to stop making it seem as though you are the one with the problem. Something that my wife and I learned from couples counselling when one was not feeling acknowledged was a dialogue form where you go to partner and say hey I want to talk about something and I don't want you to reply just listen. And then the partner just listens but like really listen, forgets even about replying, listens to the words and the meaning. Then perhaps that chat sits in and perhaps gets through the defensiveness.

Your partner needs to realize that nobody will help him unconditionally the way you do and unless he really gets it together he is going to lose it and may never get it again from anyone. That will be the real hole he needs to worry about. Groups of friendly people can be found easier. Perhaps he can even find one with you, one you share where there is no shady ex around. Have to find a balance for yourself. You can support him but don't forget putting yourself first. If he feels that he can rely on you to get better then he will likely half arse everything while sucking your energy until there's no more. That's what addicts do so out yourself first and cautiously support him until real commitment is shown.