My girlfriend broke up with me and now im lost

[raysfan16]

Yesterday my girlfriend of 3 and half years broke up with me. I told her about my PMOing back in August when I noticed it began to affect my relationship in a variety of ways. After PMOing everyday 2-3 times a day (sometimes more) around last July I started to become less physically and emotionally attached to her even though she is beautiful and a beyond extraordinary woman. I started to see her as a chore and fantasized about sleeping with and dating other women even if they were less attractive than her.

Even though she was/is perfect for me I constantly wondered if I was "missing out" since she was my first SERIOUS relationship and we are both 23 years old. Despite knowing the negative side effects I continued to indulge in this awful addiction. She has been nothing but loving and supportive even though she was a bit hurt. She ended it because as a result of my addiction I haven't put as much effort into our relationship and become distant from a physical/emotional standpoint. I was constantly in my own head overthinking everything with her. She just wasn't happy and for that I don't blame her. I caused these problems between us. She did say that if I do recover and get better we can potentially get back together but for now being apart is the "best thing" for us. Im just so angry at myself.

At first I wanted novelty but now, after she said it was over it was like I snapped out of a trance and just wanted to be with her...I need help. I want the relapse I had yesterday to be the last one. I want to be done with this awful habit and get her back or at the very least be better in my next relationship if things don't work out. Any comment from men and women who have struggled with this addiction while in a relationship or their partner struggled will be appreciated. I just need some guidance...

 

[1dayattatime]

Yesterday my girlfriend of 3 and half years broke up with me. I told her about my PMOing back in August when I noticed it began to affect my relationship in a variety of ways. After PMOing everyday 2-3 times a day (sometimes more) around last July I started to become less physically and emotionally attached to her even though she is beautiful and a beyond extraordinary woman. I started to see her as a chore and fantasized about sleeping with and dating other women even if they were less attractive than her.

Even though she was/is perfect for me I constantly wondered if I was "missing out" since she was my first SERIOUS relationship and we are both 23 years old. Despite knowing the negative side effects I continued to indulge in this awful addiction. She has been nothing but loving and supportive even though she was a bit hurt. She ended it because as a result of my addiction I haven't put as much effort into our relationship and become distant from a physical/emotional standpoint. I was constantly in my own head overthinking everything with her. She just wasn't happy and for that I don't blame her. I caused these problems between us. She did say that if I do recover and get better we can potentially get back together but for now being apart is the "best thing" for us. Im just so angry at myself.

At first I wanted novelty but now, after she said it was over it was like I snapped out of a trance and just wanted to be with her...I need help. I want the relapse I had yesterday to be the last one. I want to be done with this awful habit and get her back or at the very least be better in my next relationship if things don't work out. Any comment from men and women who have struggled with this addiction while in a relationship or their partner struggled will be appreciated. I just need some guidance...

I have been in recovery from this addiction for a couple years. I am married and we are still together. However, over the last two years there have been periods where i thought we would be divorced and i even moved out for 8 months. it is those 8 months of being alone that i would like to talk about.

During that time i had to face my depression. During that time i went through depression. I think that being separated was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I was forced to face my feelings. One key thing that help me through that time was remaining in contact with my support group. I made calls and was honest with the guys in group. Then. Slooowly i began to see my patterns. I started to notice that when i would feel strong urges they were connected to my emotions. I was feeling my emotions in sextrospect. I would have an urge and think through my day and recognize that i had felt rejection or fear or hopelessness. Then i would talk through it or cry it out.

Now, i am working on talking through my emotions in real time before i feel the urges.

This journey is about finding what is driving your addiction. It is natural to focus on the behavior since that is what you see as the problem and then to realize that in fact it is you ability (or rather inability) to work through your feelings that drives most of your urges. Asking for help is so awesome, nice job dude. Keep it up.

As you increase your emotional intelligence you will find that you will be able to have healthier relationships thats what i have found. I hope that helps. Whatever you do don't give up. I feel like i have made every mistake you can make in recovery, but i havent given up.

 

[raysfan16]

I have been in recovery from this addiction for a couple years. I am married and we are still together. However, over the last two years there have been periods where i thought we would be divorced and i even moved out for 8 months. it is those 8 months of being alone that i would like to talk about.

During that time i had to face my depression. During that time i went through depression. I think that being separated was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I was forced to face my feelings. One key thing that help me through that time was remaining in contact with my support group. I made calls and was honest with the guys in group. Then. Slooowly i began to see my patterns. I started to notice that when i would feel strong urges they were connected to my emotions. I was feeling my emotions in sextrospect. I would have an urge and think through my day and recognize that i had felt rejection or fear or hopelessness. Then i would talk through it or cry it out.

Now, i am working on talking through my emotions in real time before i feel the urges.

This journey is about finding what is driving your addiction. It is natural to focus on the behavior since that is what you see as the problem and then to realize that in fact it is you ability (or rather inability) to work through your feelings that drives most of your urges. Asking for help is so awesome, nice job dude. Keep it up.

As you increase your emotional intelligence you will find that you will be able to have healthier relationships thats what i have found. I hope that helps. Whatever you do don't give up. I feel like i have made every mistake you can make in recovery, but i havent given up.

How are you and your wife now? And how do I deal with the guilt and shame???

 

[1dayattatime]

How are you and your wife now? And how do I deal with the guilt and shame???

My wife and i are now in a season of newness for our relationship. I think it is the best it has been in years. Long way to go still. We still fight, but our fights dont usually last as long get as ugly and when they do we disengage from each other but we always come back later and talk about it once sanity has returned.

The guilt and shame are killer man. I read and reread and still reference brene browns book called The Gifts of Imperfection. It is a must read for dealing with shame. She talks about building shame resilience. It took me a long time to just identify when i am feeling shame and calling it out. Shame cannot live in the light. So just talking about it helps. Recieving empathy is a big deal. That is one reason NoFap is awesome. Lots of people who have been there

 

[raysfan16]

My wife and i are now in a season of newness for our relationship. I think it is the best it has been in years. Long way to go still. We still fight, but our fights dont usually last as long get as ugly and when they do we disengage from each other but we always come back later and talk about it once sanity has returned.

The guilt and shame are killer man. I read and reread and still reference brene browns book called The Gifts of Imperfection. It is a must read for dealing with shame. She talks about building shame resilience. It took me a long time to just identify when i am feeling shame and calling it out. Shame cannot live in the light. So just talking about it helps. Recieving empathy is a big deal. That is one reason NoFap is awesome. Lots of people who have been there

I think I might check that book out after I read one I just bought called The Porn Myth: Exposing the reality behind the fantasy of pornography. The synopsis being "The Porn Myth is a non-religious response to the commonly held belief that pornography is a harmless or even beneficial pastime. Author Matt Fradd draws on the experience of porn performers and users, and the expertise of neurologists, sociologists, and psychologists to demonstrate that pornography is destructive to individuals, relationships, and society. He provides insightful arguments, supported by the latest scientific research, to discredit the fanciful claims used to defend and promote pornography." Cause I need more understanding of what I have done to myself and how it has hurt my relationship. Than I can tackle shame/guilt

 

[raysfan16]

Living together is a work for two. Everyone should understand that they need to do each other well and sometimes give in. So that the girl did not leave, it is necessary to remove the cause, which is unpleasant for her. The refusal of bad habits here is very important to be together. Here you need a lot of diplomacy and understanding. If the situation has not gone too far, then you need to think and find common ground with her, to communicate on good

You are right about her "removing the cause." I understand why she did what she did. These problems and the issues we have been having are my fault. I have been selfish. I think this time apart is something we need so I can get better and she can heal.

 

[1dayattatime]

I think I might check that book out after I read one I just bought called The Porn Myth: Exposing the reality behind the fantasy of pornography. The synopsis being "The Porn Myth is a non-religious response to the commonly held belief that pornography is a harmless or even beneficial pastime. Author Matt Fradd draws on the experience of porn performers and users, and the expertise of neurologists, sociologists, and psychologists to demonstrate that pornography is destructive to individuals, relationships, and society. He provides insightful arguments, supported by the latest scientific research, to discredit the fanciful claims used to defend and promote pornography." Cause I need more understanding of what I have done to myself and how it has hurt my relationship. Than I can tackle shame/guilt

Hows that book hitting you? Is it a good read? way to be procactive man. I make it a part of my daily habit to read something recovery related and being willing to have it in my life has made a huge difference in my journey thus far.