Our addictions are rooted in trauma

If you can't address the trauma, then you can never truly get rid of the addiction. It's simply a self-medicating mechanism to cope with emotional pain. I have been an addict since I was 13 years old and I'm 21 years old now. I completely understand the mechanisms of addiction and I have been in therapy and actively working on my mental health for years. Needless to say, I am still here. I am still addicted and I still keep relapsing. I have been PMO and addiction free for long stretches of time, like 200 days + by sheer force of will, but I haven't been able to free myself. The problem is that I am still in so much emotional pain that I don't know how to cope. Waking up everyday is a hell for me. I don't enjoy anything in life and I have nobody whom I can trust for emotional support. For me my life is trying to achieve things that I can only achieve if I am emotionally well. And because I am not emotionally well, I either have to force myself to ignore my feelings and to show up to my responsibilities everyday or allow myself to completely collapse. Porn and sexting for me are a way of controlling my emotions. A very poor way. I know it's bad for me, I know my stress and depression get quadrupled after a binge, but still I do it. It's hopeless. Completely hopeless. I have been fighting addiction for 7 years and I don't think I will ever get rid of it, because I cannot resolve my emotional pain and trauma. My family has cast me out and I am unable to make lasting friendships because I'm too depressed. I have tried everything from "Just work out and meditate bro" to therapy and medication. I am stuck in a vicious cycle that I can't break. I don't even hate my life anymore, I am too jaded to even cry or get angry. I am just weary and I sincirely hope that one of these days I won't wake up anymore.

 

Thank you so much for this.