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Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by DarkSektur, Mar 30, 2018.
Can you listen to music and enjoy it throughout your journey?
Here, buddy. I more or less have a very similar story to yours. I never was a heavy PMO addict. I would only do it once or twice a week. However, I did binge on PMO heavily from August 2018 to December 2018. I would beat my meat to extreme and violent porn up to 6 times a day. I never did any sort of drugs in life (not even alcohol). Once I stopped PMO of my own volition. I was hit by several withdrawal symptoms. I did not know they were caused by abstaining from PMO so I thought there was something wrong with me. My symptoms are depression, anxiety & panic attacks, extreme insomnia, fear, negative thinking, brain fog, depersonalisation, derealisation, pessimism, hopelessness, anhedonia, and worst of all suicidal thoughts. It's been 62 days since I last PMOed. I still suffer from mood swings (especially during mornings), brain fog, difficulty concentrating, anxiety, light insomnia, etc. And I hope I most of these go subside soon as I am still in university and my future depends on my concentration and cognitive abilities now.
I've had all of those symptoms apart from anxiety and panic attacks and extreme insomnia (mine is quite light). I'm also studying for degree, and I too fear about my performances. But my word it requires so much will power.
how is everyone going these days?
The past few days have been really severe and nearly physically sickening for me. I think it was induced by my SpeedDating event that I went to on Wednesday night. I met someone there that I seemed to get on with and she seemed interested in getting to know me. However, after she asked me about my ethnicity and where I come from, she seemed to lose interest after I told her. I'm pretty sure it was because of that.
It's quite demoralizing to the self-esteem when you get rejected just because of an abstract concept such as nationality!
Sorry to hear that buddy. Sounds like she wasn't worth your time anyways then
This streak has surprisingly been relatively smooth so far. I’ve had some on-again-off-again withdrawal symptoms but overall have had more good days than bad. I’m mentally preparing myself for a major flatline to hit though at any time. I’m not giving in like I’ve done before...
Ive been doing good lately. Recently I hit my two year mark pmo free and a few days before that I was getting some urges to pmo. Oddly close to my two year mark. I did not submit to the urges and I made it. This pmo addiction is hard to control because the feelings we feel (men liking women, women liking men, etc) is linked to our nature that keeping ourselves from pmoing is difficult but possible. The hard thing to do is finding a way to block out sexual thoughts of say I see a pretty women or I see a nice body.
I will admit I still have trouble doing that but the intensity of me wanting to pmo after seeing females in real life or on magazines etc., has substantially diminished.
I will of course, in my opinion, continue to have some of these thoughts because I love women and as a straight man, most of us will have sexual urges. Its in our nature. Unless youre asexual etc.
I began my current streak on the 1st of February, so I'm approaching the two-month milestone now. I'm not seeing any marked changes, sadly, but that was to be expected. I'll need at least a year, no doubt. Urges have been weak, at least as far as P is concerned, and I haven't looked at any after beginning this journey. However, sexual fantasies keep resurfacing. Every morning. They always strike right after I wake up, when I'm laying in bed and preparing to get up. I'm weak to resist them at this time, because my mind is foggy (more so than usual) and I'm too sleepy to get out of bed. It's caused me to edge on a few occasions (never for too long, though; I eventually get mad at myself and tear myself out of bed), and I'm not sure how to approach it. Has anyone here had similar issues, and how did they respond to the urges while dealing with the brain fog at the same time?
Also, I'm in the bad habit of sleeping too late, which is something I'm correcting. It's definitely a piece to the puzzle, along with exercise and proper diet.
Yeah, I think less of her now. But nonetheless, the harsh reality is that I've 'discovered' a handicap that I can't do much about.
Anyway, the past few days and today has been really frightening. My anger has intensified. (Not least because I've been putting on unexplained weight that the doctors are not helping me with). I've been ruminating and angry inside pretty much all day. This afternoon, while on the bus home, I sat by my own (it was 17:00 and as usual, all through out my life, this signals the end of my day (Back home I go!! ) and started ruminating, mostly about how me missing out on my 20's, and now most of my 30's, on having sex - this was induced by seeing, as usual in the summer, young people together (young women nude and lucky men who will be having sex with them). Anyway, this rumination took hold of me and I aggressively banged the bus window - it happened in a flash! One moment I'm ruminating inside, and then the next... BANG! My fist hits the window of the bus! There were other passengers there, but no body made a comment. (I almost certain that I would have told them to fuck off).
This isn't good at all. I feel so fucking angry, suicidal and sick. (to the point now where I don't have any appetite because food makes me feel sick now - I don't know why).
Basically, I'm fucked up. I feel closer to suicide. All I want is to find a female that I can be intimate with (and this doesn't just mean sex, of course!), while still young. I have only four more years before I hit 40.
I would seriously suggest speaking to someone or getting professional help if you feel suicidal man.
I've seen the Psychiatrist for an initial session? You want to know what happened?
He gave a number to call (a mental health organization saying 'they're really, really good. Call them' x2 )
So I call that number a few times, and the number is always busy for a long time. It open M-F 9 am to 16:40 and there is only one person answering the phone!
It's not straightforward seeing a doctor, let alone mental health consultant.
I can relate as I am still a virgin at 26. I sometimes feel the way you do about seeing others have relationships and missing out but ive had too much on my plate to be able to even go out and seek a woman. I know this sounds cliche but you need to work on yourself first man. I notice the sinking negative mood, pmo had on me, on you.
You say you feel youre in a bad mood? Well you can do something about it. Not to sound like a dick but if you do something about it instead of wallowing in the mire you'd be surprised what you can get done.
Before I even started NoFap I kept pmoing and told myself I cant do this anymore. I tried quiting about 4 times until I made it to the sobriety I have now. Let me tell you that was one of the most profound moments in my 26 years of life.
I also stopped alcohol, cannabis, opiates, etc., because of the way these things affected my thinking.
Ive been diagnosed with major depression since before I even watched porn or took any drug. Ive been sober for 3 years from all drugs including nicotine, strong doses of caffeine, and I eat healthy.
I took up exercise about 2 years ago and ive been working out mon-fri that whole time. Ive maybe missed two weeks from those two years to rest or other things.
Even though I did all of that my depression and suicide is still there. I told my self I would quit pmo as well to see if my depression went away. It did not.
BUT it lessened the depressions hold it had on me. I already accepted the fact that I may never be able to be "cured" from depression for the rest of my life, and im okay with that.
The only thing that matters to me is what am I going to do about it.
Believe me man dont wallow in that mire. It will not get you anywhere.
I see youre 160 days in, keep going but add new things to your regimen. Try exercise. Theres a good book that I recommend to you its called "Can't Hurt Me" By David Goggins.
Fantastic book, I recommend that too. Self improvement is the way forward for people like us.
I lost a potential girlfriend back in my heavy pmo consumption days. I knew the girl a long time(prior pmo) but never took things serious. By 2015 we made plan to see each other instead texting all the time. As soon she saw me, I've noticed she become different and aloof. Then I've started being needy asf and questioned our status. So we decided to let go... once i got a good streak on nofap, ive noticed things started changing like deeper voice, masculinity, no neediness, skin cleaned. Afterward I took nofap for granted and back to misery till this day I'm in a fight against this shitty addiction.
Thanks. Unfortuntatley the feeling of bad mood no longer feels psychological - it feels more innate now, it's biological.
I'm not sure if you know how the difference feels.
Lets be clear here, thinking you have a handicap is the wrong way to go about it. There are many girls out there buddy that don't think like that. There are many loving people out there that like you for who you are and only want the best for you.
Id like to point out to you that none of us are really experts here. Most of us don't know what we are really talking about but we are doing our best to give out advice. I would highly recommend sticking with a psychiatrist or therapist if you can, so i would maybe look for a new one in your case as the last one didn't seem to help much. Just remember that this is only a porn recovery forum and a lot of us have gone through similar symptoms at some stage. But everyone is different and depression can be caused by so many things.
In saying that i can recommend some things that might help. A lot of times depression can be caused by how you are living your life. Thoughts and emotions or shame or hatred for your own life can send you further down. I would start small. Forget about girls for a while and try to get your life on the right track. Start with keeping your house in order, Make sure your living space is clean and respectable. Do that consistently for a few weeks then build up from there. Once you have that down add exercise at least for a few days a week, even if its just walking around the block. From there im sure you can check out a lot of other things you could do to improve your life online and gradually build up. Eventually you will look back and say, "wow, look how far ive managed to come doing all these small improvements".
Maybe something else in your life is causing depression, though you won't be able to tell until you at least have your life in a bit of order. Ill say again this is only advice based on my own life so i could be way off. But just know depression is only temporary. It could last a long time but if you're working at it day by day know that things can improve for yourself.
Fantastic, what a huge achievement. Well done. It sounds like you are not quite out of the woods yet but you're almost there. Do you have any lingering mental symptoms or PIED? Or is it just urges you are still having a little bit of trouble with?
You're certainly on the right path. Two months is a great achievement, well done. You need to look at yourself more closely at where you are letting yourself slip up. Edging is very bad and could be the reason why you are not seeing much progress yet. You have identified when it happens and why, all you need is a solution. Maybe try puting your phone in another room or out of sight so at least you have to get up first to go and get it. Or maybe jump straight into the shower when you wake up. What ever works for you. In regards to urges i shut them down as soon as they come because i know i don't want to be that person anymore. Hopefully that helps a bit, keep up the good work !
This is very solid advice. I would advise similarly to start with self improvement and don’t focus on girls for awhile, but on making yourself the best version. Hit the gym, do nofap, gain power, confidence, peace of mind, build yourself, cold showers, eating healthy, so in due time you will be ready and able to attract a girl
I am keeping myself (and my space) clean, tidy and reaching the highest standard possible for me.
In fact, I'm struggling to think of any improvements that I can add to the facets of my life.
Money - I'm keeping my cost as lows as possible and as I'm currently living at home (looking to move out in august) I'm saving a lot of money. The problem is finding a job that pays better.
Career/Education - I have a decent enough job but it' really stressful and so I'm looking to change it. I study online for psychology degree to help me improve my career prospects and earnings (and therefore more chance of a quality relationship with a woman!).
Looks/body - I can't do too much about my looks (Lost most of my hair!). But I have a decent enough body as I'm a regular gym goer. (however, I noticed that I getting less of the 'pump' at the gym and so my all important testosterone levels are reducing sharply! )
Personality/hobbies - I used to have a light-hearted and funny persona, but unfortunately due to 20 odds years of not establishing any meaningful personal and intimate relationships, I've become this depressed zombie, who is also irritable and angry. Sometimes I can be in a good mood, but those are well and truly outnumbered by the negative moods. I don't have motivation to do hobbies (as I also have anhedonia and I'm fed up of doing things alone), unfortunately the lack of hobbies is stopping me from building rapport with potential GFs.
Mind - I try and incorporate as many practices as possible to help my mind (CBT, breathing, mindfulness, etc), but it's so hard when my mind has been used to a constant negative moods.
Women - I go speeddating once or twice a month - a good practice of getting used to women.
I guess the next logical step now is to try and find a hobbie or two. I'm thinking about practicing playing the piano, but I'm just so demotivated about that.