Where Do I Start?

W

We CAN Do This!

Fapstronaut
So I relapsed twice to day, both times to porn which is unusual for me, and I lost a 5 day streak (fuckkkk) but that's not what I'm posting about.

Basically, I know what I want to do right know. I know what I want to achieve in life and with NoFap, and I know that I want to get rid of my porn addiction, and become a more confident, healthy person.

The thing is that I just don't know where to draw the line between the person I am now and the person I aspire to be. Where do I begin to change myself for the better?

The only way I can put this is:

I want to get hold of my life, but I don't know where to grab it.

I know what I want, I know who I want to be and I even kind of know how to get it, but whenever I feel like I'm trying to change, I realize after a few weeks that I'm no different and I'm not changing at all.

I want to improve my life but whatever I try doesn't make any difference. I've probably unofficially been trying NoFap for over a year now. My best streak? 9 days.

I know how serious the problem is. I know what the problem is. I know the triggers, and I can even feel in my stomach when I'm going to relapse, but the weird thing? Nothing I ever do changes the fact that I can't quit it.

Nothing I do prevents relapses, nothing I do makes me feel healthier, and nothing I do makes my life better.

I have friends, but they don't hang out. I have goals, but don't have motivation to achieve them. I have hobbies but I can't find ways to express them. I know who i want to be but can never seem to change who I am. I feel like I'm nobody.

I've had a really horrible day today for a few reasons, and when I woke up this morning I planned for it to be such a good day and now it's all ruined. I also promised myself that I wouldn't relapse before my trip to London next week, but bye bye streak! I'm going to spent my day in London probably tired, spaced out and not enjoying it like I used to

Someone just help please this is becoming a joke recently o_O
 
Are you sure you really know what you really want "to achieve in life and NoFap"?

Take a pen and a paper, switch off your phone, get away from everything that could distract you and spend an hour thinking about what you really want and write it down, make a list. I am not talking about what society or your parents and friends want for you. I'm talking about what YOU want deep inside. Notice that I'm talking about an hour of clear focus on this topic... Do it for 2, 3 or more hours if you're not able to completely focus.

A few days after, do it again. If within those fews days you haven't done anything to step closer to one of your goals, erase it from the list. If you're not able to dedicate a few mins over 4-5 days to achieve one of your goals, it means that it is not a priority for you. Deep inside your don't want it, otherwise you would have this extra motivation to act on it or a least to start acting on it.

Repeat until you have a list full of goals you're ready to accomplished.

You will notice that it both forces you to rethink your goals but also to focus more on your goals as you will have them in your mind more often. Some people need think kind of meditation.
 
JegErFransk said:
Are you sure you really know what you really want "to achieve in life and NoFap"?

Take a pen and a paper, switch off your phone, get away from everything that could distract you and spend an hour thinking about what you really want and write it down, make a list. I am not talking about what society or your parents and friends want for you. I'm talking about what YOU want deep inside. Notice that I'm talking about an hour of clear focus on this topic... Do it for 2, 3 or more hours if you're not able to completely focus.

A few days after, do it again. If within those fews days you haven't done anything to step closer to one of your goals, erase it from the list. If you're not able to dedicate a few mins over 4-5 days to achieve one of your goals, it means that it is not a priority for you. Deep inside your don't want it, otherwise you would have this extra motivation to act on it or a least to start acting on it.

Repeat until you have a list full of goals you're ready to accomplished.

You will notice that it both forces you to rethink your goals but also to focus more on your goals as you will have them in your mind more often. Some people need think kind of meditation.
Click to expand...


Thanks, this is an amazing idea!

One question, you say that I should erase it if I don't act on it, but what if I really want something in the future, such as moving to London (a huge, huge, huge dream of mine). I'm only 16 and I can't really act on this as it's something that needs to happen in the future. Do I find a way to act on it or still erase it?

Thanks so much!!
 
When it comes to long term goals, it's not about the ultimate goal, it's about the journey to achieve this goal.

You won't relocate to a new city if you don't create yourself the opportunity to move there. For example if you work hard to enroll in an University offering an exchange program to London or a London based University then you'll be acting on your goal. The moment you're already packing doesn't count because your goal is already achieved.
 
JegErFransk said:
When it comes to long term goals, it's not about the ultimate goal, it's about the journey to achieve this goal.

You won't relocate to a new city if you don't create yourself the opportunity to move there. For example if you work hard to enroll in an University offering an exchange program to London or a London based University then you'll be acting on your goal. The moment you're already packing doesn't count because your goal is already achieved.
Click to expand...

Thanks for explaining. It's really helped and also really opened my eyes to what I should be focusing on in life.

Thanks! :)
 
It all starts in the mind.

I want you to take a mental stock of your current circumstances in life. The bad habits (and good habits) you have. The money you earn. The job you have. The friends you keep. Your relationships with your friends and family. The possessions you have. The daily things you do.

Can you not agree that most of those circumstances are a result of your actions?

Well where did those actions originate? From your decisions.

What made you make those decisions? Your thoughts and feelings.

So the circumstances you have now, are an indirect result of things that have been going on in your mind for a lot longer.

So the first step I always advise people to start with is meditation. Get the mind in check, and the other pieces will gradually fall into place. When I got through my addiction to drugs back in early 2015, I started meditating daily shortly after, and most of the other improvements I made to my life since then can be traced back to meditation. I started exercising, eating more and eating healthy, facing my fears, doing NoFap, started a business doing what I love, started loving my life etc.. but meditation was the keystone habit that set the ball rolling.

So consider it! It all starts in the mind.
 
JesusGreen said:
So the first step I always advise people to start with is meditation. Get the mind in check, and the other pieces will gradually fall into place. When I got through my addiction to drugs back in early 2015, I started meditating daily shortly after, and most of the other improvements I made to my life since then can be traced back to meditation. I started exercising, eating more and eating healthy, facing my fears, doing NoFap, started a business doing what I love, started loving my life etc.. but meditation was the keystone habit that set the ball rolling.

So consider it! It all starts in the mind.
Click to expand...

Hey!

Thanks for this, it's really helped me take all aspects of my life into consideration.

What is your advice on meditation? I've never really tried all that spiritual stuff with meditation etc. but I'd love to try it.

What techniques to you use to meditate? How long for? What do you focus on/think about?

Thanks!
 
I Need Help said:
Hey!

Thanks for this, it's really helped me take all aspects of my life into consideration.

What is your advice on meditation? I've never really tried all that spiritual stuff with meditation etc. but I'd love to try it.

What techniques to you use to meditate? How long for? What do you focus on/think about?

Thanks!
Click to expand...

Sit comfortably.
Watch your breathing.
Any time you find yourself distracted from watching your breathing, return to watching your breathing.

That's really all there is to it, but to go a little deeper:
  • Sit comfortably: You can sit in any position, as long as you're comfortable. I don't suggest laying down because 1) the mind has a tendency to wander more when you lay down, and 2) there's a chance of falling asleep. Eyes can be open or closed, it doesn't matter, so it's down to personal preference or the situation. Some people will find with eyes closed they get too relaxed and drift off to sleep, so keeping their eyes open is better. Some people will find keeping their eyes open is too distracting, so closing their eyes is better. For me it depends on where and when I'm meditating. Sometimes I meditate with eyes open, sometimes with eyes closed.
  • Watch your breathing: Pay attention to your breath as it comes and goes, rises and falls. Don't try to control it, but if you find yourself in control of it, then that's okay too, just breathe naturally and deeply, paying attention to each breath as it happens.
  • Any time you find yourself distracted from watching your breathing, return to watching your breathing: If you find yourself getting caught up in thought, or looking around your room, or focusing on anything else aside from your breathing, simply notice that, and go back to your breathing immediately. As a beginner especially you will likely find that this happens constantly. You focus on your breathing for a few seconds, then moments later you realise you've been caught up in thought for a while. As soon as you notice, you bring your attention back to your breathing. It remains there for another few seconds, but then you get caught up in thought again. So you bring your attention back to your breathing once again. As long as you notice and correct immediately, and make a continued effort to return your attention to your breathing, it doesn't matter how many times you get distracted, you're still meditating correctly. Don't question or judge whether you're meditating correctly, or the content of those thoughts, or anything, just keep watching your breath.
As for how long you should meditate: The longer you can meditate, the better, but it might take some getting used to. It's better to meditate for 5 minutes every day than to meditate for 20 minutes once a week. So start with whatever you can comfortably manage to do daily, and work up from there.
 
JesusGreen said:
Sit comfortably.
Watch your breathing.
Any time you find yourself distracted from watching your breathing, return to watching your breathing.

That's really all there is to it, but to go a little deeper:
  • Sit comfortably: You can sit in any position, as long as you're comfortable. I don't suggest laying down because 1) the mind has a tendency to wander more when you lay down, and 2) there's a chance of falling asleep. Eyes can be open or closed, it doesn't matter, so it's down to personal preference or the situation. Some people will find with eyes closed they get too relaxed and drift off to sleep, so keeping their eyes open is better. Some people will find keeping their eyes open is too distracting, so closing their eyes is better. For me it depends on where and when I'm meditating. Sometimes I meditate with eyes open, sometimes with eyes closed.
  • Watch your breathing: Pay attention to your breath as it comes and goes, rises and falls. Don't try to control it, but if you find yourself in control of it, then that's okay too, just breathe naturally and deeply, paying attention to each breath as it happens.
  • Any time you find yourself distracted from watching your breathing, return to watching your breathing: If you find yourself getting caught up in thought, or looking around your room, or focusing on anything else aside from your breathing, simply notice that, and go back to your breathing immediately. As a beginner especially you will likely find that this happens constantly. You focus on your breathing for a few seconds, then moments later you realise you've been caught up in thought for a while. As soon as you notice, you bring your attention back to your breathing. It remains there for another few seconds, but then you get caught up in thought again. So you bring your attention back to your breathing once again. As long as you notice and correct immediately, and make a continued effort to return your attention to your breathing, it doesn't matter how many times you get distracted, you're still meditating correctly. Don't question or judge whether you're meditating correctly, or the content of those thoughts, or anything, just keep watching your breath.
As for how long you should meditate: The longer you can meditate, the better, but it might take some getting used to. It's better to meditate for 5 minutes every day than to meditate for 20 minutes once a week. So start with whatever you can comfortably manage to do daily, and work up from there.
Click to expand...

Thanks :) I look forward to getting into it and trying to iron out the bumps in my mind.
 
JegErFransk said:
Are you sure you really know what you really want "to achieve in life and NoFap"?

Take a pen and a paper, switch off your phone, get away from everything that could distract you and spend an hour thinking about what you really want and write it down, make a list. I am not talking about what society or your parents and friends want for you. I'm talking about what YOU want deep inside. Notice that I'm talking about an hour of clear focus on this topic... Do it for 2, 3 or more hours if you're not able to completely focus.

A few days after, do it again. If within those fews days you haven't done anything to step closer to one of your goals, erase it from the list. If you're not able to dedicate a few mins over 4-5 days to achieve one of your goals, it means that it is not a priority for you. Deep inside your don't want it, otherwise you would have this extra motivation to act on it or a least to start acting on it.

Repeat until you have a list full of goals you're ready to accomplished.

You will notice that it both forces you to rethink your goals but also to focus more on your goals as you will have them in your mind more often. Some people need think kind of meditation.
Click to expand...

I really like this idea. I wonder about one thing though. Some of us are lazy. Some are chronic procrastinators. Some of us don't value ourselves enough and so don't do anything towards our goals (however realthose goals are for us). I have no idea if any of this applies to the OP, but it all applies to me:)

So, my question is: is listing our goals enough? Shouldn't one also list something one can do towards it? I find that I need to work or those steps in advance often, then I have s specific thing I can make myself do. Otherwise I'd run out of goals:)
 
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