Hello guys, I'm having a hard time in my personal life and I feel like it will help me a lot if some of you could just give me some of your time to read my story, thank you I'm in a relationship since 3 years ago, even thou we're happy together and we love each other I've been feeling my personal problems have overtaken my life with my girlfriend. I always had a porn addicion since little, which ended up prefering that instead of having to interact with females because of feeling ashamed of myself. My main problem is I feel evaluated for everything, which means I can't feel 100% comfortable with anyone. Because of having explored too much porn and also, having tried the experience of escots (before relationship) multiple times, I ended up with this feeling that my personality (affectuous and caring) doesn't match with my sexual urges, which include a lot of disrespectful and kinky shit towards women. I feel I like stuff I wouldn't even think about doing to my gf because of how objectifying it is. This led me to a point where I started geting on online chats just to be able to masturbate thinking of those kinks without feeling my emotions involved in the process. I just want to experience normal sex, affective sex, with my girlfriend, without feeling incredibly bad for having certain thoughts cross my mind. I tend to let my thoughts define who I am, and I hate myself because of that. I put so much effort in being my best version on one side but, on the other side, feeling such a bad person becausd of certain thoughts makes me actually want to hurt myself emmotionally and be what I hate the most. The problem now is, sometimes, some bad times, I feel so terribly engaged in this thought of "I need to do all this bad things to unknown women" that I felt so bad I ended up causing this situation I went to an escort a couple days ago, being in a relationship with my girlfriend. It felt awful and actually didn't make any change in any of my urges, but of course, now I feel I'm a betrayer. A double betrayer actually because, a year ago, I alread confessed going into chats to my GF and she was very understanding. I could fix it for some months but, as soon as I felt insecure again, I felt worse and worse and started chating again, deeper and deeper. I don't want this behaviour to repeat, I feel I crossed a line, and the only thing I want is to let my gf know how much I love her, every day, in the smallest details. Should I tell her? I feel I should, but also, I think it would only damage her. I know it can sound really bad but, I feel I won't have the opportunity to prove her I want to make a change in me if I confess now. I just don't understand how can I love so much someone and yet do this. I feel like a bastard who doesn't deserve anything. I'd really appreciate your opinion. Sorry for the long post.