She did neither of these. Perhaps there was an ultimatum in there that I needed to change. But fundamentally she offered her support. It required me to see that I had a problem and admit it. The secret had to come out, the lying had to stop. Perhaps in your husbands case the stonewalling or avoidance is what he has to overcome. Your challenge to have him find recovery on his own is to break through that. I was similar in that regard and was an expert at clamming up, or walking away. I can say what gave me the tools to recover with my wife was utilizing what we learned by working through the book,” the 7 principles of making marriage work” published by the gottman institute. We worked on this 4 years before, after I disclosed about a one night stand I had. She knew I had a P problem then, but I was unwilling to see it or admit it.