AModernMiroku
Fapstronaut
Friends, peace,
This entry is meant to cover in detail the 12th consecutive 90 day streak (which would be marked at DAY 1080).
Because I am late to the posting, I decided to also commemorate 3 Years of No PMO, as stated in the title itself--but the analysis will definitely focus on the 90 day period.
As usual, here are some links to add context to my journey:
My Journal
90 Days of No PMO Success Story
180 Days of No PMO Success Story
365 Days of No PMO Success Story
450 Days of No PMO Success Story
540 Days of No PMO Success Story
630 Days of No PMO Success Story
720 Days of No PMO Success Story
810 Days of No PMO Success Story
900 Days of No PMO Success Story
1000 Days of No PMO Success Story
There is a lot to cover, so I am going to quickly review my journal.
Given my lack of memory of this time-frame--again, I suspect that it was a fairly "generic" time. That is to say, things were mostly consistent. There were no great highs or great lows.
I think that, overall, this is a sign of progress. There is stability.
But we shall see in what follows below!
So follows a collection of quotes for "research":
The very start of this streak was rather bleak:
General themes of work stress & tiredness seem common.
The glum situation & temptations seemed like a theme at the start.
The greater heat & general conditions did not help. It is a lot harder when the temperature allows for less articles to be worn.
The same in 993:
And 994:
A mixed bag, with trial & hope...& a LotR-book themed inspiration:
More on 998...man, there were a lot of trials at the start? I must have forgotten them...
From this point, near 1000 mark ironically, things seem (so far) to get better.
DAY 1004 had a positive vignette:
The balance I was referring to shows itself:
But not too longer thereafter, the challenges mount again:
I struggle a lot with comparison. It made an appearance several times:
Another glimmer of hope amidst the mundane:
A noteworthy victory:
Advent came & went. This time was marked by shorter posts & seemingly less problems. I was more focused during this time.
DAY 1063 seemed rough. And DAY 1065. And into DAY 1066 (at which point, I have a short comment worth posting):
And the rest of the time seemed to improve. Its conclusion was after a Merry Christmas Day--so things seemed to improve from that point.
Other things:
-Finished basically 3 books
-Physique seemed to visibly improve from workouts
-Had great rest from Christmas & time off work (seemingly necessary)
I guess the time was actually much more difficult than I remembered! A bumpy road, indeed!
I am not sure what to make of it!
Guess I am not as great as I think, eh?
But...I persevered--&, so far, am having a good start to this next year of NoFap.
I guess this really just became a re-cap of the 90 Days rather than a deeper, personal analysis. It took long enough to peruse the writings. I think it speaks for itself, at this point.
Therefore, I say:
Persevere! Do not give up!
Ask for support!
Call for in-real-life assistance.
Stay social!
Stay motivated!
Stay balanced with activities!
If anyone has questions, as usual, I will try to answer them.
Please pray for me!
God bless,
A Modern Miroku
1/14/23: Some EDITS:
-More like I read 2 books. There was some overlap between the bordering 90 day challenges. Started a book on the preceding 90; finished a book on the following 90. Overall, though, a good thing.
-Upon reflection, a lot of difficulty has stemmed from both WORK & WORKING OUT.
>>>Work: I have really continued to push myself. This has yielded more profits, etc., but it has been stressful & time-consuming. Work has felt more & more...like work! So much of my energy has been given to it...
>>>Working Out: The difficulty does not usually rest in seeing others (for I tend to work out alone) but rather in simply feeling (I hate to use the modern expression) "sexy". I do not look like a superstar or an athlete, but the additional strength & gains have been true enough, & my vanity & sensuality can more easily become wild in such states. Aside: sometimes working out seems like a lose-lose. If you do not work out, you have pent-up energy & less health--which both lead to acting out, often enough. If you do work out, you have great virility & better health--which both tend to lead to a healthy sexual system & other things besides. I digress!
This entry is meant to cover in detail the 12th consecutive 90 day streak (which would be marked at DAY 1080).
Because I am late to the posting, I decided to also commemorate 3 Years of No PMO, as stated in the title itself--but the analysis will definitely focus on the 90 day period.
As usual, here are some links to add context to my journey:
My Journal
90 Days of No PMO Success Story
180 Days of No PMO Success Story
365 Days of No PMO Success Story
450 Days of No PMO Success Story
540 Days of No PMO Success Story
630 Days of No PMO Success Story
720 Days of No PMO Success Story
810 Days of No PMO Success Story
900 Days of No PMO Success Story
1000 Days of No PMO Success Story
There is a lot to cover, so I am going to quickly review my journal.
Given my lack of memory of this time-frame--again, I suspect that it was a fairly "generic" time. That is to say, things were mostly consistent. There were no great highs or great lows.
I think that, overall, this is a sign of progress. There is stability.
But we shall see in what follows below!
So follows a collection of quotes for "research":
The very start of this streak was rather bleak:
"It was another long day. The start went well enough--but work was so, so difficult. I am getting back into older ways. Glum. Resurgence of body aches. &c.
The bit of happiness was not long lasting--& it seems to be receding. I do think a lot of it is work stress. Other things--like the "what am I doing with my life" question--play a part, too.
Like on today's feast of St. Vincent de Paul. His life was service to the full. I look at the saint's life, & I ask...what am I doing?...
I do almost nothing for anyone, it seems. I am cold & selfish. I am weak & cowardly. But St. Vincent served the poor & those who were very ungracious, to say the least.
Anyway.
I was dead tired after work (which I stayed late at, only to have almost nothing accomplished...), & I crashed on the couch immediately.
I eventually forced myself to eat. Then, I hung out with a priest friend. This was good. I wish it were longer, & we had time to rest & be merry & of lighter spirits.
Now, I am back, & I am still tired & not too happy."
The bit of happiness was not long lasting--& it seems to be receding. I do think a lot of it is work stress. Other things--like the "what am I doing with my life" question--play a part, too.
Like on today's feast of St. Vincent de Paul. His life was service to the full. I look at the saint's life, & I ask...what am I doing?...
I do almost nothing for anyone, it seems. I am cold & selfish. I am weak & cowardly. But St. Vincent served the poor & those who were very ungracious, to say the least.
Anyway.
I was dead tired after work (which I stayed late at, only to have almost nothing accomplished...), & I crashed on the couch immediately.
I eventually forced myself to eat. Then, I hung out with a priest friend. This was good. I wish it were longer, & we had time to rest & be merry & of lighter spirits.
Now, I am back, & I am still tired & not too happy."
General themes of work stress & tiredness seem common.
The glum situation & temptations seemed like a theme at the start.
The greater heat & general conditions did not help. It is a lot harder when the temperature allows for less articles to be worn.
"Temptations continue to be a bit of a trial. Yesterday, there was a fellow wearing fairly short shorts, & I kept failing in keeping my eyes away. His movements & postures just kept highlighting his frame too much.
I am sure there are other similar examples. It has been rough in that department.
Of course, the fetish has been on the mind, too. When I am particularly lonely or extremely bored (but mainly lonely), it can be more of a trial. I know well that it would be a time of high exhilaration. And that besides, as I have said, I could probably arrange hanging out with other guys. If not one right away, then, one or more if I wait.
And the fetish is not too expensive--it would be an experience that would cost little but would flow over into the future.
Anyway, that has been a bother.
And, well, I am tired. As such, this post is, again, a little boring--sorry for the lack of quality. There were some good things, but not many. And I wish to move on & not write as much."
I am sure there are other similar examples. It has been rough in that department.
Of course, the fetish has been on the mind, too. When I am particularly lonely or extremely bored (but mainly lonely), it can be more of a trial. I know well that it would be a time of high exhilaration. And that besides, as I have said, I could probably arrange hanging out with other guys. If not one right away, then, one or more if I wait.
And the fetish is not too expensive--it would be an experience that would cost little but would flow over into the future.
Anyway, that has been a bother.
And, well, I am tired. As such, this post is, again, a little boring--sorry for the lack of quality. There were some good things, but not many. And I wish to move on & not write as much."
The same in 993:
"It feels better already to vent. But suffice to say, I have just felt such a draw, & it is annoying, & it is embarrassing, & it feels like such a drawback.
But anyway. Some wounds are not to be healed in this life--& I do not bemoan that fact. Things come at a cost, & the cross is real."
But anyway. Some wounds are not to be healed in this life--& I do not bemoan that fact. Things come at a cost, & the cross is real."
And 994:
"As for temptations...
They have been still a fire. I just feel so...alive & full to the brim with manly vitality. It has been tough, & I wish I have kept better control of my thoughts (for it is indeed possible to achieve much in this, & it becomes easier with continued practice). The fetish, in particular, has been annoying.
I cannot help but feel, oftentimes, that I am falling behind in progress. I know--or I strongly believe--that I have been better in the past. It just goes to show that weeds can grow back in the garden if the gardener grows lazy."
They have been still a fire. I just feel so...alive & full to the brim with manly vitality. It has been tough, & I wish I have kept better control of my thoughts (for it is indeed possible to achieve much in this, & it becomes easier with continued practice). The fetish, in particular, has been annoying.
I cannot help but feel, oftentimes, that I am falling behind in progress. I know--or I strongly believe--that I have been better in the past. It just goes to show that weeds can grow back in the garden if the gardener grows lazy."
A mixed bag, with trial & hope...& a LotR-book themed inspiration:
"As for temptations: These things continue to be a struggle. The fantasies come quickly & without effort--these are kind of mingled with memories (so, old memories returning or otherwise old memories morphing into newer variants). Subtle movements cause inordinate stimulation as well. The desire to get fetish stuff & MO has been on the mind a lot. It would be easy to get even merely decent things quick enough (& it would only take a weekend to get high end stuff)--that is to say, the temptation is within grasp & "sustainable", so to say. The morning and even now would have been ideal times for it.
The main thing keeping me back from it is the simple thought, "It is a lie."
It kind of reminds me of Sam Gamgee's line about using the Ring. He has it in his possession & has used it. He gets clever & wonders if he should use it again. After reflecting on the Ring, he concludes that maybe all of the powers & greatness could actually come from it. But none of that mattered. He concluded, "And anyway all these notions are only a trick".
That is what is getting me out here. My thoughts--even if warped--still create pleasure. That much is true. But where does it go?...could all of it come to reality.
Aye, all these notions are only a trick.
Nobody wants to be Gollum. And that is where these things go.
But, nonetheless, my mind has been torn over embarrassing things. And it has been hard. And I have felt it.
But I have had peace--my prayer time was actually quite focused. And other times, besides. But the sensations are still very strong. A part of me thinks that this might be one of those cycles that I have written about elsewhere (diverse variables leading to a build-up that beckons release [& wherein, I argue, that for healthy young-enough men, any possible re-absorption rate is likely negligible])."
The main thing keeping me back from it is the simple thought, "It is a lie."
It kind of reminds me of Sam Gamgee's line about using the Ring. He has it in his possession & has used it. He gets clever & wonders if he should use it again. After reflecting on the Ring, he concludes that maybe all of the powers & greatness could actually come from it. But none of that mattered. He concluded, "And anyway all these notions are only a trick".
That is what is getting me out here. My thoughts--even if warped--still create pleasure. That much is true. But where does it go?...could all of it come to reality.
Aye, all these notions are only a trick.
Nobody wants to be Gollum. And that is where these things go.
But, nonetheless, my mind has been torn over embarrassing things. And it has been hard. And I have felt it.
But I have had peace--my prayer time was actually quite focused. And other times, besides. But the sensations are still very strong. A part of me thinks that this might be one of those cycles that I have written about elsewhere (diverse variables leading to a build-up that beckons release [& wherein, I argue, that for healthy young-enough men, any possible re-absorption rate is likely negligible])."
More on 998...man, there were a lot of trials at the start? I must have forgotten them...
From this point, near 1000 mark ironically, things seem (so far) to get better.
DAY 1004 had a positive vignette:
"Yesterday was brilliant. A slow time mainly of low cost food of decent quality (at least so goes taste--healthy, not so much).
I had a good array in hopes to prepare for diverse tastes, & my timing was decent. And so, there was friendly food & drink with a warm atmosphere. Relaxed in lighting. No tech, as tends to be my place overall.
It was nice just to treat his visit like a feast day. He even commented that it was not a feast day of high import--& yet, we still celebrated as if it were. I justified his visit for it all, & he justified his own take with respect to my hospitality.
And into what city soever you enter, and they receive you, eat such things as are set before you.
Hard to capture how good it was. It was as if time were lengthened in the visit. We sat at a small table, dined, drank, & spoke. Calm, no rushing, no agenda. Just us, by & by.
Roommate did join--but it was good to have him absorbed into the festivity.
Eventually retired."
I had a good array in hopes to prepare for diverse tastes, & my timing was decent. And so, there was friendly food & drink with a warm atmosphere. Relaxed in lighting. No tech, as tends to be my place overall.
It was nice just to treat his visit like a feast day. He even commented that it was not a feast day of high import--& yet, we still celebrated as if it were. I justified his visit for it all, & he justified his own take with respect to my hospitality.
And into what city soever you enter, and they receive you, eat such things as are set before you.
Hard to capture how good it was. It was as if time were lengthened in the visit. We sat at a small table, dined, drank, & spoke. Calm, no rushing, no agenda. Just us, by & by.
Roommate did join--but it was good to have him absorbed into the festivity.
Eventually retired."
The balance I was referring to shows itself:
Overall, same old thing. Not too high not too low--in a dull middle. The stability is a gift, though. Still lonely. Still wish for more. And despite general calm, peace, & nourishing prayer, I have had all sorts of difficulties. Work stress. Loneliness. The "miracle" of boredom. Temptations now & again, though not as strong as a week or so ago.
But not too longer thereafter, the challenges mount again:
I am just out of it...
And that is an absolute understatement. I feel the pull of the desire for the fetish. I feel embarrassed that I want something so foul & stupid. I feel furthermore embarrassed because I am a youth minister--so I feel like a terrible example. I feel alone, tired, & useless. A lot of this (if not most of this) is irrational talk--but I am venting, so bear with me.
Hopefully I can get some solid rest...but tomorrow will be very, very long...
And that is an absolute understatement. I feel the pull of the desire for the fetish. I feel embarrassed that I want something so foul & stupid. I feel furthermore embarrassed because I am a youth minister--so I feel like a terrible example. I feel alone, tired, & useless. A lot of this (if not most of this) is irrational talk--but I am venting, so bear with me.
Hopefully I can get some solid rest...but tomorrow will be very, very long...
I struggle a lot with comparison. It made an appearance several times:
"But to be brief on that: I have felt like nothing. The comparison thing is weighing on me more than usual.
I study for my job, but I am not that great.
I work out, but I am not that strong.
I pray, but I am not that holy.
I read, but I am not the learned.
Everything I do seems to be weak & pathetic. I long for greatness...
Heck, even here, after all of this time, I still have such impure tendencies...that is not NoFap greatness. A true "NoFap Great" would be detached, I think. Or, at least, would not be some stubborn with learning lessons..."
I study for my job, but I am not that great.
I work out, but I am not that strong.
I pray, but I am not that holy.
I read, but I am not the learned.
Everything I do seems to be weak & pathetic. I long for greatness...
Heck, even here, after all of this time, I still have such impure tendencies...that is not NoFap greatness. A true "NoFap Great" would be detached, I think. Or, at least, would not be some stubborn with learning lessons..."
Another glimmer of hope amidst the mundane:
"Suffice to say, I have been busy; there was a youth ministry event that took all of my time & energy to great extents.
And suffice to say, that series of events went very, very well.
Rarely do I feel so much community & emotion, but here, overall, I did.
Rarely do I get to see the fruits of my labors, but here, overall, I did.
But I was much tired & worn out. In some ways, I still am."
And suffice to say, that series of events went very, very well.
Rarely do I feel so much community & emotion, but here, overall, I did.
Rarely do I get to see the fruits of my labors, but here, overall, I did.
But I was much tired & worn out. In some ways, I still am."
A noteworthy victory:
Anyway: I had some stronger moments...eventually.
I forced myself to meditate & pick up the Divine Office. By the end of it, I was fairly recollected & in a better place (albeit still with the feeling of the chemical rush).
Throughout the day I had similar small victories in this regard: I would try to beg pardon for what portions I was culpable for & otherwise thank God for the trial that I was not culpable for. I was trying to see it as a living prayer; a moment for virtue; a proof of love; & a moment of sharing in the crucifixion (albeit in a very, very small way [though, if I cannot make prayers of this sort in these smaller trials, how would I ever manage in a real case of martyrdom?]).
I forced myself to meditate & pick up the Divine Office. By the end of it, I was fairly recollected & in a better place (albeit still with the feeling of the chemical rush).
Throughout the day I had similar small victories in this regard: I would try to beg pardon for what portions I was culpable for & otherwise thank God for the trial that I was not culpable for. I was trying to see it as a living prayer; a moment for virtue; a proof of love; & a moment of sharing in the crucifixion (albeit in a very, very small way [though, if I cannot make prayers of this sort in these smaller trials, how would I ever manage in a real case of martyrdom?]).
Advent came & went. This time was marked by shorter posts & seemingly less problems. I was more focused during this time.
DAY 1063 seemed rough. And DAY 1065. And into DAY 1066 (at which point, I have a short comment worth posting):
And the temptations have not resided. It feels like I have taken steps backwards--that is how damning some of these thoughts have been. They gnaw at me, my sinews, my heart...
I know that all it takes is my own initiative. I struggle & face pains that are indeed outside of my power...but much else is within my power. I must not grow weary. I must not grow weak. I must not give in or give up. I need to focus, TO FOCUS. Autopilot & randomly going through life & trials are terrible things. I must stop that nonsense. I need to focus. Especially in trials. If I can, I will kill the trials on the spot. If I cannot do that, then I must remember the cross & enter into prayer...
Please pray for me. Again.
I mean, pray for me when you remember, even if I fail to ask you.
But pray for me now. Yes, right now. Do it!
I know that all it takes is my own initiative. I struggle & face pains that are indeed outside of my power...but much else is within my power. I must not grow weary. I must not grow weak. I must not give in or give up. I need to focus, TO FOCUS. Autopilot & randomly going through life & trials are terrible things. I must stop that nonsense. I need to focus. Especially in trials. If I can, I will kill the trials on the spot. If I cannot do that, then I must remember the cross & enter into prayer...
Please pray for me. Again.
I mean, pray for me when you remember, even if I fail to ask you.
But pray for me now. Yes, right now. Do it!
And the rest of the time seemed to improve. Its conclusion was after a Merry Christmas Day--so things seemed to improve from that point.
Other things:
-Finished basically 3 books
-Physique seemed to visibly improve from workouts
-Had great rest from Christmas & time off work (seemingly necessary)
I guess the time was actually much more difficult than I remembered! A bumpy road, indeed!
I am not sure what to make of it!
Guess I am not as great as I think, eh?
But...I persevered--&, so far, am having a good start to this next year of NoFap.
I guess this really just became a re-cap of the 90 Days rather than a deeper, personal analysis. It took long enough to peruse the writings. I think it speaks for itself, at this point.
Therefore, I say:
Persevere! Do not give up!
Ask for support!
Call for in-real-life assistance.
Stay social!
Stay motivated!
Stay balanced with activities!
If anyone has questions, as usual, I will try to answer them.
Please pray for me!
God bless,
A Modern Miroku
1/14/23: Some EDITS:
-More like I read 2 books. There was some overlap between the bordering 90 day challenges. Started a book on the preceding 90; finished a book on the following 90. Overall, though, a good thing.
-Upon reflection, a lot of difficulty has stemmed from both WORK & WORKING OUT.
>>>Work: I have really continued to push myself. This has yielded more profits, etc., but it has been stressful & time-consuming. Work has felt more & more...like work! So much of my energy has been given to it...
>>>Working Out: The difficulty does not usually rest in seeing others (for I tend to work out alone) but rather in simply feeling (I hate to use the modern expression) "sexy". I do not look like a superstar or an athlete, but the additional strength & gains have been true enough, & my vanity & sensuality can more easily become wild in such states. Aside: sometimes working out seems like a lose-lose. If you do not work out, you have pent-up energy & less health--which both lead to acting out, often enough. If you do work out, you have great virility & better health--which both tend to lead to a healthy sexual system & other things besides. I digress!
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